Pictures from Dee

Jason looks a little nervous :)

Dee with Carynne on the right and Sydney on the left.

Brady investigating a stranger in his home.

Megan getting in some cuddle time.

Patrick with the girls.

Sydney on the day she was born.

Me and Carynne on the day she was born.

Happy 7 Months!

Dear Sydney and Carynne,
So, I was afraid that today would be very difficult for me because you should have turned 7 months old today. Instead, the day wasn't so bad because I tried to fill my head with happy thoughts. Sydney, I was thinking of the time I put a little bit of chocolate on your tongue. You were pretty much in seventh heaven. I think that is the only proof that you were my baby; you loved sweets. Everything else about you mirrored your daddy. I do think it is ironic though because when we tried with you, Carynne, you didn't like it so much. You were my girl through and through.

The other day on Ellen there was a movie trailor for "Where the Wild Things Are." For some reason it made me very sad. I started crying because it made me miss you and miss all of the things I wanted you to experience. I think of all of the flowers coming up in the yard and it reminds me that you'll never enjoy a spring. I planted some Stargazer Lillies for you in the corners of the yard and I really hope they come up. Daddy and I picked out Stargazers for the arrangement around your bassinet. They were beautiful, but not as beautiful as you.

I want to say 'thank you' for giving me so much strength. I feel selfish asking for more, but I know it will come with time. I want to go back to work and get back to a life among the rest of the world, but it is really hard for me sometimes. Little things, like babies in carseats and toys at Target, remind me of you and send me to a very dark place. A place where all I am consumed with is the sadness of missing you. I know I need to think about the times that we did have together, not the times that you will miss, but it is hard to pull myself out of the darkness.
I love you!
Love,
Mommy

Something good

So, how about helping out a fellow mom of multiples and voting for her belly?

She is the one in the green, 4th picture down with the blue background.

Thanks

http://www.babygizmo.com/vote/index.php

Buried Treasure

So, the other day Dee sent me a link to some pictures on her smug mug account from the Benefit Concert. They were amazing pictures, but I was snooping around her friends section and came across a ton of pictures from the day the girls were born. It was like I had come across a buried treasure! I was so excited because we have a ton of pictures from when we were in the hospital, but most of them are of other people holding the babies. Dee, I owe you a HUGE thank you!!! Seeing these absolutely made my day! Let me know if I can post them here :)

People

Dear Girlies,
I hope you are safe and holding hands today. I miss you so much. I love you both so much and today I feel robbed because our time together was too short. I have to be completely honest with you...I think your death has made me a little jaded. Daddy and I were sitting in a restaurant the other day and I was watching a young mom flop around her infant daughter. I was so mad at her for being so brash. Doesn't she know how lucky she is? Doesn't she know that each day is so incredibly precious?

I watch TV late into the night and it is all crap. Do you remember watching late night TV while I was feeding you? I wish I could get just a few hours of that time back, no matter how sleep-deprived I was. During these programs I just want to scream at the people for being so trivial. I feel like life is so much bigger than how people are living. Reality TV is crap. Get kicked off Survivor? Who cares? Do something stupid in front of the cameras on Real World? Get over yourself. Didn't win some bachelor's heart? Move on.

I'm sorry this letter is so negative. I am thankful that you have taught me to see how precious every moment of life is. I am thankful that you gave me and Daddy all of your smiles because when I think of them I am brought back to a happy place. I am thankful that you let me be your mom. Today I will be mad and jealous but tomorrow will be better. I love you both and I always will.
Love,
Mommy

Letters

Dear Girlies,
I don't have much to say, I just feel like I need to write to you to be close to you. I am reminded of you wherever I go. For the first week after you were gone, I just wanted to be home, where you once were, soaking in as many memories as I could. Daddy has tried to get me out of that cocoon and back into the real world, but it is very hard because small details of the outside world bring me more grief than the memories at home. Patrick has a conference this week in Baltimore so we are driving out with Megan a few days later to meet up with him. We are going to visit DC, Baltimore and then go up to Niagara.

Today we went to the bookstore to pick up some magazines for the trip. I looked to my right and there were all sorts of children's books that I wanted to buy for you. I loved reading to you because you were so attentive. I'm sure that you both would have been great readers. I looked to my left and there were the magazines about fit pregnancies and raising 'green' children. It made me remember the days that I would sit on the couch feeling your kicks and dreaming about our future. In front of me was the self help. I ventured into that section and found a book about grieving the loss of a child. I picked it up, bought it and brought it back home. I've read about 2 chapters and now I want to scream.

