Explaining Myself

I just want to start out by saying thank you to all of the readers out there who still come back and check out our girlies. I'm sorry for dropping off my post last night so I wanted to explain myself. A lot of times when I write, it is from work so if I add pictures, I am limited to only pictures I've uploaded to my Snapfish account. Last night, I wrote from home, where I had every single picture we'd ever taken at my fingertips. As I was going through them to find a picture of Great Grandma Muriel with 'her babies', I came across the last picture we took of the two of them together; alive. The picture was taken the night before Carynne died and she was in the same outfit she was wearing when she was rushed to the hospital early the next morning. When she died, Jake tried giving her mouth-to-mouth and in the process, her entire stomach emptied onto herself, him and the blanket she was sleeping on. When I got to the hospital, she was naked and they handed me her clothes in a plastic bag. I took the bag home and because our entire lives turned upside down, it sat in the family room for about four days before I realized it was there.

Last night, when I saw that picture, it took me back to that day when I discovered the bag, opened it and all I could smell was Carynne and her last moments. I threw the bag away about 2 seconds after I had opened it. The sensible side of me thinks it would have been silly and disgusting to keep a bag full of puke-covered clothes, the irrational side of me wishes I hadn't thrown it away because it had her on it. I don't regret throwing it away, but I do regret the thoughtlessness with which I did.

There are still clothes in their hamper that I haven't gotten around to washing. I don't know if I ever will. I don't know what all is in the hamper; there might be something VERY stinky in there, but I won't even look in there. Hell, I can barely walk into their room, let alone go through their stuff.

As far as the picture goes, for now it will stay in the computer. I have refrained from posting pictures of them on the blog where they looked sick. I have tried to keep the pictures as upbeat as possible. But, maybe I'm not being honest with myself or with you. However raw they might be, maybe I need to show the world what it was really like for us during those last few weeks; how painful it was to see our sweet girlies laying there, hooked up to oxygen tanks and O2 monitors and apnea machines. But, then again, that's not what I want to remember most about them. I want the world to know about this hateful disease, but I don't want the disease to define my babies.

Girlies on my mind

I went Saturday morning to get some groceries at Meijer and while in the baby section I saw the most adorable little swimsuits for girlies. They were little bikinis and I just pictured you two looking so cute in those little swimsuits. This made me smile...... :)

Yesterday your mommy, Sonya, Erin, and I did a workout at Sonya's pool. There was a moment after we were done working out and I was alone for a second putting our picnic together that you were on my mind again. I just thought about how I would love you see you girlies playing at the pool in your little swimsuits. How I wish that your mommy could get to do all the normal summer things that mommys and girlies do. How I wish your mommy could do everyday mommy things like putting sunscreen on you so you wouldn't get burnt playing at the pool. Staring at the pool I was picturing your mommy and I taking our little ones to the pool for a fun day. I was picturing you two splashing around in the pool with your boyfriend. I could almost hear your little giggles because of the fun you were having. I was wishing that you two, your mommy, Nate, and I could have our own little picnic after we were done playing. I was thinking about the fun little picnic treats I would make for us. I was thinking that Auntie Sonya would be there with us because your mommy might need help with two 11 month old girlies in the pool. I was having such a wonderful daydream and I was happy. But then I felt a sadness well up inside me and I had to pull myself together because Erin was coming over to sit with me. I felt like I was going to burst into tears so I had to shut off my daydream of us.

When your mommy and I were both pregnant I had already started these daydreams of all the fun you two and Nate would have. When I am in those moments that I had visioned it hurts because I know they'll never get to happen they way I dreamed they would. It's little moments like yesterday that make me miss you two so very much. I just wish we could create these memories I dreamed about.

Since I wrote about yesterday I am reliving my daydream and I am sad. I love you girlies and miss you everyday!

11 Months

Dear Sweet Girlies,

Today you would have turned 11 months old. I put off writing this post for quite a while today. I just didn't want to go to that painful place in my head. I did a pretty good job of avoiding it all day and then, in the middle of my workout, it hit me. I was wiping my eye and an eyelash fell into my hand, which made me think of you both. You girls were very different, but were so alike in so many ways. You both had amazingly long, beautiful eyelashes. I remember when you were first born, that was one of the things that all of your visitors commented on. I think we actually have Great Grandma Muriel on video talking about your long lashes. You would have made super models jealous!

Sydney, here you are with Great Grandma Muriel at the hospital on the day you were born.

I'm sorry, I wish I could write more. It's too hard today. I love you so much!

