Grumpy old lady

I am a grumpy old lady. I was reminded again today of how much I don't like change. I think I just get too comfortable with routine and when that routine is changed up, it sends me spiraling downward. I started a new job today. It's not the same. It isn't the same beautiful drive downtown at my own pace, it's a drive in heavy traffic and construction. It isn't the same lunch, it's a 'get in your car and drive to a drive-thru instead of walking along the brick sidewalks of downtown' lunch. It isn't the same people, it's people that don't know me or my story.

I think one reason why I hadn't posted in so long is because I got into a routine of being at home and being comfortable, surrounded by happy pictures and happy memories of my girlies. And today, during that awful drive, a lot of negative feelings came back.

In the first two hours of my new job I was asked if I had any kids. Before I got to work I told myself that I wouldn't bring up anything about the girls for a while because I wanted my co-workers to get to know me first. When I was asked, I just kind of shrugged on the outside. On the inside, I was having a full-blown panic attack. How disrespectful of me to not answer that...to the person asking, but most importantly, to my girls. I just froze and didn't know what to say. My face got hot, my palms got sweaty and all the air escaped my lungs. I just wish I knew what to say to people. I feel like when I answer that question, all I do is bring people down...but if they had only known my girls and what amazing, sweet babies they were, it wouldn't be so sad.

So, I guess the question is, what's the best way to answer such a difficult question???

Merry Christmas Sweet Girlies!

I'm pretty positive I've posted this picture before but, I just love it. 3 little baby Santa's, this picture makes me melt! "Nate and his girlfriends!" We had so much fun last year posing you in your little Santa hats, this Christmas won't be the same without you two.Miss you lots and love you bunches.

~Auntie Jess~

One more thing...

This was us, last Thanksgiving. I love this picture!

Thanksgiving insurance

I am very grumpy today. I was very grumpy yesterday. Jake and I were not looking forward to Thanksgiving very much because we knew what would happen...the girls would not even be mentioned, acknowledged, anything. And that is exactly what happened. It was a pretty awkward situation so Jake and I just kind of kept to ourselves, even when the topic of universal healthcare came up. I appreciate and understand everybody's opinions on universal healthcare, but there are a few problems with bringing it up at a family function:

1. Don't bring it up at Thanksgiving. It's a sensitive topic and there are too many people with too differing opinions and it just makes for bad conversation.
2. Don't bring it up around your son and daughter-in-law because you have no idea. You have had insurance steadily for the past humpteen years. We were so incredibly lucky to have insurance when the girls were sick. In the one month that they were ill, we racked up over $60,000 in medical bills. Thankfully, we've only had to pay a fraction of that, but if we hadn't had insurance at that time, we would not be surviving.
3. Don't bring it up around people that you know are losing their insurance in a few short months. The idea of us not having insurance scares the crap out of us and we have told you how upset we are about it, but thank you for being selfish and only thinking of yourself and how universal healthcare will raise your taxes and bankrupt the country. Thank you so much.
4. Don't bring it up to people that are about to lose their insurance even if they have pre-existing conditions. If there is even a 10 minute lapse in coverage, our pre-existing conditions will not be covered for at least a year, if not longer, so if my eyeball explodes at Thanksgiving next year and lands in your mashed potatoes, please don't be mad...it's what you wanted.

Sorry to go off on such a tangent, but seriously, some conversations are better left for other venues.

I do want to thank Sean and Elly for being awesome cousins and talking to us and making us feel welcome. You were a ray of light on an otherwise very dark day.

Tonight

Jake and I were gone to my mom and dad's most of the weekend so it is late and I'm getting caught up on my e-mails and blogs. I was sad to learn that Owen, an SMA kiddo who's story I have followed since the girls were first diagnosed, passed away last night. One thing that I learned from reading his blog is something that helped me through some pretty difficult days and nights with the girls...that SMA kids are normal kids, their bodies just can't keep up with them. It was such a comfort to know that even when the girls could no longer eat without tubes and could no longer breath on their own, they could still hear us and know how much we loved them. Please think of Owen and his family today.

http://www.fight4owen.com/

Unexpected Panic

**This post has to do with a visit to a doctor's office so guys might not want to read (not that I have guy readers, except for you, Chad)**

Today I had my yearly exam at Dr. B's office. It very much took me by surprise. Being back in that office, in those rooms, with all of those familiar faces ended up being very difficult on me. Before, when I was there, I was filled with so much hope, so much pride, so much love for my sweet girlies who were growing inside of me. But today it was so different. I just felt so lost and empty and alone.

I sat in a quiet room, alone, waiting on the doctor and through the thin walls I could hear the sound of a heartbeat on an NST machine. It made me so scared. Scared that I might never get to carry an extra heartbeat again. Scared that if I do, I will be so filled with worry I won't be able to enjoy it. Scared that my previous experiences will somehow take away from new ones. By the time the doctor came in, I was in a full-blown panic. She barely had a chance to say hello before I was a sobbing mess. I just felt so overwhelmed.

I got through the rest of the appointment and then met up with Dr. B. for a quick chat. She wanted to talk about future 'what ifs' but I told her that right now, my life is completely on hold. I have absolutely nothing going for me and until I get my shit straightened out, there are no what ifs.

Time

Dear Sweet Girlies,

Today you would have been 14 months old. It is hard to accept how quickly time passes to the outside world, but the minute you cross our threshold it's standing still. Our house is still the same, your room is still the same, we haven't touched the cabinet of medical supplies that were organized for you. I just don't want to mess with what was familiar to you. This was your home; this is where your memories were created, and to change that would be very difficult for me.

I was thinking today about Halloween. We didn't buy any treats this year for the tricksters that might come to the door. We won't be turning on our light. Last year for Halloween we took you to Melanie and Eddie's for their neighborhood party. We dressed you as Salt and Pepper and you were really cute. Afterward, we took you to Jason and Dee's where you ate your dinner and then fell asleep in their bedroom. I'm very sad because I never took pictures of your first Halloween. What kind of mom, let alone scrapbooking mom, doesn't take pictures of your first Halloween? I was so disappointed in myself. If only I had known that it would have been your only Halloween.

I think about you a lot. I miss you even more. I love you.

Love,

Mommy

Fixing a case of the grumps

It used to be that I was the forever optimist. Optimistic about people, work, family, life in general. Jake is the exact opposite. He is pretty pessimistic and I always tried to balance him out. There have probably been a billion scenarios during our nine years together when I have tried to talk him into seeing things more optimistically.

I have found lately, though, that I am becoming much more pessimistic than I care to admit. See people driving crazy? Old me would think they were in a hurry to go hug a loved one; new me thinks they're just big jerks. See people throwing a tantrum about the price of something at the grocery store? Old me would think they're just being frugal; new me thinks they're making a big deal about something completely stupid. The scenarios go on and on. The truth is, I do not like this new me AT ALL!! I like being optimistic. I like thinking there is some bigger, maybe better, reason why people act the way they do. I like thinking that people are generally good. Jake thinks I am naive...I think I'm just hopelessly hopeful.

So, what to do about this grumpier version of me? Today, I was driving home and I heard the newest Pearl Jam release, Just Breathe. I sat at a red light and pictured every person driving by me listening to the same song. I pictured them enjoying the song and really hearing to the lyrics. Eddie Vedder sings, I'm a lucky man to count on both hands the ones I love.

It makes me hopeful to think that people take a minute to realize how lucky they are. It makes me realize that I need to take more minutes to realize how lucky I am. Who would have thought that a song and a red light would be one more step in getting me out of my fog?

Today

Today my heart hurts. Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Today I hate that there is a special day for this. I know why they created this day, I just wish it didn't have to exist. Today I'm thinking of two beautiful little girls and I wish no other parent had to be thinking of memories instead of current events. Today I am thinking of Devin and Elizabeth, Jack, Abigail, Annaleigh, the Doodles and others. This list is too long.

Home

Jake and I used to be very busy, social people. Even after the girls were born we were going, going, going. They went with us to Halloween parties, dinners out with friends, you name it and they were with us. They were such good babies through even our busiest days. They never fussed much and would usually just explore their surroundings until nap time. We were a very happy little family of four.

Lately, Jake and I have been staying in quite a bit. Like the rest of the country, we're trying to watch our pennies. Staying in has some pretty good perks. I feel at peace at home. I feel like I don't get a chance to miss the girlies as much because they're always right here with me. They are surrounding me. I have noticed, though, that when we do go out, I very suddenly hit this point when all I want is to be back home, with my girlies. The urge to be home takes me by surprise. It happens if we've only been out for an hour or if we have been out all day.

