Sydster

Dear Sydney,

I was sitting down tonight to write you and I asked Daddy if he had anything he wanted to tell you. He wanted to tell you that he says hi, he loves you and he misses you.

Today was hard on me and your daddy. We were both pretty grumpy this evening so we went down to visit your trees. Normally visiting your trees really cheers us up and makes us happy, but tonight it was so cold and dark and we were so mad at the world that visiting your trees didn't bring us to a happy place. I just stood there, in the dark, staring up into the sky being mad. I just don't understand why this world works the way it does. I don't understand why we have to go visit your trees instead of holding you.

As we were heading home I found a joke in reserves. Apparently, it was pretty funny because Daddy let out a pretty good chuckle. I told him that if I had to guess, I would bet that your laugh matches your daddy's. Really joyful and full of spirit.

I wish I could hear that toddler laugh of yours instead of guessing what it would sound like. I wish I knew whether or not you had the same sense of humor as us. It makes me very sad to know that I only know the first 5 1/2 months of you. I wish that I had had more time with you and your sister. I wish that I could tell you, in person, everyday, how very much I love you.

Love,

Mommy

Lovely Carynne

Dear Carynne,

I've tried to write this post to you a few times today, and each time I've had to stop. I'm so scared of this anniversary. I don't know what to expect; I don't know how I will feel. Today my head just kept playing our last moments over and over and I wish instead that I would replay good moments. Happy moments.

This last year has been horrible without you. Everyday I miss you more and more. Some days it physically hurts that you aren't in my arms. Some days I want to scream in anger that you aren't with us anymore. Some days I just cry until I am out of tears.

I wish I could better understand why this happened to you and your sister; why this happened to our family. I wish I knew that you were ok. I wish you knew how much I love you. I wish you were here so that I could tell you that in person. It's not fair that I can't tell you. It's not fair that I have to write you a letter to tell you instead of showing you. It's just not fair that you're not here. You belong here, with me and daddy and Sydney.

There are nights that I sit crying, begging you to come back to me. Why can't you be with us? Why can't we hear your beautiful laugh? Why can't we see your sweet smile? Why do we have to resort to pictures and videos to be with you? I wish I had more answers.

Today, on this year anniversary of your death, I will try to remember good memories. I won't focus on my sadness. I will love you with everything that I have.

Love,

Mommy

Riley ice-skate-a-thon

Hello all it's Brook's friend Jess, I took a few pics of the group and Brook wanted me to share.

Brook and Jake. Brook took home my award for best balance.







Brook, Jake, and Sean. Jake and Sean tied for my award for best effort.







Jake, Sean, Brook, and I. We had lots of fun and it was awesome to support Riley.



Sonya and Brook. Blurry image is due to the photographer unstable on her skates ;)



Sonya and I. Sonya took home my award for best rookie skater. I took home my award for most falls! Jake received an honorable mention for multiple falls.

A little love

In honor of Valentine's Day, I thought I would take a little time to talk about me and Jake.

One statement we hear all the time (at least once a week) is "I don't know how you guys do it." And to that I usually say that I don't either. I can't explain why I am still here or how I am able to wake up every morning or how I am able function in a semi-normal way. All I know is that I am here and so is Jake and sometimes, even when we're alone on a raft in the middle of the ocean, we're still here together.

Trust me, we have our moments! There are days that we want nothing to do with each other. There are days when we get really mad at each other for really little, insignificant stuff. We will yell at each other, storm away in anger, slam doors and break down in tears of anger. We don't know why we act the way we do, it's just that sometimes we get all of these bottled-up emotions and there is nowhere else to throw them except at each other. If I could explain it, I would, but it's like they're just there and sometimes they make no sense at all.

Thankfully, we usually recognize what we're doing to each other, and when the dust settles, we come back to each other, seeking forgiveness, kind words, hugs and usually a trip to get ice cream or coffee to talk it out and make things better. Once we're back to good, we see that it is still just us, together, trying to survive with each other and hopefully get better with each other along the way.

So to Jake, I am so thankful that you are on this road with me, because I could not have walked this with anybody but you. You put me in the folds of your arms when it gets to be too much for me and you let me know I am safe and that we will get through this together. You predict a bad moment or a sad memory sneaking up on me and you put out that fire before it starts to burn out of control within me. You tell me what I need to hear, when I need to hear it, but most importantly you know when to say nothing at all and just let me have my moment. I can only hope that I have been as good a partner to you as you have been to me. I can only hope that we continue to survive together and that we never lose sight of what we are, what we have, what we've had and what we hope to be one day.

And one more note...a year ago today a wonderful woman came to take pictures of the girls. She lovingly gave of her time and resources just so that we could have some beautiful memories. I am so thankful for the images she has given to us. There is no way we would have known at the time that one short week later our girls would be gone.

A quick bit of peace

I was reading through an article today about a young man and his experience at West Point. It took me back.

About a month after the girls died, Jake, Megan and I drove out to the east coast where we met up with Patrick, who had been at a work conference in Baltimore. We spent the following days just driving along the east coast, going through D.C., Baltimore, NYC and further north to Niagara Falls. Along the way to Niagara, we stopped at West Point Academy and took a tour of the facilities. It was beautiful and awe-inspiring. Standing at a lookout at the top of the river, I finally felt peace. It was the first time I had felt that peace in a long time. It was brief, but it was there. And silly me, I had almost forgotten how wonderful it was. I'm lucky that memory came back to me so I figured I needed to get it out.

On a side note, Niagara was not very peaceful, in fact it was pretty noisy. Going back home, through Cleveland, was not peaceful either, but that is for another post.