10 Months

Dear Sweet Girlies,

Today would have been your 10 month birthday. So far, today has been very hard, but it is early and I'm hoping things will get better. We are going to go visit your trees later and water them. It has been so hot here that I feel like they need tons of water. I have a confession to make...I cry a lot more than I let on. I cry in the shower; on the way to work; on the way home from work; in bed in the middle of the night. It's just too hard not to. I just miss you too much. I miss the familiarity.

In one month I will be unemployed. I am so scared, mad, hurt, you name it. Work and routine is safe for me. I know what to expect each day and I can pretty well time when I have flashbacks to you. Once I am done working, I will have to figure out a new routine and it scares me to death. What if I am out and I lose it? What if I do something new with my life that makes me too busy, too distracted to think about you? I wish I could rewind my life. If I could, I would go back to October. To the days when Daddy and I were both home with you and we would spend the entire day just hanging out as a happy family of four. We would goof around and dance while we watched Ellen, we would go out for lunch and maybe run an errand or two, we would talk and laugh and play on the floor all afternoon.

I just want you to know how much I love you; how much I miss you.

Love,

Mommy

Four Months Continued

Sydney,

You left us four months ago today. Yesterday was not so bad, today is much worse. Today I miss talking to you, holding you, seeing your sweet smile. Today I want so badly to walk into your room and see you lying in bed, smiling up at me. I want to scoop you up and never put you down. I want to look into those deep blue eyes and soak you in. For now, though, I will have to settle with looking at pictures.

This picture of you cracks me up. It is typical Sydney, being a firecracker. I told daddy that I was getting ready to write to you and he asked me to tell you 'Hi'. I miss you so much today. I love you so much.
Love,
Mommy

Four Months

Carynne,

Four months ago today you left us. Normally I dread three days out of the month; the 22nd, 23rd and 27th, but I woke up smiling today. I had a dream last night and I was holding you. It was probably the best dream I've had since you left us. We were at a restaurant with a big group of family and I was just taking in every bit of you.

I can't get over how happy you look in this picture (even with your sisters 'stinky' feet by your head). Your sweetness will never be forgotten. I love you so much!

Love,

Mommy

Your Daddy

Dear Carynne and Sydney~
Today is Father's Day, so I thought I'd share some of my memories of Daddy with you two. Your Daddy and I have know eachother for almost 10 years. We met at a bar in Oxford, Ohio in 1999. We went on a few dates together, but quickly realized a friendship was more our thing...Daddy would like to tell you that I made out with all his friends and thats what changed his mind (may or maynot be a true story;-) Over the years we've had lots of fun times together. Camping trips, "monsters in the pool", birthday bashes, Bob Evans breakfasts, monon walks, fartings jokes and so much more it would take a lifetime to write about!!!! In the early years, most of those times involved drinking, partying and doing a lot of "1, 2, 3's" but as we (and our livers) have gotten older, we've become family. Your Daddy is such an important person to me...my life would definitely feel empty without his presence in it. He's taught me to be more open-minded, less judgemental and he's taught me that farting in public can be really funny given the right setting!!! In case you didn't know, I introduced Mommy and Daddy...and I take full credit for their getting married:-) I was so proud and honored to take part in their wedding, and when they told me about you guys I was ecstatic!!! It always made me feel so special when Daddy would call me "Aunti Sonya"...who would have thought a guy I met in a bar would be family to me all these years later?!?! I've never known a Daddy that loved his girlies more than yours. I miss seeing him "chipmunk" kiss you...I miss the pictures he would send out of you girls doing funny things at home with him...I miss seeing his face light up when he would come into a room and see you both there. It's so hard because when you both passed, I remember being so focused on Mommy that I feel like I wasn't there for Daddy like I should have been. At the funeral, when it was time to come up and say our condolences, Daddy looked at me and gave me the most comforting smile...I was already a hot mess before I even got up there. And I remember he said to me, "it will be o.k. Sonya". How is that he could bring such comfort to me on such a day as that?!?! Girls, your Daddy is such a strong, kind, funny, silly, intellegent and fiercly loyal man. I know I could call him for anything...anytime. I feel so blessed to have known him...to continue to know him. I wish for Daddy the same that I wish for Mommy...that he find some peace. I know it will come in time...I know that someday I'll see his face light up like that again...and that I'll see those kisses come out of hiding to cover the faces of your sibilings. You are so special to him girlies...and as much as he is lucky to have you both, you are just as lucky to have him in return.
I love you lots and miss you tons and tons and tons girls!!!!
Aunti Sonya