Last Saturday we were gone the entire day and by about 8 p.m. I was ready to be home. The urge hit me like a panic attack. I just wanted to get home and be around the memories of my girlies. We had things we still had to do so I tried to push the urge to the back of my head and keep going, but I think being gone that long took a toll on me because we ended up not leaving the house at all on Sunday.

These urges to be home kind of scare me. I'm scared of becoming secluded and losing touch with my friends. I just don't know what to do about it because on the one hand, I don't want to become a hermit, but on the other, I find so much comfort being at home.

Bad Blogger

Sorry I have been slacking on writing anything lately...our lives have been turned upside down and I just feel like I haven't been able to get my head on straight. The last few weeks have been very foggy for me. I have a million things on my to-do list and I just can't find the motivation to do any of them. It is so hard to get motivated when you don't know what your purpose is in life. I used to find purpose and fulfillment by being a supportive wife, an active employee, a contributing member to society and a loving mother. All but one of those has been taken from me and I just don't know how to get back on track. I thought maybe I need to find my purpose somewhere else, but I don't know where to start. I need some direction.

On another note, I had an awesome dream about Sydney last night. I dreamed that we were down in Bloomington walking around campus. She was older...maybe the age she would be now...13 months. She was just learning how to give kisses. I was carrying her on my right hip through the student union and she just kept giving me kisses. It was a very sweet dream...very vivid, and I loved every moment of it.

Auntie Jess' Wish List:

• I wish I could snuggle you girls again.
• I wish I could see your beautiful smiles.
• I wish I could hear your giggles and coos.
• I wish I could have seen you make a mess of your first birthday cake.
• I wish your mommy and I could take our babies to the park together.
• I wish you could have swam this summer.
• I wish I could see your funny faces when trying a new food you didn't like.
• I wish I could hear what your voices sounded like as you learned to talk.
• I wish I could see you trick-or-treating this Halloween.
• I wish I could buy you girls a Christmas present this year.
• I wish you could play in the leaves that are falling.
• I wish you could build a snowman this winter.
• I wish I could stop being mad about what happened to you.
• I wish your mommy and daddy didn't have to go on without you.
• I WISH YOU WERE HERE!

I miss you sweet girlies, there is something everyday that reminds me of you. I will never forget how sweet and wonderful you were. I love you, Auntie Jess.

Guilt

Warning: This might be a graphic post.

Guilt is hard. I think it is probably one of the hardest things I've been dealing with the last few months. All moms go through some feelings of guilt. I felt so guilty when I had to go back to work and the girls were just two months old. I felt like I was abandoning them. I felt a lot of guilt when they wouldn't eat the hundreds of ounces of breast milk I had pumped and frozen for them. They were picky and only liked it fresh. I felt guilty when the nurses took care of them because I felt like it was my job and I just couldn't do it on my own. Mostly though, I've felt a lot of guilt about leaving them.

I constantly think about the morning Carynne died. After Jake and I had said our goodbyes, I laid her back down on that cold, hard gurney in the ER and stood up. We kept trying to walk out of the room and we kept turning around to look at her one more time. They were going to get her cleaned up and take her down to the morgue. From there, the funeral home was going to pick her up and take her down to their downtown morgue. I can't even begin to describe in words the guilt that we felt. It was like we were abandoning her there, in a cold, strange place that we knew nothing about. How were they going to treat her? What were they going to do with her? These were questions we should have been asking daycare centers, but instead we had to ask a funeral home.

When Sydney died, she died in my arms, at home. I held her for about an hour before the funeral home came to pick her up. It was dark and freezing outside. It was the middle of February. Two men came into the house and saw that she was an infant and requested that I walk her outside myself. We wrapped her in a soft green blanket that Jake's mom had given to us at our baby shower. I carried her outside as Jake held the doors open for me. I crunched my feet across the frozen grass to the back of some Chevrolet SUV. They already had another body in the back. I was disgusted! Completely disgusted that they made my baby ride in the back of some SUV with a stranger! We kissed her forehead one last time and laid her on the black plastic gurney. We buckled her in and asked the two men to please make sure she was put beside her sister so they could keep each other company. And off she went, downtown, to join her sister.

And all of a sudden, Jake and I were alone, standing in the driveway. Cold. Childless.

I know I can't feel guilty about this stuff. I had no control over any of it. It's just natural for a parent to have that need to be with their child. I can type all of this out, but it is a lot easier for my fingers to type than for my head and my heart to believe.

An Open Letter

Let me make it clear that I'm talking about the insurance company, United Healthcare, and not the proposed legislation for universal healthcare for all Americans. Two totally different things.

Dear United Healthcare,

I hate you! I don't understand why you feel the need to deny every claim twice before you finally approve it. Nothing has changed between each submission, you just want to avoid paying out big sums of money that you know you owe. I don't understand why every single time I talk to one of your representatives I have to explain that my children are not currently covered under a specific healthcare plan because they are deceased. Why can't you put that in their file so I don't have to explain myself every.single.time? I don't understand why it has taken you seven months to respond to Pediatric Nursing Services and when you finally do respond, you tell them that you can't process their claim because the birth dates don't match up. How is that even possible? You have paid other claims with the birthdate you have on file; the same birthdate that was used when PNS submitted their claims.

Just for good measure, in case you didn't fully grasp it the first time, I hate you! I hate that you give innocent people the runaround. I hate that each of your representatives has a different answer for the same question. I hate that you have the power to ruin a person, financially, emotionally and physically.

Sincerely,

Brook

p.s. There is one thing that I do love about our relationship...I love that as of 9/30/09 it will be ending!

Memories:

Girlies I normally talk to you about missing you and what I miss about you, but I want to share my memories of your mommy and daddy. These are things I had the privilege of witnessing and things that I miss seeing now that your gone. A lot of times I would just sit back and smile watching them with you, here are some of my favorite things I witnessed.

I miss watching your daddy when he would hold one of you; he would cradle your neck and head with his hand and use his thumb to rub your head. It was so sweet to see how much he loved you.

I miss seeing your mommy make her "excited" face at you. She was guaranteed a smile when she did this face!

I missing seeing all the pictures that would make me giggle so hard. Your mommy and daddy would pose you playing chess, watching tv, etc. I would tell you what dorkie parents you have.

I miss walking into your house and seeing your mommy and daddy sitting there with a girlie in their arms. All four of you pretending to be asleep.

I miss watching your mommy dance with you. I've never seen anything so goofy, yet so adorable at the same time.

I miss watching your mommy get your belly and hearing the giggles that would result from it.

I miss hearing your daddy say "girlies" in the sweetest way I think I've ever heard that word said.

Even when you were sick I miss seeing how strong your mommy and daddy were and how well they took care of you. Neither with any medical experience, but they just knew how to take care of you.

Most of all I miss seeing the Pritchett family, the four of you (& Alfie). I knew your mommy and daddy before you so seeing just the two of them is familiar, but it will never be the same since I knew them with you.

Just a note

Dear Girlies,

I just wanted you to know how much I am missing you. Today would have been the perfect day with you. The weather has been so beautiful and the sun has been extra shiney. I just miss you so much and I am so mad that you aren't here to enjoy it with me. I just want you here. I want you in my arms. I want you back. I know it sounds selfish, but that is all I want. I want you with me, where you belong. I am sick of people telling me you're in a better place and other shit like that because there is no better place than in your mother's arms.

I'm sorry. I know I shouldn't be so selfish. Most of the time I try to be really grateful for the time we had together, but I do have these days where I am just so angry that you're not with me anymore. I think of how much better our lives would be if you were still here. How full of love this house would be. How different things should be. I wish I could just hold you again. I love you.

Love,

Mommy

Sneaky Sister

My sneaky sister had some pictures done for me with her daughters, Amelia and Sophia, blowing bubbles for Sydney and Carynne. Verrrrry cute!

Original

Aqua

On the Surface

Have you ever ordered broccoli cheddar soup from a restaurant and had it come to you with a little layer of skin on the top? You know, where the milk has cooled and binded all of its little particles together? Then, even though it kind of turns you off for a second, you go ahead and break the skin and realize what is underneath isn't all that bad? In fact, it's usually better. I feel like some people live their lives like that layer of skin, never breaking the surface because they're too afraid of what is underneath. It is a lot easier to live that way.

