Grumpy old lady

I am a grumpy old lady. I was reminded again today of how much I don't like change. I think I just get too comfortable with routine and when that routine is changed up, it sends me spiraling downward. I started a new job today. It's not the same. It isn't the same beautiful drive downtown at my own pace, it's a drive in heavy traffic and construction. It isn't the same lunch, it's a 'get in your car and drive to a drive-thru instead of walking along the brick sidewalks of downtown' lunch. It isn't the same people, it's people that don't know me or my story.

I think one reason why I hadn't posted in so long is because I got into a routine of being at home and being comfortable, surrounded by happy pictures and happy memories of my girlies. And today, during that awful drive, a lot of negative feelings came back.

In the first two hours of my new job I was asked if I had any kids. Before I got to work I told myself that I wouldn't bring up anything about the girls for a while because I wanted my co-workers to get to know me first. When I was asked, I just kind of shrugged on the outside. On the inside, I was having a full-blown panic attack. How disrespectful of me to not answer that...to the person asking, but most importantly, to my girls. I just froze and didn't know what to say. My face got hot, my palms got sweaty and all the air escaped my lungs. I just wish I knew what to say to people. I feel like when I answer that question, all I do is bring people down...but if they had only known my girls and what amazing, sweet babies they were, it wouldn't be so sad.

So, I guess the question is, what's the best way to answer such a difficult question???

Merry Christmas Sweet Girlies!

I'm pretty positive I've posted this picture before but, I just love it. 3 little baby Santa's, this picture makes me melt! "Nate and his girlfriends!" We had so much fun last year posing you in your little Santa hats, this Christmas won't be the same without you two.Miss you lots and love you bunches.

~Auntie Jess~

One more thing...

This was us, last Thanksgiving. I love this picture!

Thanksgiving insurance

I am very grumpy today. I was very grumpy yesterday. Jake and I were not looking forward to Thanksgiving very much because we knew what would happen...the girls would not even be mentioned, acknowledged, anything. And that is exactly what happened. It was a pretty awkward situation so Jake and I just kind of kept to ourselves, even when the topic of universal healthcare came up. I appreciate and understand everybody's opinions on universal healthcare, but there are a few problems with bringing it up at a family function:

1. Don't bring it up at Thanksgiving. It's a sensitive topic and there are too many people with too differing opinions and it just makes for bad conversation.
2. Don't bring it up around your son and daughter-in-law because you have no idea. You have had insurance steadily for the past humpteen years. We were so incredibly lucky to have insurance when the girls were sick. In the one month that they were ill, we racked up over $60,000 in medical bills. Thankfully, we've only had to pay a fraction of that, but if we hadn't had insurance at that time, we would not be surviving.
3. Don't bring it up around people that you know are losing their insurance in a few short months. The idea of us not having insurance scares the crap out of us and we have told you how upset we are about it, but thank you for being selfish and only thinking of yourself and how universal healthcare will raise your taxes and bankrupt the country. Thank you so much.
4. Don't bring it up to people that are about to lose their insurance even if they have pre-existing conditions. If there is even a 10 minute lapse in coverage, our pre-existing conditions will not be covered for at least a year, if not longer, so if my eyeball explodes at Thanksgiving next year and lands in your mashed potatoes, please don't be mad...it's what you wanted.

Sorry to go off on such a tangent, but seriously, some conversations are better left for other venues.

I do want to thank Sean and Elly for being awesome cousins and talking to us and making us feel welcome. You were a ray of light on an otherwise very dark day.

Tonight

Jake and I were gone to my mom and dad's most of the weekend so it is late and I'm getting caught up on my e-mails and blogs. I was sad to learn that Owen, an SMA kiddo who's story I have followed since the girls were first diagnosed, passed away last night. One thing that I learned from reading his blog is something that helped me through some pretty difficult days and nights with the girls...that SMA kids are normal kids, their bodies just can't keep up with them. It was such a comfort to know that even when the girls could no longer eat without tubes and could no longer breath on their own, they could still hear us and know how much we loved them. Please think of Owen and his family today.

http://www.fight4owen.com/

Unexpected Panic

**This post has to do with a visit to a doctor's office so guys might not want to read (not that I have guy readers, except for you, Chad)**

Today I had my yearly exam at Dr. B's office. It very much took me by surprise. Being back in that office, in those rooms, with all of those familiar faces ended up being very difficult on me. Before, when I was there, I was filled with so much hope, so much pride, so much love for my sweet girlies who were growing inside of me. But today it was so different. I just felt so lost and empty and alone.

I sat in a quiet room, alone, waiting on the doctor and through the thin walls I could hear the sound of a heartbeat on an NST machine. It made me so scared. Scared that I might never get to carry an extra heartbeat again. Scared that if I do, I will be so filled with worry I won't be able to enjoy it. Scared that my previous experiences will somehow take away from new ones. By the time the doctor came in, I was in a full-blown panic. She barely had a chance to say hello before I was a sobbing mess. I just felt so overwhelmed.

I got through the rest of the appointment and then met up with Dr. B. for a quick chat. She wanted to talk about future 'what ifs' but I told her that right now, my life is completely on hold. I have absolutely nothing going for me and until I get my shit straightened out, there are no what ifs.

Time

Dear Sweet Girlies,

Today you would have been 14 months old. It is hard to accept how quickly time passes to the outside world, but the minute you cross our threshold it's standing still. Our house is still the same, your room is still the same, we haven't touched the cabinet of medical supplies that were organized for you. I just don't want to mess with what was familiar to you. This was your home; this is where your memories were created, and to change that would be very difficult for me.

I was thinking today about Halloween. We didn't buy any treats this year for the tricksters that might come to the door. We won't be turning on our light. Last year for Halloween we took you to Melanie and Eddie's for their neighborhood party. We dressed you as Salt and Pepper and you were really cute. Afterward, we took you to Jason and Dee's where you ate your dinner and then fell asleep in their bedroom. I'm very sad because I never took pictures of your first Halloween. What kind of mom, let alone scrapbooking mom, doesn't take pictures of your first Halloween? I was so disappointed in myself. If only I had known that it would have been your only Halloween.

I think about you a lot. I miss you even more. I love you.

Love,

Mommy