Love,
Mommy

5 Months Continued...

Sydney,
You left us five months ago today. Last night I dreamed about you and your sister and it was so nice. It was like you were right there with me. I think that one of the hardest parts of grief is just missing somebody's presence. If somebody moves away, you always know that the opportunity is there for you to be in their presence again. I don't have that ability with the two of you anymore and it's hard to comprehend that it has been taken from me.

The face you're making in this picture is your silly ornery face. I turned around for maybe a minute to do something else, then I looked back and you had managed to get this toy around your arm. We decided that you were a bit of a diva and you just enjoyed carrying your 'frog purse'. You look so proud of yourself here. It makes me miss those adorable faces so much. I miss how your cheeks squish up into little chipmunk cheeks when you smile. I miss you both so much and I wish, more than anything in this world, that I could see you again.
Love,
Mommy

5 Months

Dear Carynne,

You left us five months ago today. It's funny how time works...sometimes I feel like you just died yesterday and other times I feel like it's been eons since I last got to hold you. I replay your death in my head over and over. It haunts me. I try to push it out of my head and turn to only good memories of you. Memories of you in your swing or wearing your too-big shoes or sucking in your bottom lip to smile. Those are the memories that need to stay in the front of my mind.

When I was getting ready to write this post to you, I thought about just doing a bunch of pictures. I was going through some files and came across a picture of you sleeping. Those pictures are really hard for me to look at. Both you and your sister look so quiet and peaceful and sweet in them, but they take me back to that time when you were too quiet and too peaceful and too much like porcelain baby dolls. When you were laying together in that bassinet and I had to say goodbye. When your daddy and I were the last ones standing in the room with you, his hand on my back, telling me it was time to go home.

As I go through this process, I will try not to dwell in the details of your death, I will try to refocus on our five and a half months of good. I love you.

Love,

Mommy

Double Rainbow

Dear Girlies~
I just wanted to say thank you for the BEAUTIFUL double rainbow that you gave us on Sunday. Mommy, Daddy, Daddy Darling and I were on our way back from a visit with Nana and Poppy and it started to rain. As we drove further along the Muncie bypass, the sun started to shine. I told everyone in the car to watch for a rainbow, and when we turned around there were two!!!!!! It was so pretty we pulled over on the side of the road so I could take some pictures. They reminded me so much of you girls...beautiful, soft, similar yet different, heartwarming...gone too soon. Thank you for that brief moment where the world stood still and all we could see was your beauty in the sky above us. I love you both so much and miss you more than words can say!!!!!!

If I had 10 Million dollars...

Most of the 'Questions of The Week' at the Multiples Blog Network don't apply to me anymore, but I can answer this one. The question is what would you do with $10 million?

• Pay off all of our bills and our mortgage then remodel our bathroom.
• Buy all of our friends (Sonya, Jess, Danny, Erin and Sean) new cars - this includes paying their insurance b/c insurance is higher on new cars.
• Take a few months to travel the world, then when we find really awesome spots, we'll call up all of our friends *see above* and fly them to where we are.
• Send Jake back to school.
• Give lots of money to SMA research.
• Give lots of money to Riley Hospital (including a book for all residents on bedside manner)
• Give lots of money to lots of other charities in the area...Keep Indianapolis Beautiful, March of Dimes, Julian Center, etc.

There is one other thing I'd like to do, but I don't think I can buy that wish...

Girlfriends

Girlies,

Nate and I were in the grocery store today and I saw a mommy with two little girls......this made me very sad. It really got me thinking of you, I just miss you so much. I get mad that I have to miss you because you should be here. Nate should be getting to know his girlfriends, it breaks my heart that he had such wonderful friends that he is too little to remember. We should be having play dates, me and your mommy should be taking walks together with our little ones in the stroller. Your mommy and I should be sharing stories about mommyhood and giving each other tips. Instead we are all in this fog and just when it gets clear enough to see, something reminds us of you and the clouds fill our heads with thoughts of missing you.

Nate now points to things and says "uh dat" which is "what's that". He pointed to the picture of you two that we keep on our fridge and said "uh dat" and I was telling him that you were his little girlfriends. I told him how he would go over to your house and play on the mat with you two. I told him how we posed you three in reindeer antlers to take Christmas pictures, I told him how pretty and sweet you were. He just looked at me and smiled as I was talking about you, almost as if he understood all of what I was saying. I love telling Nate about his girlfriends because I want him to know all about you, I just wish I didn't have to tell him about you and that you were just here. I wish that he could "know" you and that you three could continue to make memories.