I will admit, I used to be a surface girl. It is easy and low-risk to have a relationship (friendship or otherwise) with someone when you don't ever really talk about how you feel or how that person makes you feel. You never risk hurting someone's feelings or losing the relationship. But, at the same time, if you have an issue with something and never share it, you begin to hold onto it and feel hurt or sad or mad or all three rolled into one. For a while, Jake and I were getting very upset about the way some people were handling the death of the girls. We were hurt that they were being shoved out of everyone's minds; we were hurt when people sent e-mail forwards that might have been cute to others, but were insensitive to us; we were hurt when we didn't hear from people for long stretches of time simply because they didn't know what to say to us. Now, though, we've started expressing ourselves and not only does it feel good, it feels like we're living much deeper lives.

As Jake and I have gone through everything, we have learned just how many people are too afraid to talk to us, because that would require breaking their own surface. On the girls' birthday, we were very surprised when some very close family members didn't call or contact us the entire day. It hurt us a lot. We didn't understand why they wouldn't want to at least call us and see what we were doing for the girls' special day. So, we asked our families, and it turns out, they were all too afraid to call. They all gave the same response 'We just didn't know what to say so we didn't bother calling.' And we gave them all the same response 'It's ok just to call and tell us you don't know what to say, but you're thinking of the girls today and loving them.' I'm so glad we talked to them because we were able to let them know that we were using the girls' birthday to celebrate their lives, not mourn their deaths. Hopefully future birthdays will have everybody celebrating instead of mourning.

Along these lines, if you have questions about anything, don't hesitate to ask. We love talking about the girls and the life we shared with them. We also talk about their death and the months that have followed, not only to help us heal, but hopefully to help others as well.

Girlies,

I just wanted to talk to you a moment about your mommy and daddy. I'm sure that you know this, but your parents are amazing people. They are the dictionary definition of strength and courage, the fact that they are able to be as strong as they are after loosing you both amazes me each day. None of us, especially your mommy and daddy, wanted today to be what it is. We are spending your first birthday without you, but leave it to your wonderful parents to be amazing once again and do something positive for those less fortunate in your honor. Their act of kindness today will give these women in need assistance in caring for their children. Coming in contact with your parents may give these women the strength they're searching for.

Of course today is not anyone's ideal situation, but girlies you have changed so many people's lives for the better. Just seeing how everyone came forward to help your family out when you were sick has given me the motivation to help out people when I can. I've said it before, but I really do love you like family. I feel just as close to you as I do my nephew. I will always be your ‘Auntie Jess’, your aunt with the best jokes! Blood does not define us as family; our group of friends surrounding you and your mommy and daddy is our little family we have made. My second family :) I love you lots!

P.S. Be looking for a message today; we are going to send you some birthday balloons.

We love you,
Auntie Jess, (Greg and Nathaniel)

1st Birthday

Happy Birthday Sydney and Carynne!

I've been thinking about this post in my head for a few days now and everytime I think about it, I feel like it will turn out to be a jumbled mess, so please bear with me. We will start with a few pictures from that beautiful day.

They were less than an hour old in both of these pictures and they're both wide awake. When we had visitors at the hospital, everybody continually commented on how bright-eyed and curious they were.

When they were born, my mom switch was automatically turned on. During the time leading up to their birth I was so worried that I wouldn't know what to do with two babies. We had gone to the classes, I had read the books and done research online, and still, I felt like I had no clue how to do anything that involved taking care of other human beings. Thankfully, though, it came fairly naturally. From the moment Jake and I were given the Mommy and Daddy title, we went into 'parent mode'. We fed, burped, changed, rocked and soothed like old pros. I was a mom.

When they died, it was hard to know what to do with that title. I am a parent if you look at 'parent' as a noun, but what I want to be is a verb 'parent'. I want to raise my girlies and take care of them and teach them. I want to hold their hands as they're learning to walk. I want to teach them their numbers and letters and colors. I want to see their expressions as they learn to eat new foods. I want to plan their 1st Birthday party for them and see them make a mess of their cakes. But I don't get that luxury because now I'm just a noun.

As this day approached, Jake and I went back and forth as far as what we wanted to do today. Should we invite over all of our friends and family and have cake and ice cream? Should we throw a huge party with streamers and balloons? In the end, we decided that today we will just lay low. We didn't want to make any plans that we might not feel up to in the long run. We are going to visit their trees later today and then maybe take a walk along the Monon. Jess made us enchiladas for dinner so we wouldn't have to worry about our appetites. We're just letting this day come quietly in and go quietly out.

So how do we hang onto our grief and try and be verb parents at the same time? We try and help others. We're going to go to Costco in a little bit to grab a few cans of formula and some boxes of diapers. Then, we're going to take them down to the Julian Center, which is the battered women's shelter here in Indianapolis. They are always in need of donated items.

If you'd like, you can help by finding a similar operation in your town and donating in honor of Sydney and Carynne. I know most of my readers are moms and I know you probably have some old baby stuff sitting around the house, so why not look at this as a late-summer cleaning opportunity? You don't have to do it today, or even tomorrow, but go out and be verb parents to your entire community.

Thoughts of you both....

Dearest Girlies~
It's about 1:00 a.m. and I wanted to write because you both have been on my mind so much today. Six months ago, you left this world...I don't even know how to follow up that statement. Mommy and I were talking just a bit ago about how hard that is to say out loud. Honestly, I'm finding it difficult to even write. There are times *and this is only in my opinion* when it seems like forever ago that you were here. Seems like another life time that I would stop by on my way home and say hello to my two favorite girls...well, Mommy would make that three I guess:-) Forever ago when I would cherish being 27 and single, spending my Saturday nights having cuddle time with you both. Then there are times when I feel like you are still here...literally!!! That I'm going to walk into your house, and there you'll both be. Your presence is so powerful, I don't think there are words to describe how it feels. Just like Mommy, I too see you in everything. Every flower, every rain drop, every babies face...every breath. I thought about you a lot when we were all on vacation in Myrtle Beach. Sitting on the deck, watching the ocean, I remember thinking that the water stretched on for what seemed like eternity. But, that somewhere out there was more land just slightly out of our reach. That's how I feel about you girls. I know your out there, your just slightly out of our reach too. To say that I miss you is an understatement. To say that you have "changed" me, is to use a word that doesn't even begin to describe what you've done for me. To say that my love for you continues to grow everyday...well, that doesn't do it justice either. You both were a gift. Not only to Mommy and Daddy, but to all of us. You were the most precious of gifts.....
Girlies, there aren't enough words in the world that can help explain how I feel. Just know that I'm here...loving you both, missing you both, praying for your family and offering myself to do anything and everything that you, Mommy and Daddy might ever need.
Rest in peace among the stars tonight Carynne and Sydney...knowing that right now you are loved more than any two people ever were.
Love always~
Aunti Sonya

With me

Dear Sweet Girlies,
Today I would normally just write to you, Carynne, because six months ago today you left us. I had been thinking about this post for a few days. How hard it would be to have to acknowledge that you have now been gone longer than you were here. But something changed and today I don't want to focus on my grief or sadness, I just want to use all of my energy for something else.

I know you girls are with me every day. I can feel you in the heat of the sun; I can see you in your daddy's eyes; I can smell you when I go into your room. But today, I need to you to help somebody else. I need you to help me help them. I need you to help me know what to say and what to do and how to be strong for them.

I know a lot of times I've written about how alone I feel. What a horrible, exclusive club it is. The problem is, I never want this group of people to get any larger. I never want another parent to join us. Julie and I have talked a lot about how much we wish we didn't share this in common, but I am so very thankful for her and her words at the most necessary times. Now, girlies, we need to go help another MoM. We need to take care of Joe and Brooke.

I love you.

Love,
Mommy

Redirection

Do you ever click on a Web site and get the 'Redirection' error message if a link is broken? I got that once today and thought of how similar it is to my life right now. I feel like all of my links are broken and I have no idea where to go. I don't even know what to do to fix it. I told Jake last night that I feel like I'm at this point in my life where I have to make all of these huge decisions and I'm just tired and I don't want to anymore. I don't want that kind of responsibility hanging over my head anymore. We made decisions for the girls that I still question every day so why would I want to take on even more? I know that this is all brought on by my return-from-vacation-unemployed-empty-housed funk, but I wish it would just pass and I could find some more direction in my life.

I'm trying the best I can to live a good, honorable life for my girlies, but it is hard especially when obstacles are being thrown at me from every direction. I will just keep trying.

Hi ladies :)

Hey girlies! It's Auntie Jess and Nathaniel....we were just sitting around today and we were missing you.

