Unexpected Panic

**This post has to do with a visit to a doctor's office so guys might not want to read (not that I have guy readers, except for you, Chad)**

Today I had my yearly exam at Dr. B's office. It very much took me by surprise. Being back in that office, in those rooms, with all of those familiar faces ended up being very difficult on me. Before, when I was there, I was filled with so much hope, so much pride, so much love for my sweet girlies who were growing inside of me. But today it was so different. I just felt so lost and empty and alone.

I sat in a quiet room, alone, waiting on the doctor and through the thin walls I could hear the sound of a heartbeat on an NST machine. It made me so scared. Scared that I might never get to carry an extra heartbeat again. Scared that if I do, I will be so filled with worry I won't be able to enjoy it. Scared that my previous experiences will somehow take away from new ones. By the time the doctor came in, I was in a full-blown panic. She barely had a chance to say hello before I was a sobbing mess. I just felt so overwhelmed.

I got through the rest of the appointment and then met up with Dr. B. for a quick chat. She wanted to talk about future 'what ifs' but I told her that right now, my life is completely on hold. I have absolutely nothing going for me and until I get my shit straightened out, there are no what ifs.

Time

Dear Sweet Girlies,

Today you would have been 14 months old. It is hard to accept how quickly time passes to the outside world, but the minute you cross our threshold it's standing still. Our house is still the same, your room is still the same, we haven't touched the cabinet of medical supplies that were organized for you. I just don't want to mess with what was familiar to you. This was your home; this is where your memories were created, and to change that would be very difficult for me.

I was thinking today about Halloween. We didn't buy any treats this year for the tricksters that might come to the door. We won't be turning on our light. Last year for Halloween we took you to Melanie and Eddie's for their neighborhood party. We dressed you as Salt and Pepper and you were really cute. Afterward, we took you to Jason and Dee's where you ate your dinner and then fell asleep in their bedroom. I'm very sad because I never took pictures of your first Halloween. What kind of mom, let alone scrapbooking mom, doesn't take pictures of your first Halloween? I was so disappointed in myself. If only I had known that it would have been your only Halloween.

I think about you a lot. I miss you even more. I love you.

Love,

Mommy

Fixing a case of the grumps

It used to be that I was the forever optimist. Optimistic about people, work, family, life in general. Jake is the exact opposite. He is pretty pessimistic and I always tried to balance him out. There have probably been a billion scenarios during our nine years together when I have tried to talk him into seeing things more optimistically.

I have found lately, though, that I am becoming much more pessimistic than I care to admit. See people driving crazy? Old me would think they were in a hurry to go hug a loved one; new me thinks they're just big jerks. See people throwing a tantrum about the price of something at the grocery store? Old me would think they're just being frugal; new me thinks they're making a big deal about something completely stupid. The scenarios go on and on. The truth is, I do not like this new me AT ALL!! I like being optimistic. I like thinking there is some bigger, maybe better, reason why people act the way they do. I like thinking that people are generally good. Jake thinks I am naive...I think I'm just hopelessly hopeful.

So, what to do about this grumpier version of me? Today, I was driving home and I heard the newest Pearl Jam release, Just Breathe. I sat at a red light and pictured every person driving by me listening to the same song. I pictured them enjoying the song and really hearing to the lyrics. Eddie Vedder sings, I'm a lucky man to count on both hands the ones I love.

It makes me hopeful to think that people take a minute to realize how lucky they are. It makes me realize that I need to take more minutes to realize how lucky I am. Who would have thought that a song and a red light would be one more step in getting me out of my fog?

Today

Today my heart hurts. Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Today I hate that there is a special day for this. I know why they created this day, I just wish it didn't have to exist. Today I'm thinking of two beautiful little girls and I wish no other parent had to be thinking of memories instead of current events. Today I am thinking of Devin and Elizabeth, Jack, Abigail, Annaleigh, the Doodles and others. This list is too long.

Home

Jake and I used to be very busy, social people. Even after the girls were born we were going, going, going. They went with us to Halloween parties, dinners out with friends, you name it and they were with us. They were such good babies through even our busiest days. They never fussed much and would usually just explore their surroundings until nap time. We were a very happy little family of four.

Lately, Jake and I have been staying in quite a bit. Like the rest of the country, we're trying to watch our pennies. Staying in has some pretty good perks. I feel at peace at home. I feel like I don't get a chance to miss the girlies as much because they're always right here with me. They are surrounding me. I have noticed, though, that when we do go out, I very suddenly hit this point when all I want is to be back home, with my girlies. The urge to be home takes me by surprise. It happens if we've only been out for an hour or if we have been out all day.

Last Saturday we were gone the entire day and by about 8 p.m. I was ready to be home. The urge hit me like a panic attack. I just wanted to get home and be around the memories of my girlies. We had things we still had to do so I tried to push the urge to the back of my head and keep going, but I think being gone that long took a toll on me because we ended up not leaving the house at all on Sunday.

These urges to be home kind of scare me. I'm scared of becoming secluded and losing touch with my friends. I just don't know what to do about it because on the one hand, I don't want to become a hermit, but on the other, I find so much comfort being at home.

Bad Blogger

Sorry I have been slacking on writing anything lately...our lives have been turned upside down and I just feel like I haven't been able to get my head on straight. The last few weeks have been very foggy for me. I have a million things on my to-do list and I just can't find the motivation to do any of them. It is so hard to get motivated when you don't know what your purpose is in life. I used to find purpose and fulfillment by being a supportive wife, an active employee, a contributing member to society and a loving mother. All but one of those has been taken from me and I just don't know how to get back on track. I thought maybe I need to find my purpose somewhere else, but I don't know where to start. I need some direction.

On another note, I had an awesome dream about Sydney last night. I dreamed that we were down in Bloomington walking around campus. She was older...maybe the age she would be now...13 months. She was just learning how to give kisses. I was carrying her on my right hip through the student union and she just kept giving me kisses. It was a very sweet dream...very vivid, and I loved every moment of it.

Auntie Jess' Wish List:

• I wish I could snuggle you girls again.
• I wish I could see your beautiful smiles.
• I wish I could hear your giggles and coos.
• I wish I could have seen you make a mess of your first birthday cake.
• I wish your mommy and I could take our babies to the park together.
• I wish you could have swam this summer.
• I wish I could see your funny faces when trying a new food you didn't like.
• I wish I could hear what your voices sounded like as you learned to talk.
• I wish I could see you trick-or-treating this Halloween.
• I wish I could buy you girls a Christmas present this year.
• I wish you could play in the leaves that are falling.
• I wish you could build a snowman this winter.
• I wish I could stop being mad about what happened to you.
• I wish your mommy and daddy didn't have to go on without you.
• I WISH YOU WERE HERE!

I miss you sweet girlies, there is something everyday that reminds me of you. I will never forget how sweet and wonderful you were. I love you, Auntie Jess.