I don't know what was different about today sweet girlies, but I've thought about you all day. I cried for you today, I love you! I really really miss you, I want to hold you and snuggle you today!

Missing you always~ Auntie Jess

Sneaky Tears

Dear Sweet Girlies,

I miss you so much today. I am so mad that you aren't here with me. I don't care what anybody else says, you belong here with me. I am so sick and tired of hearing that everything happens for a reason and that's why you two left me. I don't think any reason is ever good enough! Today I'm just mad because I miss you so much and life seems so unfair. I just want to scream out; I want to yell at anybody that will listen to me. I want to know who makes up these stupid 'reasons' and why I wasn't a part of this decision.

I have these 'episodes' two or three times a day that I call sneaky tears. I will just be sitting there, minding my own business, and my tears will start. If I'm at work, I go to the bathroom or I go outside or I go up to my car and wait things out. If I'm at home, they usually sneak up on me in the shower or in the middle of the night in bed. I get them a lot when I'm driving too...I'll hear a song on the radio or I'll see a mom and baby walking the Fall Creek Trail. Obviously, tonight they came while I was watching TV. Most of the time, they are a few quick sobs and I pull myself together. Tonight they overtook me; they filled my whole body with such a deep sadness that I feel like I have a black hole digging through to the very core of my being.

Writing to you helps a lot. It makes me feel like I'm talking to you. It makes me remember when I would talk to you about all the amazing things that your fresh little lives had waiting for you. Mostly though, it makes me feel like you're with me, if just for a second. I know you've left me physically, be please don't ever leave my heart. I love you too much to let you go.

Love,

Mommy

Special Day!

Happy Birthday Aunti Sonya! We love you!

Just thinking.....

Dear Girlies~
Was just thinking about you lots today, so I thought I'd say hi...I love you and miss you tons!!!! I hope your resting well tonight and enjoying the beautiful scenery around you both. Snuggle close and sleep tight girls......smooches, smooches, smooches!!!!!!
Love Aunti Sonya

I should add...

When I was in labor with the girls, I threw on a t-shirt and yoga pants while Jake threw on a t-shirt and shorts. It was after we got to the hospital that I realized we were both wearing beer shirts. Me in my High Life Lite and Jake in his Guinness. Guess we probably didn't win any parent of the year awards that day, but I wouldn't expect anything else from two hashers.

Speaking of the hash (not the smoking kind), I'm not sure why, but for some reason I just haven't been feeling it lately. We have made some amazing friends through the club and I love hanging out with them outside of running, but I feel like the actual club is very cyclical. Many of the people we started out with don't come out as frequently as they used to and I don't know a lot of the 'virgins'. It is hard on me when you're running with somebody for the first time, getting to know them, and they ask if you have kids. We're still having trouble finding a gentle way to answer that one.

The rest of the story...

Tuesday, August 26th, 2008 - Just another boring day at home. I was very bad and met Jake out for lunch. We ate at the Penn Station on Pendleton Pike because he was working a job in the area. I had a ham and cheese sandwich. Afterward, I went back to man my station on the couch. Jake came home from work and we had dinner (I don't remember what we had, but I know it wasn't spicy). Back to being a big lazy bum. Jake has a tendency to fall asleep on the floor when he is watching tv and this night was no different. I was laying on the couch, completely restless, and finally woke him up and told him to go to bed at around 11 p.m. I went back out to the couch, very annoyed that I couldn't sleep.

Wednesday, August 27th, 2008 - 1 a.m. started having some contractions. Because I had stopped taking the Procardia earlier in the week, I knew that my contractions would come back, but I expected regular old Braxton Hicks contractions. From my very first one, I knew these were different. I started timing them on a Web site and they varied between two and four minutes apart. Honestly, I was not in any pain at all; I mean, I was used to these things, I'd been having them for 10 weeks, they just came with the territory.

3 a.m. - After two hours of timing, I decided I might as well call the OB office and let them know what was going on. They asked me to come in just to get checked out. So, instead of doing what I was told, I took a nice shower, puddered around a bit and finally woke up Jake. He was NOT happy that I was waking him up two hours earlier than he normally got up for work. He kept saying that he didn't understand why we had to go in, they were just going to send us home. I asked him to take off his grumpy face, load up the bags and get in the car or I was going to walk to the hospital by myself (the hospital is about 300 yards from our back yard so this was an ongoing joke).

4 a.m. - Arrived at the hospital and got settled into triage. This is where they determine whether you're in real labor and you get to be admitted to a room or you're a first-time mom who thinks her water has broken but she has actually pee'd herself. I was 4 cms. Jake was pretty surprised to hear the nurse say "You're not going home again until you've had your babies." At this point, I am in minimal pain.