Where is the book about losing two children? Where is the book about losing infants? Where is anybody in this entire world that knows how I am feeling? I feel like the only other person is your Daddy. I have people surrounding me with love and support all day, yet I feel very empty. I wish I knew how to fill this void. If not fill it, at least adapt to it and start living my life again.

It's hard to get over this overwhelming feeling of missing you. I just want to hold you in my arms; I want to feed you and give you a bath and take care of you. I am a mom and that is what I am supposed to do...I am supposed to be taking care of my babies, not mourning them. I love you and I miss you so much.
Love,
Mommy

Warning: Extreme Cuteness Ahead!

Here are some pictures of the girls taken on Valentine's Day. They were taken by Carrie Furry who owns Fingerprints of Grace. She takes pictures for families dealing with grief and uncertainty. She came to our house and did an amazing job of capturing the girls' personalities! The tutus came from sweetiepietutus (an Etsy shop). I had ordered them, along with some cute cupcake onesies for the girls' 6 month birthdays, but they were just too cute to pass up using for our photoshoot! The fluffy ball things were made by Carol's Girl Scout Troop. They made them to hang above the girls' crib so they would have something fun to look at.

Crazy Toes

Rynner sucking in her bottom lip right before a huge smile

Sydney hamming it up

Look at those bellies!

Some divas in the making

Pretty in pink

Priceless

Rynner sticking out her tongue

Beautiful Sydney

Smiling Rynner

Sick!

I don't even know where to begin with this post...it makes me so angry I can't even think straight. Somebody who posted to the comments section of my blog quite frequently turned out to be a fraud. She claimed to have lossed a daughter earlier this year and sympathized with the pain Jake and I are going through. I don't have the time or energy to research every commenter, besides, I 'know' most everybody who visits this blog, but apparently the entire story was a fake.

Why would anybody want to go through this sort of pain? I just don't understand why! There are so many things I wish I could do over; so many things I wish I hadn't seen; so many things I would have preferred to have lived my whole life without knowing. The next few points might be graphic so don't read if you don't want to.

• I wish I had more warning when Carynne's heart stopped beating. I thought there was something wrong with her monitor so I started fiddling with her toe sensor. I woke Jake up and by the time he came in, I realized it wasn't her monitor, it was her. I told him I couldn't see her chest rising with her breaths. He didn't believe me and then he noticed it too. He started giving her CPR when I called 911. Even though they pronounced her dead at the ER, we both believe she died here on the playmat with her sister. Her stomach emptied onto Jake's mouth when he was giving her CPR. The smell of her formula on his skin the rest of the day made him upset.
• I wish I had been with her when she died. I knew something was different during this trip to the ER because they wouldn't let me ride in the ambulance with her, they made me ride in the police car. By the time the policeman got me to the ER, the doctors were waiting to tell me that she had passed away. I fell to the ground. It didn't seem real. Sydney had been sick and honestly we expected her to go first. Carynne gave us absolutely no warning. But, that was her style...very quiet and calm.
• I wish Jake had been with me in the ER. Because an infant died at home, they required Jake to stay at the house and make a statement for the homicide detective. After I called 911, I called Sonya and screamed something into the phone about coming over. She and John came to the house in record time, but I was already gone to the ER. She dropped John off with Jake and came straight to the ER. She told them she was my sister so that she could get back to see me. When she came in, she saw Carynne lying there with me crying over her. I wish that Sonya didn't have to see that...I wish that she didn't have to remember that image because it is such a painful one for me and I don't want it to be for her.
• I wish that we hadn't pushed Sydney as hard as we did. When we first got diagnosed in January one of the first things we did was write up and sign DNR forms for both of the girls. This meant that we didn't want to have machines do artificial breathing for them. Well, we essentially did the breathing for them the last two weeks. I think that the deterioration of the disease happened so quickly though that we didn't realize what we were doing. When we were diagnosed on Jan. 23rd, the girls were put on oxygen only during naps and bedtime. Once we got the oximeters, we realized that they were not getting adequate oxygen during the day as well. At that point, we put them on .5 liters full-time, then 1, then 2, and so on. By Feb. 23rd, the day that Sydney died, she was only able to maintain between 85 and 90 percent oxygen at 6 liters. From what we've been told, 6 liters is too high for a baby to be on...it is like being on CPAP, which is what we didn't want (hence the DNR). There were times that she would 'crash' and we would turn her oxygen way up...once all the way to 12. I feel so guilty for that now because I don't know if that was hurting her.
• I wish that I didn't question whether or not Sydney had any brain damage. Because she was hovering in the 80s so much the last few days I think she might have had some brain damage. One of the nurses did a neurological exam at the very end and she was completely unresponsive. This makes me so very sad. It was at this point that we decided to pull her oxygen. She laid on a pillow on my lap and I just held her. Jake held her hands and we talked to her and told her it was ok to stop fighting and that her sister needed. Sonya turned off all of the phones and locked the front door. The whole house was quiet except for the sound of my sobs. She took her last breaths in my arms and I just sat there and held her and kissed her head. Sonya called Sean and he came over. I wish he hadn't seen her laying there in my arms because I think it really disturbed him. About an hour after she died, the funeral home people came to pick her up. Apparently, because we hadn't called 911 and because she was a hospice patient, they didn't need to do a police report. The two men came into the house and Jake and I carried her out in the cold to the back of their vehicle. They had another body in the back in a body bag. I was so upset that she would be riding to some warehouse with a stranger. I just felt so empty and alone for her. I asked the men to make sure that she was put by her sister so that they could be together.
• I wish that I didn't have to explain our decisions to people. No, we are not burying our children, we are having them cremated. Jake and I have always said that we wanted to be cremated rather than buried so it was a pretty easy decision to do the same for the girls. The most convincing reason why we wanted to have them cremated is because we don't know if we'll continue to live in this house, let alone this city or state, and we wanted to make sure that we're always with them. Megan suggested that I get a locket where I can put some of their ashes and then get it soddered (sp?) shut. My parents got me one for my birthday and I am going to have their initials engraved on the front before I send it to get it soddered. That might sound morbid to some people, but I can't even begin to explain how hard it is to be away from them. I think it is some sort of motherly instinct to always be near your children and protecting them and it has been so hard for me to just be away from them physically. After the funeral on Saturday, I just stood over them because I couldn't leave.