Nate wanted to talk to you so I let him type you a letter:

inhjhuninmnjhbtrshufgxuh gc hhufrxhutfrxhufhu gbug fkmgcccccccccccc,nhj
.;;;;;;;;;;,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,nnn

We love you!

A Brief Post

Good Morning Girlies,

I just wanted to sit down and write to you and tell you how much I love you. We are at the beach right now and we are having fun but you are always on our minds. Daddy and I were watching the moon sit on the horizon a few nights ago and the water was clear and sparkly, just like your eyes. We got upset because it just seems like there are so many beautiful and amazing things to see in this world and we wish you had gotten the chance to see them with us. We wish we were able to dip your toes in the warm water and watch you giggle. We wish you were able to feel the sand on your legs. More than anything, we just wish you were here, with us. That might be selfish, but that's the way we both feel it should be.


This picture was taken of you on Thanksgiving Day. It was the first day you met your cousin Willow and it just so happened that you were all wearing the same outfits. The order of this picture goes Willow, Sydney and Carynne.

I loved these outfits and would put you in them all the time. They were just so soft and cuddly and there's nothing like getting in a few cuddles with girlies to make life easier.

I'll write you again soon, but in the meantime, don't forget how much we love you and how much you are missed.

Love,

Mommy

I knew this would happen

So, one of the people I talk to online recently updated her signature picture. In it, one of her little ones just happens to be wearing the same top that the girls wore for their viewing/funeral. I knew that I would see this outfit again, it came from a very popular children's clothing store and was absolutely adorable. The kind of outfit any mom would love to put on her little girl; so bright and sunny and full of life. If they made one in adult sizes, I probably would have bought it in every color for myself. But, now this shirt takes me back to my porcelain babies lying together in silence and when I saw it, my heart dropped. I'm actually surprised I hadn't seen it sooner. I knew that if I did see it, it would make me sad, but I didn't expect it to be this bad.

When I bought the outfits, I didn't buy them for the girls to wear at their own funeral, I bought them because I thought they would be perfect Easter outfits. Obviously, we didn't make it to Easter; not even close. I'm not sure if I've ever talked about Easter here before, but I might as well bring it up now. It was the first family function Jake and I went to after the girls died. There was a huge elephant in the room. Nobody even mentioned the girls the entire time we were at my mom and dad's. It was as if Jake and I were strangers intruding on a family's dinner. They made small talk with us; the spring has been so wet, work is this and that, are you going to plant a garden, anything to keep conversation as light as possible, until finally I couldn't take it anymore. I had to get out of there - FAST! We made some excuse to need to rush to Jake's parents and hit the road.

I was so sad and hurt and mad all rolled into one. How could people just go on with their lives pretending these babies never existed? How could people not want to talk about them? How could people not see that we were sitting here, drowning in a grief pond full of quicksand? If they had just thrown us a little rope, a little sweet memory or something, we could have at least made it to the shore. As we drove down the road, my feelings of hurt turned into a much deeper anger. An anger that made me resent certain people. I felt very forced into that situation. I was told that Easter was something we needed to do because we had avoided a few other family functions and we were being selfish. If I had known then that it would be as hard as it was, I never would have gone.

In hindsight, maybe we were being selfish by avoiding; maybe I was being selfish thinking that people should have seen the pain that we were wearing. They aren't mind-readers; there is no real 'death etiquette' so how were they supposed to know what we did or did not want to talk about? Gradually, I have learned that I am my only advocate. If I want an activity or a get-together to go a certain way, I have to make it happen for myself. I also know that never again will my baby girls be swept under some rug just because people feel uncomfortable. Talking about them and reminiscing about them brings me peace so I will be selfish and strive for that peace.

Back to the outfits though...I haven't seen them since February 28th. They weren't returned to us so I'm suspecting they were cremated with them on? A family member took pictures of them the day of the viewing. She told me that as morbid as it may be, if I ever feel the need to see them, the pictures will be there for me. She didn't want me to regret not having them. I haven't asked to see them. I don't know if I ever will, but I do know that they were so beautiful in those outfits that the picture in my mind is enough.

Explaining Myself

I just want to start out by saying thank you to all of the readers out there who still come back and check out our girlies. I'm sorry for dropping off my post last night so I wanted to explain myself. A lot of times when I write, it is from work so if I add pictures, I am limited to only pictures I've uploaded to my Snapfish account. Last night, I wrote from home, where I had every single picture we'd ever taken at my fingertips. As I was going through them to find a picture of Great Grandma Muriel with 'her babies', I came across the last picture we took of the two of them together; alive. The picture was taken the night before Carynne died and she was in the same outfit she was wearing when she was rushed to the hospital early the next morning. When she died, Jake tried giving her mouth-to-mouth and in the process, her entire stomach emptied onto herself, him and the blanket she was sleeping on. When I got to the hospital, she was naked and they handed me her clothes in a plastic bag. I took the bag home and because our entire lives turned upside down, it sat in the family room for about four days before I realized it was there.

Last night, when I saw that picture, it took me back to that day when I discovered the bag, opened it and all I could smell was Carynne and her last moments. I threw the bag away about 2 seconds after I had opened it. The sensible side of me thinks it would have been silly and disgusting to keep a bag full of puke-covered clothes, the irrational side of me wishes I hadn't thrown it away because it had her on it. I don't regret throwing it away, but I do regret the thoughtlessness with which I did.

There are still clothes in their hamper that I haven't gotten around to washing. I don't know if I ever will. I don't know what all is in the hamper; there might be something VERY stinky in there, but I won't even look in there. Hell, I can barely walk into their room, let alone go through their stuff.

As far as the picture goes, for now it will stay in the computer. I have refrained from posting pictures of them on the blog where they looked sick. I have tried to keep the pictures as upbeat as possible. But, maybe I'm not being honest with myself or with you. However raw they might be, maybe I need to show the world what it was really like for us during those last few weeks; how painful it was to see our sweet girlies laying there, hooked up to oxygen tanks and O2 monitors and apnea machines. But, then again, that's not what I want to remember most about them. I want the world to know about this hateful disease, but I don't want the disease to define my babies.

Girlies on my mind

I went Saturday morning to get some groceries at Meijer and while in the baby section I saw the most adorable little swimsuits for girlies. They were little bikinis and I just pictured you two looking so cute in those little swimsuits. This made me smile...... :)

Yesterday your mommy, Sonya, Erin, and I did a workout at Sonya's pool. There was a moment after we were done working out and I was alone for a second putting our picnic together that you were on my mind again. I just thought about how I would love you see you girlies playing at the pool in your little swimsuits. How I wish that your mommy could get to do all the normal summer things that mommys and girlies do. How I wish your mommy could do everyday mommy things like putting sunscreen on you so you wouldn't get burnt playing at the pool. Staring at the pool I was picturing your mommy and I taking our little ones to the pool for a fun day. I was picturing you two splashing around in the pool with your boyfriend. I could almost hear your little giggles because of the fun you were having. I was wishing that you two, your mommy, Nate, and I could have our own little picnic after we were done playing. I was thinking about the fun little picnic treats I would make for us. I was thinking that Auntie Sonya would be there with us because your mommy might need help with two 11 month old girlies in the pool. I was having such a wonderful daydream and I was happy. But then I felt a sadness well up inside me and I had to pull myself together because Erin was coming over to sit with me. I felt like I was going to burst into tears so I had to shut off my daydream of us.

When your mommy and I were both pregnant I had already started these daydreams of all the fun you two and Nate would have. When I am in those moments that I had visioned it hurts because I know they'll never get to happen they way I dreamed they would. It's little moments like yesterday that make me miss you two so very much. I just wish we could create these memories I dreamed about.

Since I wrote about yesterday I am reliving my daydream and I am sad. I love you girlies and miss you everyday!

11 Months

Dear Sweet Girlies,

Today you would have turned 11 months old. I put off writing this post for quite a while today. I just didn't want to go to that painful place in my head. I did a pretty good job of avoiding it all day and then, in the middle of my workout, it hit me. I was wiping my eye and an eyelash fell into my hand, which made me think of you both. You girls were very different, but were so alike in so many ways. You both had amazingly long, beautiful eyelashes. I remember when you were first born, that was one of the things that all of your visitors commented on. I think we actually have Great Grandma Muriel on video talking about your long lashes. You would have made super models jealous!

Sydney, here you are with Great Grandma Muriel at the hospital on the day you were born.

I'm sorry, I wish I could write more. It's too hard today. I love you so much!