6 a.m. - 6 cms. I move into my own room and get assigned an awesome nurse who was the exact type of personality I needed. Still not too much pain. I was breathing through the contractions, trying to concentrate and just take it all in. The nurse sent in an anesthesiologist who gave me an epidural. At this point, I will say that I truly believe I could have done without drugs, however, this was my first time doing something like this and I thought it would take forever. Also, my hospital highly recommends epidurals with twin births because there is a chance that an emergency c-section would be necessary. As soon as the epidural was inserted, Dr. B. came in and broke my water. She found that Baby A had meconium in her fluid. Dr. B. told me that she wanted to go ahead and break my water because she was afraid I would stall and labor would last a long time if she didn't. She had a surgery at 9 a.m., but she said as soon as she was done, she would come check on me.

6:30 a.m. - 9 a.m. - I slept. Jake slept. Yes, you read that right, we slept through the rest of my labor.

9 a.m. - Nurse comes in to check on me and in the process wakes me up a bit. Before she even has a chance to check me, I tell her that I believe we are go for launch. She checks me and is amazed that I am 10 cms and ready to go. Dr. B. is still in surgery so I request Dr. S. from the same practice. Dr. S. comes to my room and says that she is ready when I am. I did one or two practice pushes...honestly, I can't remember...I just remember the nurse saying something about no more practice pushes, these babies are ready! So I was wheeled to the OR to deliver.

9-something - I was in the OR, Jake was standing on my right side, awesome nurse was on my left side, Dr. S. and some student doctor were at my feet. A different anesthesiologist was there, ready in case of an emergency, four infant nurses and 2 NICU doctors. So, 12 people in one room were ready to welcome our sweet girlies into the world. Dr. S. said that it was ok for me to go ahead and start pushing with the next contraction.

9:45 a.m. - Sydney Anne was born after three contractions. Because of the meconium, she had to be suctioned immediately and taken to a warmer. I was able to see her from where I was on the bed. I took about a two second breather.

9:53 a.m. - Carynne Marie was born after two contractions. She was definitely ready to meet the world and I'm sure she would have come out even more quickly if I hadn't taken a breather. She was taken over to a warmer and I sent Jake over to get every little last detail on camera because I was afraid I would be out of it and not remember later.

By 10 a.m., both girls had been examined by the NICU doctors and were determined to be healthy and perfect so I put one girl in each arm and got wheeled back to my room. There we were, a family of four.

Last night Jake and I were laying in bed. He rolled over and said to me "God, I miss those little girls so much." I miss our little family of four.

Quiet House

Yesterday was a very quiet day at home and it made me sad. It should have been the girls' first 4th of July celebration, but instead it rained all day. So, I sat on the couch most of the day, in and out of sleep, trying to distract my mind. I miss the sound made when we would pat their backs, trying to get a little burp out. I miss the sound of them babbling. I miss the sound of Carynne being upset in the bathtub because she hated baths. I miss the sound their NG tubes would make in their bellies when we would check for placement...it sounded like a tiny little fart through the stethescope. I miss the constant hum of the oxygen machines.

Yesterday, during the quiet, I had the urge to go into their room, but I didn't. I think it would have been too hard to sit in the little rocking chair. I used to sit there, holding one of the girls after her bath, while Jake was drying off the other. I would set their clothes out on one of the cribs with Sydney's on the left, Carynne's on the right, so Jake would know who got to wear what. We very rarely dressed them alike, and I tried as hard as possible to make sure that from the first time an outfit was put on, it was then forever known as Carynne's or Sydney's, not interchangeable between the two. It was my attempt at trying to make them as individual as possible. Now, when I refer to them, it is almost always as a duo, not individually. I feel guilty for that, but it is so hard to avoid. I will try to get better at keeping their identities separate.

The house is quiet again tonight, and now I'm realizing that it is quiet most nights, so I better get used to it.

Upset Auntie

I am very upset this morning to the point of crying although my tears quickly turned to anger. I am so tired of hearing about, reading about, and seeing parents that don't care about their children! I was looking at the news today and one of the top stories was an Ohio couple left their 2 year old in the car for 9 hours, resulting in the little girl passing from a heat stroke! I can not begin to tell you how much this upsets me, I can't believe that these things actually happen. I don't understand why people that don't want or don't care about their children continue to have children. I can't stand to see people take their children for granted I just want to scream at them that they have no idea how lucky they are! I just can't wrap my head around why things are the way they are. There are people that would give anything to have children, people who are loving and would give those children the world. I know for a fact that Brook and Jake would give anything to have even 5 minutes with Sydney and Carynne, but instead of getting to be the wonderful parents I know they are they have the mourn the loss of their beautiful daughters.

