5 years later

I was at Target last night picking up a card to give to Jake for our anniversary and nothing seemed appropriate. I could have gone funny and picked the one that talked about him remote-hogging and me cover-stealing; I could have gone serious with the 'yin to my yang' mushiness; I could have picked a million different words to tell him on this day, but none of them fit. So I went simple and picked one with two octopi holding hands with the inside saying I still love to hold his hand. He thought it was cute, but it did make us wonder if there will ever be a card that fits us.

Where is the card that says 'Thanks for dragging me out of bed when all I wanted to do for the last year was disappear into the mattress'? Or the card that says 'I can't believe I just yelled at you about butter, but please know I'm not mad at you and I'm not mad at the butter, I just don't know how to express myself'? Maybe a card that says 'I am in a mental fog, but you make a great fog horn'?

The truth is there isn't a card for us and I hope there is never a market for cards for people like us. Five years ago when we said our vows, I think we were both hoping to be just another ordinary couple that got to exchange ordinary cards on ordinary anniversaries; we never thought we'd be here. Some days we still feel numb about where we are in our lives. We still struggle with how we got here and how we'll make it to tomorrow. I guess the best I can tell him is that I don't know how we'll make it, but I still love holding hands with him and I know that makes the journey a lot easier!

Exploitation

On this blog I generally try to stay fairly opinion-neutral, but I'm just going to say what I'm feeling tonight.

Kate Gosselin makes me feel dirty. I feel like she exploits her kids and that makes me feel dirty. It makes me wonder if others think that by writing this blog I am exploiting my children; I am exposing their lives to a world they didn't ask to be exposed to. I know I shouldn't worry about what people think, but I do...I'm human.

I saw her on the Today Show this morning reading an excerpt from her book. She was reading a letter to one of her children and I immediately thought of the letters I have written here, to my girls. I guess the difference is that I can't talk to my girls and I can't tell them how much I love them and miss them in person, so I have to get it out somewhere. She is so lucky to be able to tuck her kids in at night and remind them that she loves them. I don't know if she is embracing those moments in real life, but I really hope so. I hope all the moms and dads in this world are lucky enough to soak in those moments.

A few months ago, I had thought about turning my blog posts into a book. Not for fame or fortune, but to help others that have been on the devastating end of an SMA diagnosis; for others that have dealt with paralyzing grief; for me and my own peace of mind. I'm beginning to rethink that idea of a book. I just don't know if I could handle the guilt of possibly exploiting my sweet girlies.

For now I'll just keep talking to them in my own ways...when I make a wish on an eyelash or when I stop by their trees or when I write them a little note here. I'm not doing it to exploit them, I'm doing it because I don't know how live my life without talking to them and reminding them that I love them.