Love,
Mommy

5 Months Continued...

Sydney,
You left us five months ago today. Last night I dreamed about you and your sister and it was so nice. It was like you were right there with me. I think that one of the hardest parts of grief is just missing somebody's presence. If somebody moves away, you always know that the opportunity is there for you to be in their presence again. I don't have that ability with the two of you anymore and it's hard to comprehend that it has been taken from me.

The face you're making in this picture is your silly ornery face. I turned around for maybe a minute to do something else, then I looked back and you had managed to get this toy around your arm. We decided that you were a bit of a diva and you just enjoyed carrying your 'frog purse'. You look so proud of yourself here. It makes me miss those adorable faces so much. I miss how your cheeks squish up into little chipmunk cheeks when you smile. I miss you both so much and I wish, more than anything in this world, that I could see you again.
Love,
Mommy

5 Months

Dear Carynne,

You left us five months ago today. It's funny how time works...sometimes I feel like you just died yesterday and other times I feel like it's been eons since I last got to hold you. I replay your death in my head over and over. It haunts me. I try to push it out of my head and turn to only good memories of you. Memories of you in your swing or wearing your too-big shoes or sucking in your bottom lip to smile. Those are the memories that need to stay in the front of my mind.

When I was getting ready to write this post to you, I thought about just doing a bunch of pictures. I was going through some files and came across a picture of you sleeping. Those pictures are really hard for me to look at. Both you and your sister look so quiet and peaceful and sweet in them, but they take me back to that time when you were too quiet and too peaceful and too much like porcelain baby dolls. When you were laying together in that bassinet and I had to say goodbye. When your daddy and I were the last ones standing in the room with you, his hand on my back, telling me it was time to go home.

As I go through this process, I will try not to dwell in the details of your death, I will try to refocus on our five and a half months of good. I love you.

Love,

Mommy

Double Rainbow

Dear Girlies~
I just wanted to say thank you for the BEAUTIFUL double rainbow that you gave us on Sunday. Mommy, Daddy, Daddy Darling and I were on our way back from a visit with Nana and Poppy and it started to rain. As we drove further along the Muncie bypass, the sun started to shine. I told everyone in the car to watch for a rainbow, and when we turned around there were two!!!!!! It was so pretty we pulled over on the side of the road so I could take some pictures. They reminded me so much of you girls...beautiful, soft, similar yet different, heartwarming...gone too soon. Thank you for that brief moment where the world stood still and all we could see was your beauty in the sky above us. I love you both so much and miss you more than words can say!!!!!!

If I had 10 Million dollars...

Most of the 'Questions of The Week' at the Multiples Blog Network don't apply to me anymore, but I can answer this one. The question is what would you do with $10 million?

• Pay off all of our bills and our mortgage then remodel our bathroom.
• Buy all of our friends (Sonya, Jess, Danny, Erin and Sean) new cars - this includes paying their insurance b/c insurance is higher on new cars.
• Take a few months to travel the world, then when we find really awesome spots, we'll call up all of our friends *see above* and fly them to where we are.
• Send Jake back to school.
• Give lots of money to SMA research.
• Give lots of money to Riley Hospital (including a book for all residents on bedside manner)
• Give lots of money to lots of other charities in the area...Keep Indianapolis Beautiful, March of Dimes, Julian Center, etc.

There is one other thing I'd like to do, but I don't think I can buy that wish...

Girlfriends

Girlies,

Nate and I were in the grocery store today and I saw a mommy with two little girls......this made me very sad. It really got me thinking of you, I just miss you so much. I get mad that I have to miss you because you should be here. Nate should be getting to know his girlfriends, it breaks my heart that he had such wonderful friends that he is too little to remember. We should be having play dates, me and your mommy should be taking walks together with our little ones in the stroller. Your mommy and I should be sharing stories about mommyhood and giving each other tips. Instead we are all in this fog and just when it gets clear enough to see, something reminds us of you and the clouds fill our heads with thoughts of missing you.

Nate now points to things and says "uh dat" which is "what's that". He pointed to the picture of you two that we keep on our fridge and said "uh dat" and I was telling him that you were his little girlfriends. I told him how he would go over to your house and play on the mat with you two. I told him how we posed you three in reindeer antlers to take Christmas pictures, I told him how pretty and sweet you were. He just looked at me and smiled as I was talking about you, almost as if he understood all of what I was saying. I love telling Nate about his girlfriends because I want him to know all about you, I just wish I didn't have to tell him about you and that you were just here. I wish that he could "know" you and that you three could continue to make memories.

I don't know what was different about today sweet girlies, but I've thought about you all day. I cried for you today, I love you! I really really miss you, I want to hold you and snuggle you today!

Missing you always~ Auntie Jess

Sneaky Tears

Dear Sweet Girlies,

I miss you so much today. I am so mad that you aren't here with me. I don't care what anybody else says, you belong here with me. I am so sick and tired of hearing that everything happens for a reason and that's why you two left me. I don't think any reason is ever good enough! Today I'm just mad because I miss you so much and life seems so unfair. I just want to scream out; I want to yell at anybody that will listen to me. I want to know who makes up these stupid 'reasons' and why I wasn't a part of this decision.

I have these 'episodes' two or three times a day that I call sneaky tears. I will just be sitting there, minding my own business, and my tears will start. If I'm at work, I go to the bathroom or I go outside or I go up to my car and wait things out. If I'm at home, they usually sneak up on me in the shower or in the middle of the night in bed. I get them a lot when I'm driving too...I'll hear a song on the radio or I'll see a mom and baby walking the Fall Creek Trail. Obviously, tonight they came while I was watching TV. Most of the time, they are a few quick sobs and I pull myself together. Tonight they overtook me; they filled my whole body with such a deep sadness that I feel like I have a black hole digging through to the very core of my being.

Writing to you helps a lot. It makes me feel like I'm talking to you. It makes me remember when I would talk to you about all the amazing things that your fresh little lives had waiting for you. Mostly though, it makes me feel like you're with me, if just for a second. I know you've left me physically, be please don't ever leave my heart. I love you too much to let you go.

Love,

Mommy

Special Day!

Happy Birthday Aunti Sonya! We love you!

Just thinking.....

Dear Girlies~
Was just thinking about you lots today, so I thought I'd say hi...I love you and miss you tons!!!! I hope your resting well tonight and enjoying the beautiful scenery around you both. Snuggle close and sleep tight girls......smooches, smooches, smooches!!!!!!
Love Aunti Sonya

I should add...

When I was in labor with the girls, I threw on a t-shirt and yoga pants while Jake threw on a t-shirt and shorts. It was after we got to the hospital that I realized we were both wearing beer shirts. Me in my High Life Lite and Jake in his Guinness. Guess we probably didn't win any parent of the year awards that day, but I wouldn't expect anything else from two hashers.

Speaking of the hash (not the smoking kind), I'm not sure why, but for some reason I just haven't been feeling it lately. We have made some amazing friends through the club and I love hanging out with them outside of running, but I feel like the actual club is very cyclical. Many of the people we started out with don't come out as frequently as they used to and I don't know a lot of the 'virgins'. It is hard on me when you're running with somebody for the first time, getting to know them, and they ask if you have kids. We're still having trouble finding a gentle way to answer that one.

The rest of the story...

Tuesday, August 26th, 2008 - Just another boring day at home. I was very bad and met Jake out for lunch. We ate at the Penn Station on Pendleton Pike because he was working a job in the area. I had a ham and cheese sandwich. Afterward, I went back to man my station on the couch. Jake came home from work and we had dinner (I don't remember what we had, but I know it wasn't spicy). Back to being a big lazy bum. Jake has a tendency to fall asleep on the floor when he is watching tv and this night was no different. I was laying on the couch, completely restless, and finally woke him up and told him to go to bed at around 11 p.m. I went back out to the couch, very annoyed that I couldn't sleep.

Wednesday, August 27th, 2008 - 1 a.m. started having some contractions. Because I had stopped taking the Procardia earlier in the week, I knew that my contractions would come back, but I expected regular old Braxton Hicks contractions. From my very first one, I knew these were different. I started timing them on a Web site and they varied between two and four minutes apart. Honestly, I was not in any pain at all; I mean, I was used to these things, I'd been having them for 10 weeks, they just came with the territory.

3 a.m. - After two hours of timing, I decided I might as well call the OB office and let them know what was going on. They asked me to come in just to get checked out. So, instead of doing what I was told, I took a nice shower, puddered around a bit and finally woke up Jake. He was NOT happy that I was waking him up two hours earlier than he normally got up for work. He kept saying that he didn't understand why we had to go in, they were just going to send us home. I asked him to take off his grumpy face, load up the bags and get in the car or I was going to walk to the hospital by myself (the hospital is about 300 yards from our back yard so this was an ongoing joke).