Now, I'm not trying to get on my soap box and say that I never get angry or irritated with my child but it's the people who neglect their children that upset me. I feel for the children who don't yet know what real love is and I worry about their future as adults, will they be able to function normally in society? I look at my son and I can't understand why all parents don't love their children the way they should, what happened along the way to cause them to lose the attachment? NOTHING, I mean NOTHING is more important than your child, you must care for them, you must love them, you brought them into this world....I just don't understand why these awful parents don't get that.

I apologize that I'm so angry this morning, but I read the news story and something just snapped me into this angry state. My heart breaks on a daily basis for Brook and Jake, for the pain they continuously endure. And my heart breaks for myself, the part that is left empty because of the girlies being gone. Losing them has changed me for forever, it gives me a totally new perspective on things. I soak in every single minute I have with my son and the girlies have taught me to love like I have never loved before.

Guardian Angels

Dear Girlies~
I wanted to leave you the lyrics to one of my favorite songs. The words are even more special to me now, because they remind me of you both. I believe you are here everyday...that your spirits are connected to ours...and I know you will continue to be present in our lives forever...I truly believe you both are our guardian angels.
I love you girls and miss you everyday!!!!


"The Prayer"

I pray you'll be our eyes
and watch us where we go
And help us to be wise
in times when we don't know

Let this be our prayer
when we loose our way
Lead us to a place
guide us with your grace
To a place where we'll be safe

I pray we'll find your light
and hold it in our hearts
When stars go out each night

Let this be our prayer
when shadows fill our day
Lead us to a place
guide us with your grace
Give us faith so we'll be safe

We ask that life be kind
and watch us from above
We hope each soul will find
another soul to love

Let this be our prayer
just like every child

Needs to find a place
guide us with your grace
Give us faith so we'll be safe

Important Dates Continued...

I guess I should explain why I am doing this...I use my Outlook calendar for everything in my life. Throughout my entire pregnancy, I kept all of my doctor's appointments on my work calendar and since I will be unemployed in a month, I want to make sure and have as many days as possible written down so I never forget.

• March 31st, 2008 - 16 week ultrasound. The ultrasound was pretty routine, but the one thing that made it a little different was that the technician guessed the gender of the babies. She wasn't 100 percent sure they were girls, more like 90 percent, but we withheld from telling anybody until our next ultrasound just to be on the safe side.
• April 28th, 2008 - 20 week ultrasound. She guessed right!! Two beautiful girls happily carrying on inside of me.
• May 17th, 2008 - We went to our first of many classes at the hospital. This one, however, was directed specifically at parents of multiples. I remember Jake saying after the class that that was the point for him where it really sunk in that there were going to be TWO babies for us to take care of pretty soon.
• June 7th, 2008 - We had a cookout at our house instead of a 'formal' shower. It was very fun and much more laid-back than a normal shower...it was so good to see so many friends.
• June 13th, 2008 - I remember it was just me and the guys at work that day. I had been on my feet for quite a while, having a few Braxton Hicks contractions here and there. After lunch, they started happening more often so I called Dr. B. and went into her office at 3 p.m. She told me to stay off my feet over the weekend, come back on Monday and see how I was feeling. I went back on Monday and was officially put on bed rest for the rest of the pregnancy. I had to take Procardia every 4-6 hours to help with the contractions. I took the Procardia from then until August 25th, 2008.
• Between June 13th and August 25th, 2008 - Bed rest was boring. I had twice weekly NSTs and once weekly appointments with Dr. B. Anyone who has been pregnant knows how boring NSTs are...especially for two babies! It took forever to do my NSTs because the girls' heartrates were always so close that the technicians could never tell if they were getting two different babies on the monitors. I used to sit in the recliner all afternoon and watch TV or call people, while the girls were ticking away on the machines. When I would call Poppy at work, he would always comment about how neat it was to hear the girlies over the phone.
• August 25th, 2008 - Appointment with Dr. B. and NST. I was 36 weeks pregnant and HUGE! I had gained 55 pounds total and I was incredibly uncomfortable. I let Dr. B. know that I was getting a little impatient, so she scheduled an induction for September 10th at 7 a.m. WHAT?!?! 2 1/2 weeks??? Because I was considered in the 'safe' zone, I was allowed to go off of the Procardia. I was 2 cm dilated and nothing much was changing.

I will save the next two days for another post...