Important Dates

Just some memories...

• December 1st, 2007 - Jake and I had been talking about having kids for a while and on this evening, we were sitting on the couch and decided to 'officially' start trying. We declared that we would take it easy and see what happened; if it happened it happened, if not, we would decide what to do from there.


• December 31st, 2007 - Had to cancel our New Years Eve plans because I was sick.


• January 9th, 2008 - Jake left for work at 6:30 a.m. I got up around 7ish. My cycle wasn't late or anything, just thought it would be fun to take a pregnancy test for the hell of it. Took some random, old test from the back of the cabinet. Two lines. First panic attack I've ever had in my life. I didn't call Jake to tell him because I wanted to tell him in person; I called Gwen. I told her I was freaking out and she told me to get my shit together...this was a good thing, it just happened faster than was expected. I went to work and pretty much did nothing the entire day, I mean, who could concentrate with a secret like this? On my way home from work, I stopped at Target to get a little gift to help me tell Jake. I got a bib with a turtle on it as well as some turtle booties. I came home and gave it to Jake and he didn't understand why I was giving him baby stuff...had to explain that we were pregnant and he got the biggest grin.


• January 22nd, 2008 - Told Sonya and Jess I was pregnant. Jake and I were eating at La Hacienda and as we were talking, I told him that I felt so guilty for keeping such a huge secret from my best friends so we decided we would go over there after we ate. First we went to Sonya's apartment and tricked her. She didn't believe us at first. Then, we called Jess and told her that the three of us were going to come over with some homemade baked goods for her. At the time, she was pregnant with Nate, so the lure of tasty treats was too much for her to turn down, despite the fact that it was late at night. When we walked in, I told her that I didn't have any goodies, but I did have a new friend for Nate in my belly. She was excited, but remember she was pregnant, so she was also sad that there were no treats.
  
• January 23rd, 2008 - Little Joe died. I was so mad at him. He was supposed to be with us and share in the excitement of a new baby like we had for him. Our kids were supposed to grow up together. Our kids were supposed to know him as 'Uncle Joe' like they would know our other friends. He took that from us. I was sad because we didn't even get the chance to tell him. Maybe if he had known how bright the future would be, he would have re-thought things?


• February 3rd, 2008 - Told Danny, Erin and Sean we were pregnant during the Super Bowl. Danny said that when I went in for my first appointment they were going to find twins. I told him he was silly.


• February 4th, 2008 - First appointment. We had an ultrasound to date the pregnancy and the ultrasound tech (Rita, who we later got to know very well) told us we were having twins. We were in shock; laughing an amazed and nervous laugh all at the same time. From there, we were taken into a different room to work out all of the details of this news with our OB.
  
• February 5th, 2008 - I went into work still stunned. I had told Roger the day before that we were pregnant and were going to go see the doctor, but I hadn't told any other coworkers. He had joked as well that we would end up with twins. When I walked in, he raised his eyebrow at me and I just held up two fingers. He laughed so hard...it was funny because nobody else knew what we were laughing about. Later that morning, I went into Dave's office and told him that I was going to need some time off. He asked why and I told him that Jake and I were expecting twins. I was very surprised by his reaction...he is normally pretty subdued but he just started laughing and said how nice it would be to have some 'grandkids' around.