4 a.m. - Arrived at the hospital and got settled into triage. This is where they determine whether you're in real labor and you get to be admitted to a room or you're a first-time mom who thinks her water has broken but she has actually pee'd herself. I was 4 cms. Jake was pretty surprised to hear the nurse say "You're not going home again until you've had your babies." At this point, I am in minimal pain.

6 a.m. - 6 cms. I move into my own room and get assigned an awesome nurse who was the exact type of personality I needed. Still not too much pain. I was breathing through the contractions, trying to concentrate and just take it all in. The nurse sent in an anesthesiologist who gave me an epidural. At this point, I will say that I truly believe I could have done without drugs, however, this was my first time doing something like this and I thought it would take forever. Also, my hospital highly recommends epidurals with twin births because there is a chance that an emergency c-section would be necessary. As soon as the epidural was inserted, Dr. B. came in and broke my water. She found that Baby A had meconium in her fluid. Dr. B. told me that she wanted to go ahead and break my water because she was afraid I would stall and labor would last a long time if she didn't. She had a surgery at 9 a.m., but she said as soon as she was done, she would come check on me.

6:30 a.m. - 9 a.m. - I slept. Jake slept. Yes, you read that right, we slept through the rest of my labor.

9 a.m. - Nurse comes in to check on me and in the process wakes me up a bit. Before she even has a chance to check me, I tell her that I believe we are go for launch. She checks me and is amazed that I am 10 cms and ready to go. Dr. B. is still in surgery so I request Dr. S. from the same practice. Dr. S. comes to my room and says that she is ready when I am. I did one or two practice pushes...honestly, I can't remember...I just remember the nurse saying something about no more practice pushes, these babies are ready! So I was wheeled to the OR to deliver.

9-something - I was in the OR, Jake was standing on my right side, awesome nurse was on my left side, Dr. S. and some student doctor were at my feet. A different anesthesiologist was there, ready in case of an emergency, four infant nurses and 2 NICU doctors. So, 12 people in one room were ready to welcome our sweet girlies into the world. Dr. S. said that it was ok for me to go ahead and start pushing with the next contraction.

9:45 a.m. - Sydney Anne was born after three contractions. Because of the meconium, she had to be suctioned immediately and taken to a warmer. I was able to see her from where I was on the bed. I took about a two second breather.

9:53 a.m. - Carynne Marie was born after two contractions. She was definitely ready to meet the world and I'm sure she would have come out even more quickly if I hadn't taken a breather. She was taken over to a warmer and I sent Jake over to get every little last detail on camera because I was afraid I would be out of it and not remember later.

By 10 a.m., both girls had been examined by the NICU doctors and were determined to be healthy and perfect so I put one girl in each arm and got wheeled back to my room. There we were, a family of four.

Last night Jake and I were laying in bed. He rolled over and said to me "God, I miss those little girls so much." I miss our little family of four.

Quiet House

Yesterday was a very quiet day at home and it made me sad. It should have been the girls' first 4th of July celebration, but instead it rained all day. So, I sat on the couch most of the day, in and out of sleep, trying to distract my mind. I miss the sound made when we would pat their backs, trying to get a little burp out. I miss the sound of them babbling. I miss the sound of Carynne being upset in the bathtub because she hated baths. I miss the sound their NG tubes would make in their bellies when we would check for placement...it sounded like a tiny little fart through the stethescope. I miss the constant hum of the oxygen machines.

Yesterday, during the quiet, I had the urge to go into their room, but I didn't. I think it would have been too hard to sit in the little rocking chair. I used to sit there, holding one of the girls after her bath, while Jake was drying off the other. I would set their clothes out on one of the cribs with Sydney's on the left, Carynne's on the right, so Jake would know who got to wear what. We very rarely dressed them alike, and I tried as hard as possible to make sure that from the first time an outfit was put on, it was then forever known as Carynne's or Sydney's, not interchangeable between the two. It was my attempt at trying to make them as individual as possible. Now, when I refer to them, it is almost always as a duo, not individually. I feel guilty for that, but it is so hard to avoid. I will try to get better at keeping their identities separate.

The house is quiet again tonight, and now I'm realizing that it is quiet most nights, so I better get used to it.

Upset Auntie

I am very upset this morning to the point of crying although my tears quickly turned to anger. I am so tired of hearing about, reading about, and seeing parents that don't care about their children! I was looking at the news today and one of the top stories was an Ohio couple left their 2 year old in the car for 9 hours, resulting in the little girl passing from a heat stroke! I can not begin to tell you how much this upsets me, I can't believe that these things actually happen. I don't understand why people that don't want or don't care about their children continue to have children. I can't stand to see people take their children for granted I just want to scream at them that they have no idea how lucky they are! I just can't wrap my head around why things are the way they are. There are people that would give anything to have children, people who are loving and would give those children the world. I know for a fact that Brook and Jake would give anything to have even 5 minutes with Sydney and Carynne, but instead of getting to be the wonderful parents I know they are they have the mourn the loss of their beautiful daughters.

Now, I'm not trying to get on my soap box and say that I never get angry or irritated with my child but it's the people who neglect their children that upset me. I feel for the children who don't yet know what real love is and I worry about their future as adults, will they be able to function normally in society? I look at my son and I can't understand why all parents don't love their children the way they should, what happened along the way to cause them to lose the attachment? NOTHING, I mean NOTHING is more important than your child, you must care for them, you must love them, you brought them into this world....I just don't understand why these awful parents don't get that.

I apologize that I'm so angry this morning, but I read the news story and something just snapped me into this angry state. My heart breaks on a daily basis for Brook and Jake, for the pain they continuously endure. And my heart breaks for myself, the part that is left empty because of the girlies being gone. Losing them has changed me for forever, it gives me a totally new perspective on things. I soak in every single minute I have with my son and the girlies have taught me to love like I have never loved before.

Guardian Angels

Dear Girlies~
I wanted to leave you the lyrics to one of my favorite songs. The words are even more special to me now, because they remind me of you both. I believe you are here everyday...that your spirits are connected to ours...and I know you will continue to be present in our lives forever...I truly believe you both are our guardian angels.
I love you girls and miss you everyday!!!!


"The Prayer"

I pray you'll be our eyes
and watch us where we go
And help us to be wise
in times when we don't know

Let this be our prayer
when we loose our way
Lead us to a place
guide us with your grace
To a place where we'll be safe

I pray we'll find your light
and hold it in our hearts
When stars go out each night

Let this be our prayer
when shadows fill our day
Lead us to a place
guide us with your grace
Give us faith so we'll be safe

We ask that life be kind
and watch us from above
We hope each soul will find
another soul to love

Let this be our prayer
just like every child

Needs to find a place
guide us with your grace
Give us faith so we'll be safe

Important Dates Continued...

I guess I should explain why I am doing this...I use my Outlook calendar for everything in my life. Throughout my entire pregnancy, I kept all of my doctor's appointments on my work calendar and since I will be unemployed in a month, I want to make sure and have as many days as possible written down so I never forget.

• March 31st, 2008 - 16 week ultrasound. The ultrasound was pretty routine, but the one thing that made it a little different was that the technician guessed the gender of the babies. She wasn't 100 percent sure they were girls, more like 90 percent, but we withheld from telling anybody until our next ultrasound just to be on the safe side.
• April 28th, 2008 - 20 week ultrasound. She guessed right!! Two beautiful girls happily carrying on inside of me.
• May 17th, 2008 - We went to our first of many classes at the hospital. This one, however, was directed specifically at parents of multiples. I remember Jake saying after the class that that was the point for him where it really sunk in that there were going to be TWO babies for us to take care of pretty soon.
• June 7th, 2008 - We had a cookout at our house instead of a 'formal' shower. It was very fun and much more laid-back than a normal shower...it was so good to see so many friends.
• June 13th, 2008 - I remember it was just me and the guys at work that day. I had been on my feet for quite a while, having a few Braxton Hicks contractions here and there. After lunch, they started happening more often so I called Dr. B. and went into her office at 3 p.m. She told me to stay off my feet over the weekend, come back on Monday and see how I was feeling. I went back on Monday and was officially put on bed rest for the rest of the pregnancy. I had to take Procardia every 4-6 hours to help with the contractions. I took the Procardia from then until August 25th, 2008.
• Between June 13th and August 25th, 2008 - Bed rest was boring. I had twice weekly NSTs and once weekly appointments with Dr. B. Anyone who has been pregnant knows how boring NSTs are...especially for two babies! It took forever to do my NSTs because the girls' heartrates were always so close that the technicians could never tell if they were getting two different babies on the monitors. I used to sit in the recliner all afternoon and watch TV or call people, while the girls were ticking away on the machines. When I would call Poppy at work, he would always comment about how neat it was to hear the girlies over the phone.
• August 25th, 2008 - Appointment with Dr. B. and NST. I was 36 weeks pregnant and HUGE! I had gained 55 pounds total and I was incredibly uncomfortable. I let Dr. B. know that I was getting a little impatient, so she scheduled an induction for September 10th at 7 a.m. WHAT?!?! 2 1/2 weeks??? Because I was considered in the 'safe' zone, I was allowed to go off of the Procardia. I was 2 cm dilated and nothing much was changing.

