Fixing

I feel like I have been blogging a lot lately about dreams; the one I had last night was not very good. In the dream, Jake and I were out running errands and we had Carynne with us. She was hooked up to her oxygen, but for some reason, she couldn't get enough air. We were stuck in traffic and I was screaming at Jake to get us home to the big tanks so that we could turn the airflow up. I started giving her CPR but I knew it was too late. I was jolted awake and stayed up for about an hour, too upset to try to go back to sleep.

It's terrible how your mind plays tricks on you in your dreams. Certain dreams that you want to go on forever are cut short and then really disturbing dreams keep coming back to you. It's all completely out of your control. A lot like the disease. During their entire illness, I just felt like I was so helpless for them. I just wanted to make it all go away and I couldn't; I wanted to fix them.

The other night a work friend of mine graciously gave us tickets to Coldplay. We love Coldplay, but maybe it wasn't a good idea to go. They started the song "Fix You" and Jake and I both started crying. Jake was able to stay pretty composed, but I had one of those awful, shoulder-heaving, breath-stealing cries going on. As parents, you're supposed to be able to fix your children's problems; kiss their boo boos, scare away the monsters in the closet, comfort them during thunderstorms. I don't get to do that. I can't fix them.

Lost thoughts

Dear Sweet Girlies,

You are on my mind a lot today. I am very thankful for that. You see, there has been a lot of yucky stuff going on in the company that I work for and because it has directly affected me and daddy, I feel like I haven't had much time to focus on you. Last night I told daddy that I feel like I'm starting to forget how you felt laying in my arms; how your cries and babbles sounded; how you smelled. So, today I decided to post some pictures of you on the blog and then tell stories to go along with those pictures. When I started going through the pictures, all of those hidden memories came back with a quickness and although they make me hurt so much for you, they bring me relief in that I'm not forgetting.

This picture was taken of the two of you just a few days after Christmas. Grandma Shelly bought you new bathrobes and slippers. Neither of you liked them very much...Sydney, you obviously had more of an objection that Carynne, but I couldn't help but get some pictures because you both looked so cute!

Carynne, this was your first attempt at cereal. You loved it! You would let it sit on your tongue and move it around like you were playing with it. Sometimes you would spit it out for fun (like you're doing here).

Here you are playing a pretty intense game of checkers. So intense, that Carynne, you fell asleep! Nothing like milk and checkers on a quiet afternoon to make somebody sleepy.

So, I guess the point of me writing all of this to you is to let you know that I don't forget you. I never will. You are my daughters and I love you with every inch of my being.

Love,
Mommy

~Sweet Girlies~

Two angels lived here on the earth for just a little while.
To change our lives, to melt our hearts, all with just their smile.
Although they had to leave us, they really haven't gone away
We have the love that's in our hearts and that is where they stay
We try not to be burdened, broken down with all our sorrow
For we know they'll bring a pretty day, the sunshine of tomorrow
There's no way we can bring them back no matter how hard that we try
But they are here, they're all around us, our guardian angels standing by
Goodbye is hard to say to angels taken much sooner than was planned.
We shall brave the grief of loosing them and try to understand

Written in memory of you sweet girlies

You are so missed, Auntie Jess

QUOTE:

I saw a quote online today and it made me think of you. I miss you littlest ladies, Auntie Jess


"Some people make the world special just by being in it."

Tree Planting

Our online friends got together with Keep Indianapolis Beautiful to plant two memorial trees for the girls. Last night, Jake, Patrick and I went down to the Monon Trail to help plant them. If anybody would like to visit them, they are at 42nd and Winthrop, right behind the State Fair Grounds. They are called Service Berry Trees (like Juniper Berry) and they have a bright white bloom in the spring. We picked some ripe berries off and ate them...they were super tasty! I have a feeling lots of birds will be very happy to be visiting the girls' trees!

And apparently our camera is about to kick it...these pictures look bad :(

Dream Crying

Have you ever had such an intense dream that you wake up and can't tell if it was real or not? I had one last night and I woke up actually crying. In my dream, we were at Jake's mom and dad's house opening Christmas presents and I was sitting on the couch bawling because nobody would acknowledge that our babies weren't there. When I woke up, I couldn't get it out of my head and it's pretty much put me in an all day funk. The sad thing is, the dream isn't that far from the truth with either of our families. It hurts.

On another note, I have tried to avoid feeling like 'why us?' since the day the girls were diagnosed. I was able to redirect my feelings for quite a while, but they're slowly starting to creep in. I know it is part of the grieving process to question everything surrounding the girls' lives, but this is a hard one to get past. I wonder why our babies? why now? I read about negligent parents, I see them in the stores, I hear them yelling at their kids, and I actually get angry at them for not cherishing what they've got. I want to take them and put them in my place and make them see what they have and how thankful they should be. I want them, for just a tiny second, to feel the pain that I feel every single day, and I want them to know how lucky they are to have their babies. But, I know I can't do that. I can't force my opinions on somebody else. All I can do is hope that the change that our girls made in this world will some day reach them.

My sister's Facebook update today:

Amelia saw a rainbow for the first time the other day and this morning asked, "Mama, do you remember that rainbow? Will Sydney & Carynne get in trouble for coloring on the walls in heaven?"