• February 9th, 2008 - We made onesies to give to my mom and dad and Jake's mom and dad. They said 'We love our grandparents.' First we went to Gwen and Chad's new house to 'help' paint and stuff. When my mom and dad got out there, we told them we had early Valentine's Day gifts for them. They opened the bag and pulled out the onesies. My mom said that they were too small for Amelia and Sophia and I said that they weren't for them, they were for our babies. Everybody was very surprised...especially Gwen and Chad because they knew we were pregnant but they didn't know we were having twins. Afterward, we drove to Jake's mom and dad's and gave them the same Valentine's Day line. They didn't get it at first either, but once they did, they were overjoyed. We had lunch with them at the Antique Mall. Jake's grandma and grandpa met us out there and Jake's dad told them that they were going to be great-grandparents to twins. Shirley went crazy! With her phone addiction, I'm sure that the entire town knew before Jake and I ever made it back to Indianapolis.
  

Somewhere Over the Rainbow

I was in Randolph County this weekend for Relay for Life. They played lots of songs some sad, some inspirational, and alot just to keep everyone awake the whole time. They played a series of what I would call sweet songs about losing someone and for this event it was about losing someone to cancer. They played one song during this series of songs that made me miss you two so much. I was taking a break behind the track, sitting with my sisters on a picnic table. As one song ended and the next one began I started crying just hearing the intro to the song, it was the Hawaiian version of Somewhere Over the Rainbow. As the song kept playing I cried harder and harder, my sisters weren't sure why I was crying but my sister Vanessa said "it's making you think of the babies isn't it?" Now girlies, I have cried many tears for you but this was the first serious cry since we lost you. This crying was painful and as that song played the wound felt just as fresh as it did when I heard it at your viewing. I didn't remember the song being as long as it was, I just wanted to go up the DJ and say please play another song! It's such a beautiful song but it put me in such a sad place, I closed my eyes and memories of you flashed through my head much like the slide show your mommy and daddy made.

In addition to the deep feeling of sadness I got angry because it brought me back to the place I was during your funeral. WHY? Why did we have to lose you? Why do my friends have to go through such pain?................Then the song ended and my tears started to dry. I told myself this isn't just a walk for cancer, but a celebration of life so I decided to walk a lap for you girls in your memory. During that lap I thought of all the positive things you've done for so many people and I just celebrated your life to get me out of the place where I question things. Because of you there are parents that are cherishing their children like never before, families are closer, friendships are stronger. Because of you more people are aware of SMA and that many more people can join the fight to find a cure. Although you are gone the eyes you've opened may lead to treatment that will save other lives. I am trying not to question why you're gone I just have to find strength in all the positive you've done in this world.

No words can describe how I care for you. I just miss you!
~Auntie Jess~

Fixing

I feel like I have been blogging a lot lately about dreams; the one I had last night was not very good. In the dream, Jake and I were out running errands and we had Carynne with us. She was hooked up to her oxygen, but for some reason, she couldn't get enough air. We were stuck in traffic and I was screaming at Jake to get us home to the big tanks so that we could turn the airflow up. I started giving her CPR but I knew it was too late. I was jolted awake and stayed up for about an hour, too upset to try to go back to sleep.

It's terrible how your mind plays tricks on you in your dreams. Certain dreams that you want to go on forever are cut short and then really disturbing dreams keep coming back to you. It's all completely out of your control. A lot like the disease. During their entire illness, I just felt like I was so helpless for them. I just wanted to make it all go away and I couldn't; I wanted to fix them.

The other night a work friend of mine graciously gave us tickets to Coldplay. We love Coldplay, but maybe it wasn't a good idea to go. They started the song "Fix You" and Jake and I both started crying. Jake was able to stay pretty composed, but I had one of those awful, shoulder-heaving, breath-stealing cries going on. As parents, you're supposed to be able to fix your children's problems; kiss their boo boos, scare away the monsters in the closet, comfort them during thunderstorms. I don't get to do that. I can't fix them.