I will save the next two days for another post...

10 Months

Dear Sweet Girlies,

Today would have been your 10 month birthday. So far, today has been very hard, but it is early and I'm hoping things will get better. We are going to go visit your trees later and water them. It has been so hot here that I feel like they need tons of water. I have a confession to make...I cry a lot more than I let on. I cry in the shower; on the way to work; on the way home from work; in bed in the middle of the night. It's just too hard not to. I just miss you too much. I miss the familiarity.

In one month I will be unemployed. I am so scared, mad, hurt, you name it. Work and routine is safe for me. I know what to expect each day and I can pretty well time when I have flashbacks to you. Once I am done working, I will have to figure out a new routine and it scares me to death. What if I am out and I lose it? What if I do something new with my life that makes me too busy, too distracted to think about you? I wish I could rewind my life. If I could, I would go back to October. To the days when Daddy and I were both home with you and we would spend the entire day just hanging out as a happy family of four. We would goof around and dance while we watched Ellen, we would go out for lunch and maybe run an errand or two, we would talk and laugh and play on the floor all afternoon.

I just want you to know how much I love you; how much I miss you.

Love,

Mommy

Four Months Continued

Sydney,

You left us four months ago today. Yesterday was not so bad, today is much worse. Today I miss talking to you, holding you, seeing your sweet smile. Today I want so badly to walk into your room and see you lying in bed, smiling up at me. I want to scoop you up and never put you down. I want to look into those deep blue eyes and soak you in. For now, though, I will have to settle with looking at pictures.

This picture of you cracks me up. It is typical Sydney, being a firecracker. I told daddy that I was getting ready to write to you and he asked me to tell you 'Hi'. I miss you so much today. I love you so much.
Love,
Mommy

Four Months

Carynne,

Four months ago today you left us. Normally I dread three days out of the month; the 22nd, 23rd and 27th, but I woke up smiling today. I had a dream last night and I was holding you. It was probably the best dream I've had since you left us. We were at a restaurant with a big group of family and I was just taking in every bit of you.

I can't get over how happy you look in this picture (even with your sisters 'stinky' feet by your head). Your sweetness will never be forgotten. I love you so much!

Love,

Mommy

Your Daddy

Dear Carynne and Sydney~
Today is Father's Day, so I thought I'd share some of my memories of Daddy with you two. Your Daddy and I have know eachother for almost 10 years. We met at a bar in Oxford, Ohio in 1999. We went on a few dates together, but quickly realized a friendship was more our thing...Daddy would like to tell you that I made out with all his friends and thats what changed his mind (may or maynot be a true story;-) Over the years we've had lots of fun times together. Camping trips, "monsters in the pool", birthday bashes, Bob Evans breakfasts, monon walks, fartings jokes and so much more it would take a lifetime to write about!!!! In the early years, most of those times involved drinking, partying and doing a lot of "1, 2, 3's" but as we (and our livers) have gotten older, we've become family. Your Daddy is such an important person to me...my life would definitely feel empty without his presence in it. He's taught me to be more open-minded, less judgemental and he's taught me that farting in public can be really funny given the right setting!!! In case you didn't know, I introduced Mommy and Daddy...and I take full credit for their getting married:-) I was so proud and honored to take part in their wedding, and when they told me about you guys I was ecstatic!!! It always made me feel so special when Daddy would call me "Aunti Sonya"...who would have thought a guy I met in a bar would be family to me all these years later?!?! I've never known a Daddy that loved his girlies more than yours. I miss seeing him "chipmunk" kiss you...I miss the pictures he would send out of you girls doing funny things at home with him...I miss seeing his face light up when he would come into a room and see you both there. It's so hard because when you both passed, I remember being so focused on Mommy that I feel like I wasn't there for Daddy like I should have been. At the funeral, when it was time to come up and say our condolences, Daddy looked at me and gave me the most comforting smile...I was already a hot mess before I even got up there. And I remember he said to me, "it will be o.k. Sonya". How is that he could bring such comfort to me on such a day as that?!?! Girls, your Daddy is such a strong, kind, funny, silly, intellegent and fiercly loyal man. I know I could call him for anything...anytime. I feel so blessed to have known him...to continue to know him. I wish for Daddy the same that I wish for Mommy...that he find some peace. I know it will come in time...I know that someday I'll see his face light up like that again...and that I'll see those kisses come out of hiding to cover the faces of your sibilings. You are so special to him girlies...and as much as he is lucky to have you both, you are just as lucky to have him in return.
I love you lots and miss you tons and tons and tons girls!!!!
Aunti Sonya

Important Dates

Just some memories...

• December 1st, 2007 - Jake and I had been talking about having kids for a while and on this evening, we were sitting on the couch and decided to 'officially' start trying. We declared that we would take it easy and see what happened; if it happened it happened, if not, we would decide what to do from there.


• December 31st, 2007 - Had to cancel our New Years Eve plans because I was sick.


• January 9th, 2008 - Jake left for work at 6:30 a.m. I got up around 7ish. My cycle wasn't late or anything, just thought it would be fun to take a pregnancy test for the hell of it. Took some random, old test from the back of the cabinet. Two lines. First panic attack I've ever had in my life. I didn't call Jake to tell him because I wanted to tell him in person; I called Gwen. I told her I was freaking out and she told me to get my shit together...this was a good thing, it just happened faster than was expected. I went to work and pretty much did nothing the entire day, I mean, who could concentrate with a secret like this? On my way home from work, I stopped at Target to get a little gift to help me tell Jake. I got a bib with a turtle on it as well as some turtle booties. I came home and gave it to Jake and he didn't understand why I was giving him baby stuff...had to explain that we were pregnant and he got the biggest grin.


• January 22nd, 2008 - Told Sonya and Jess I was pregnant. Jake and I were eating at La Hacienda and as we were talking, I told him that I felt so guilty for keeping such a huge secret from my best friends so we decided we would go over there after we ate. First we went to Sonya's apartment and tricked her. She didn't believe us at first. Then, we called Jess and told her that the three of us were going to come over with some homemade baked goods for her. At the time, she was pregnant with Nate, so the lure of tasty treats was too much for her to turn down, despite the fact that it was late at night. When we walked in, I told her that I didn't have any goodies, but I did have a new friend for Nate in my belly. She was excited, but remember she was pregnant, so she was also sad that there were no treats.
  
• January 23rd, 2008 - Little Joe died. I was so mad at him. He was supposed to be with us and share in the excitement of a new baby like we had for him. Our kids were supposed to grow up together. Our kids were supposed to know him as 'Uncle Joe' like they would know our other friends. He took that from us. I was sad because we didn't even get the chance to tell him. Maybe if he had known how bright the future would be, he would have re-thought things?


• February 3rd, 2008 - Told Danny, Erin and Sean we were pregnant during the Super Bowl. Danny said that when I went in for my first appointment they were going to find twins. I told him he was silly.


• February 4th, 2008 - First appointment. We had an ultrasound to date the pregnancy and the ultrasound tech (Rita, who we later got to know very well) told us we were having twins. We were in shock; laughing an amazed and nervous laugh all at the same time. From there, we were taken into a different room to work out all of the details of this news with our OB.
  
• February 5th, 2008 - I went into work still stunned. I had told Roger the day before that we were pregnant and were going to go see the doctor, but I hadn't told any other coworkers. He had joked as well that we would end up with twins. When I walked in, he raised his eyebrow at me and I just held up two fingers. He laughed so hard...it was funny because nobody else knew what we were laughing about. Later that morning, I went into Dave's office and told him that I was going to need some time off. He asked why and I told him that Jake and I were expecting twins. I was very surprised by his reaction...he is normally pretty subdued but he just started laughing and said how nice it would be to have some 'grandkids' around.