So, I guess the whole reason for this post is to try to show how real this pain is. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy and for somebody to be so attention-hungry to make up such a story is beyond words to me. One of the most positive things I have learned during the last few months is how good people are. A few bad apples won't tarnish my opinion that people truly are good and I hope it doesn't yours either. The outpouring of love and support we have seen is amazing and I can't even begin to say thank you to everybody who is thinking of us, praying for us, doing our dishes, fielding our phone calls (you know who you are Jess and Sonya) and working so hard to wipe this devastating disease off the map.

Reminders

Dear Girlies,
Yesterday we said goodbye to you. You didn't look like yourselves, you looked like little porcelain baby dolls laying together in your bassinet. You were holding hands. I was blown away by the number of people that came on Friday to say goodbye to you and tell you how much they love you. Kim is taking all of the cards and putting them in a book for you. And the flowers...they are all just beautiful...I hope that wherever you are, you can smell them and smile. Amelia wanted to give you a message so she wrote them on balloons and let them go up into the sky. She held my hand during your service and helped give out big hugs to everybody afterward.

It seems like wherever I go in the house, I am reminded of you. Sonya picked up all of your things and put them in your room. She closed the heat vent and the door. I went in there yesterday and it was so dark and cold, but I know that if everything were throughout the house it would be even harder on me. All of your 'aunts' and 'uncles' came over yesterday and we played SingStar. I got really upset when MC Hammer was playing because it reminded me of you. Do you remember when you were still too small for most of your clothes and we put you in pj pants and shirts. We teased you that you were wearing Hammer pants and then we made you do the Hammer dance. It was so funny and even now I am smiling thinking about it, but for some reason yesterday it made me sad.

Heather is going back to Colorado tonight and Sonya and everybody else is going back to work in the morning. Tomorrow it will just be me and Daddy. I think we are just going to sleep the entire day. I would like to go to sleep for a few weeks and wake up and have everything be ok. I don't think that is possible though. You can't sleep off this kind of pain the same way you sleep off a headache or a cold. Even when I'm sleeping, I'm thinking of you.

I want you to know that we love you. I hope that we made the right decisions for you. I hope that everything was done the way you would have wanted. I hope that you're in a place now where you aren't suffering and struggling. I hope that you know just how special you are to so many people.
Love,
Mommy