Lost thoughts

Dear Sweet Girlies,

You are on my mind a lot today. I am very thankful for that. You see, there has been a lot of yucky stuff going on in the company that I work for and because it has directly affected me and daddy, I feel like I haven't had much time to focus on you. Last night I told daddy that I feel like I'm starting to forget how you felt laying in my arms; how your cries and babbles sounded; how you smelled. So, today I decided to post some pictures of you on the blog and then tell stories to go along with those pictures. When I started going through the pictures, all of those hidden memories came back with a quickness and although they make me hurt so much for you, they bring me relief in that I'm not forgetting.

This picture was taken of the two of you just a few days after Christmas. Grandma Shelly bought you new bathrobes and slippers. Neither of you liked them very much...Sydney, you obviously had more of an objection that Carynne, but I couldn't help but get some pictures because you both looked so cute!

Carynne, this was your first attempt at cereal. You loved it! You would let it sit on your tongue and move it around like you were playing with it. Sometimes you would spit it out for fun (like you're doing here).

Here you are playing a pretty intense game of checkers. So intense, that Carynne, you fell asleep! Nothing like milk and checkers on a quiet afternoon to make somebody sleepy.

So, I guess the point of me writing all of this to you is to let you know that I don't forget you. I never will. You are my daughters and I love you with every inch of my being.

Love,
Mommy

~Sweet Girlies~

Two angels lived here on the earth for just a little while.
To change our lives, to melt our hearts, all with just their smile.
Although they had to leave us, they really haven't gone away
We have the love that's in our hearts and that is where they stay
We try not to be burdened, broken down with all our sorrow
For we know they'll bring a pretty day, the sunshine of tomorrow
There's no way we can bring them back no matter how hard that we try
But they are here, they're all around us, our guardian angels standing by
Goodbye is hard to say to angels taken much sooner than was planned.
We shall brave the grief of loosing them and try to understand

Written in memory of you sweet girlies

You are so missed, Auntie Jess

QUOTE:

I saw a quote online today and it made me think of you. I miss you littlest ladies, Auntie Jess


"Some people make the world special just by being in it."

Tree Planting

Our online friends got together with Keep Indianapolis Beautiful to plant two memorial trees for the girls. Last night, Jake, Patrick and I went down to the Monon Trail to help plant them. If anybody would like to visit them, they are at 42nd and Winthrop, right behind the State Fair Grounds. They are called Service Berry Trees (like Juniper Berry) and they have a bright white bloom in the spring. We picked some ripe berries off and ate them...they were super tasty! I have a feeling lots of birds will be very happy to be visiting the girls' trees!

And apparently our camera is about to kick it...these pictures look bad :(

Dream Crying

Have you ever had such an intense dream that you wake up and can't tell if it was real or not? I had one last night and I woke up actually crying. In my dream, we were at Jake's mom and dad's house opening Christmas presents and I was sitting on the couch bawling because nobody would acknowledge that our babies weren't there. When I woke up, I couldn't get it out of my head and it's pretty much put me in an all day funk. The sad thing is, the dream isn't that far from the truth with either of our families. It hurts.

On another note, I have tried to avoid feeling like 'why us?' since the day the girls were diagnosed. I was able to redirect my feelings for quite a while, but they're slowly starting to creep in. I know it is part of the grieving process to question everything surrounding the girls' lives, but this is a hard one to get past. I wonder why our babies? why now? I read about negligent parents, I see them in the stores, I hear them yelling at their kids, and I actually get angry at them for not cherishing what they've got. I want to take them and put them in my place and make them see what they have and how thankful they should be. I want them, for just a tiny second, to feel the pain that I feel every single day, and I want them to know how lucky they are to have their babies. But, I know I can't do that. I can't force my opinions on somebody else. All I can do is hope that the change that our girls made in this world will some day reach them.

My sister's Facebook update today:

Amelia saw a rainbow for the first time the other day and this morning asked, "Mama, do you remember that rainbow? Will Sydney & Carynne get in trouble for coloring on the walls in heaven?"