• February 9th, 2008 - We made onesies to give to my mom and dad and Jake's mom and dad. They said 'We love our grandparents.' First we went to Gwen and Chad's new house to 'help' paint and stuff. When my mom and dad got out there, we told them we had early Valentine's Day gifts for them. They opened the bag and pulled out the onesies. My mom said that they were too small for Amelia and Sophia and I said that they weren't for them, they were for our babies. Everybody was very surprised...especially Gwen and Chad because they knew we were pregnant but they didn't know we were having twins. Afterward, we drove to Jake's mom and dad's and gave them the same Valentine's Day line. They didn't get it at first either, but once they did, they were overjoyed. We had lunch with them at the Antique Mall. Jake's grandma and grandpa met us out there and Jake's dad told them that they were going to be great-grandparents to twins. Shirley went crazy! With her phone addiction, I'm sure that the entire town knew before Jake and I ever made it back to Indianapolis.
  

Somewhere Over the Rainbow

I was in Randolph County this weekend for Relay for Life. They played lots of songs some sad, some inspirational, and alot just to keep everyone awake the whole time. They played a series of what I would call sweet songs about losing someone and for this event it was about losing someone to cancer. They played one song during this series of songs that made me miss you two so much. I was taking a break behind the track, sitting with my sisters on a picnic table. As one song ended and the next one began I started crying just hearing the intro to the song, it was the Hawaiian version of Somewhere Over the Rainbow. As the song kept playing I cried harder and harder, my sisters weren't sure why I was crying but my sister Vanessa said "it's making you think of the babies isn't it?" Now girlies, I have cried many tears for you but this was the first serious cry since we lost you. This crying was painful and as that song played the wound felt just as fresh as it did when I heard it at your viewing. I didn't remember the song being as long as it was, I just wanted to go up the DJ and say please play another song! It's such a beautiful song but it put me in such a sad place, I closed my eyes and memories of you flashed through my head much like the slide show your mommy and daddy made.

In addition to the deep feeling of sadness I got angry because it brought me back to the place I was during your funeral. WHY? Why did we have to lose you? Why do my friends have to go through such pain?................Then the song ended and my tears started to dry. I told myself this isn't just a walk for cancer, but a celebration of life so I decided to walk a lap for you girls in your memory. During that lap I thought of all the positive things you've done for so many people and I just celebrated your life to get me out of the place where I question things. Because of you there are parents that are cherishing their children like never before, families are closer, friendships are stronger. Because of you more people are aware of SMA and that many more people can join the fight to find a cure. Although you are gone the eyes you've opened may lead to treatment that will save other lives. I am trying not to question why you're gone I just have to find strength in all the positive you've done in this world.

No words can describe how I care for you. I just miss you!
~Auntie Jess~

Fixing

I feel like I have been blogging a lot lately about dreams; the one I had last night was not very good. In the dream, Jake and I were out running errands and we had Carynne with us. She was hooked up to her oxygen, but for some reason, she couldn't get enough air. We were stuck in traffic and I was screaming at Jake to get us home to the big tanks so that we could turn the airflow up. I started giving her CPR but I knew it was too late. I was jolted awake and stayed up for about an hour, too upset to try to go back to sleep.

It's terrible how your mind plays tricks on you in your dreams. Certain dreams that you want to go on forever are cut short and then really disturbing dreams keep coming back to you. It's all completely out of your control. A lot like the disease. During their entire illness, I just felt like I was so helpless for them. I just wanted to make it all go away and I couldn't; I wanted to fix them.

The other night a work friend of mine graciously gave us tickets to Coldplay. We love Coldplay, but maybe it wasn't a good idea to go. They started the song "Fix You" and Jake and I both started crying. Jake was able to stay pretty composed, but I had one of those awful, shoulder-heaving, breath-stealing cries going on. As parents, you're supposed to be able to fix your children's problems; kiss their boo boos, scare away the monsters in the closet, comfort them during thunderstorms. I don't get to do that. I can't fix them.

Lost thoughts

Dear Sweet Girlies,

You are on my mind a lot today. I am very thankful for that. You see, there has been a lot of yucky stuff going on in the company that I work for and because it has directly affected me and daddy, I feel like I haven't had much time to focus on you. Last night I told daddy that I feel like I'm starting to forget how you felt laying in my arms; how your cries and babbles sounded; how you smelled. So, today I decided to post some pictures of you on the blog and then tell stories to go along with those pictures. When I started going through the pictures, all of those hidden memories came back with a quickness and although they make me hurt so much for you, they bring me relief in that I'm not forgetting.

This picture was taken of the two of you just a few days after Christmas. Grandma Shelly bought you new bathrobes and slippers. Neither of you liked them very much...Sydney, you obviously had more of an objection that Carynne, but I couldn't help but get some pictures because you both looked so cute!

Carynne, this was your first attempt at cereal. You loved it! You would let it sit on your tongue and move it around like you were playing with it. Sometimes you would spit it out for fun (like you're doing here).

Here you are playing a pretty intense game of checkers. So intense, that Carynne, you fell asleep! Nothing like milk and checkers on a quiet afternoon to make somebody sleepy.

So, I guess the point of me writing all of this to you is to let you know that I don't forget you. I never will. You are my daughters and I love you with every inch of my being.

Love,
Mommy

~Sweet Girlies~

Two angels lived here on the earth for just a little while.
To change our lives, to melt our hearts, all with just their smile.
Although they had to leave us, they really haven't gone away
We have the love that's in our hearts and that is where they stay
We try not to be burdened, broken down with all our sorrow
For we know they'll bring a pretty day, the sunshine of tomorrow
There's no way we can bring them back no matter how hard that we try
But they are here, they're all around us, our guardian angels standing by
Goodbye is hard to say to angels taken much sooner than was planned.
We shall brave the grief of loosing them and try to understand

Written in memory of you sweet girlies

You are so missed, Auntie Jess

QUOTE:

I saw a quote online today and it made me think of you. I miss you littlest ladies, Auntie Jess


"Some people make the world special just by being in it."

Tree Planting

Our online friends got together with Keep Indianapolis Beautiful to plant two memorial trees for the girls. Last night, Jake, Patrick and I went down to the Monon Trail to help plant them. If anybody would like to visit them, they are at 42nd and Winthrop, right behind the State Fair Grounds. They are called Service Berry Trees (like Juniper Berry) and they have a bright white bloom in the spring. We picked some ripe berries off and ate them...they were super tasty! I have a feeling lots of birds will be very happy to be visiting the girls' trees!

And apparently our camera is about to kick it...these pictures look bad :(

Dream Crying

Have you ever had such an intense dream that you wake up and can't tell if it was real or not? I had one last night and I woke up actually crying. In my dream, we were at Jake's mom and dad's house opening Christmas presents and I was sitting on the couch bawling because nobody would acknowledge that our babies weren't there. When I woke up, I couldn't get it out of my head and it's pretty much put me in an all day funk. The sad thing is, the dream isn't that far from the truth with either of our families. It hurts.

On another note, I have tried to avoid feeling like 'why us?' since the day the girls were diagnosed. I was able to redirect my feelings for quite a while, but they're slowly starting to creep in. I know it is part of the grieving process to question everything surrounding the girls' lives, but this is a hard one to get past. I wonder why our babies? why now? I read about negligent parents, I see them in the stores, I hear them yelling at their kids, and I actually get angry at them for not cherishing what they've got. I want to take them and put them in my place and make them see what they have and how thankful they should be. I want them, for just a tiny second, to feel the pain that I feel every single day, and I want them to know how lucky they are to have their babies. But, I know I can't do that. I can't force my opinions on somebody else. All I can do is hope that the change that our girls made in this world will some day reach them.

My sister's Facebook update today:

Amelia saw a rainbow for the first time the other day and this morning asked, "Mama, do you remember that rainbow? Will Sydney & Carynne get in trouble for coloring on the walls in heaven?"

Sharing flowers with you....

Hello girlies,

I have some pretty flowers in my yard and I want to share them with you. The pink ones are especially pretty because they remind me of you. The striped flowers are really unique, I believe that they are roses. I have never seen anything like them, so I want you to see them too!


I also found two beautiful pink flowers. These two flowers remind me of you because they are so close together. It looks like they are holding hands just like you always did.

I know that this summer I will see lots more things to share with you, but I just wanted you to see the pretty flowers and know how they make me think of you. I am so lucky to have known you and to have had you in my life, I just want you to know that. I love you and I miss you.

Keep sending the pretty pink flowers my way,
~Auntie Jess~