My Dearest Carynne & Sydney~
You've been on my mind a lot the last couple days, so I thought we should have a little chat. I wish that I could say my thoughts in the last little bit have been happy ones, but that wouldn't be the truth...it's so strange because I feel your presence with me everyday, but man, these last few days have brought me to my knees more times than I can count. The world moves so fast girls that I feel like there isn't even enough time to grieve you the way I should...the way I'd like to. I find myself having conversations with Mommy that are similar to the ones we had before you both were here, and I look back later and feel really guilty. I don't want things to go back to the way they were before. I want things to go back to when you both were here...healthy, beautiful, smiling baby girls...that's what I want. That's what we all want.
Girls, when I actually stop and let all my memories of you take me over, I can hardly breathe. The sadness that overtakes me is unlike anything I've ever felt before. I miss seeing you everyday when I would come by after leaving the gym. I miss walking in and you, Mommy, Daddy and I all "fake sleeping". I miss laying down on your mat and hearing your stories. I feel so selfish...you weren't even my babies, but I feel a part of my heart is missing. It's like Aunti Jess said, we don't have to be blood to be family...part of my family is missing now too.
I have to tell you girls, even though you already know, your Mommy and Daddy are the two most amazing people I will ever have the honor to know. Their strength through all this is nothing short of miraculous. They are my heroes...they are in my thoughts every second of everyday...
I know Mommy wrote a letter to you the other day, and in it she said that she would give her life to hold you both for five more minutes...Girls I just want you to know, that If I could, I would give that gift to her. I would trade my life, my family, my friends...anything...to bring you back to her. It wouldn't even be a question. I wouldn't think twice. It would just be.
It kills me that I can't take their pain away girls, and for that I'm so sorry. I told you both, in those last days, that I would take care of them for you, and I feel like I've let you down. I just don't know the right words...I don't think there are any. Please don't be disappointed girls...I promise that I'll do better to help them through.
I miss you so much Carynne. I miss you so much Sydney. I'm sorry this letter is so sad. I promise next time it will be better. Get some sleep girlies...I expect to see you tomorrow in every flower, every ray of sun and I expect to feel you in every breeze that blows across my face. You are loved and missed more than words can express!!!
Hugs & Kisses
Aunti Sonya
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Staying Strong
Beautiful babies, we are all trying our hardest to stay strong for you. I'm not sure what it is but I've hit a rough patch where I've been missing you alot and any little thing is making me tear up. The other evening I was talking to Nate about the pictures on our refrigerator and I have a picture of you two on it. I told him about how you would play on the mat together, coo at each other, and that you were his girlfriends. His put his hand on your picture, looked up at me and smiled! We look at the pictures alot so maybe he does know who you are, but his reaction to you made me loose it.
I know it's been rough recently for your Auntie Sonya as well. So many people love you and miss you. I feel bad in a way for being this sad sometimes because I look at your mommy and daddy, they are so strong. I know not a minute goes by that they don't miss you. I know how much I miss you so it must be absolutely heart wrenching for them. I know you wouldn't want us to be sad, you'd want us to continue on in your memory. But you were so wonderful and small that it's impossible not to miss you.
I know I'm just your fake Auntie, but I don't need to share the same DNA to know that we are family. I love you the same way I love my own blood related nephew, I thought I would maybe be a mother-in-law to one of you (if you married your boyfriend).
I can't continue to ask why over and over again because I will never know why we are having to go through this. Never again in my lifetime will I ever experience something as profound as I have knowing and loosing you both. Although I continuously miss you I will stay strong; strong for your mommy, for your daddy, our friends, and myself. I will continue to look back and smile at the memories I have of you, I will smile when I think of the large impact you had in just a short time, and I will enjoy life with a new perspective of love and true friendship.
I was listening to some music and there is a song that's fitting, it's called "Stay Strong" by Delta Goodrem.
~GREAT BIG SNUGGLES~
Love Auntie Jess
I know it's been rough recently for your Auntie Sonya as well. So many people love you and miss you. I feel bad in a way for being this sad sometimes because I look at your mommy and daddy, they are so strong. I know not a minute goes by that they don't miss you. I know how much I miss you so it must be absolutely heart wrenching for them. I know you wouldn't want us to be sad, you'd want us to continue on in your memory. But you were so wonderful and small that it's impossible not to miss you.
I know I'm just your fake Auntie, but I don't need to share the same DNA to know that we are family. I love you the same way I love my own blood related nephew, I thought I would maybe be a mother-in-law to one of you (if you married your boyfriend).
I can't continue to ask why over and over again because I will never know why we are having to go through this. Never again in my lifetime will I ever experience something as profound as I have knowing and loosing you both. Although I continuously miss you I will stay strong; strong for your mommy, for your daddy, our friends, and myself. I will continue to look back and smile at the memories I have of you, I will smile when I think of the large impact you had in just a short time, and I will enjoy life with a new perspective of love and true friendship.
I was listening to some music and there is a song that's fitting, it's called "Stay Strong" by Delta Goodrem.
~GREAT BIG SNUGGLES~
Love Auntie Jess
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Pretty Day
Dear Sweet Girlies,
Thank you for giving us such a beautiful day today. This morning, your daddy and I woke up early and drove to Poppy and Nana's to help with some yard work as well as open the pool. Poppy, Daddy and I worked on the pool all morning and then Aunt Gwen, Uncle Chad, Amelia and Sophia came over for lunch. We sang Happy Birthday to Gwen and it made me so sad that we didn't get enough birthdays with you.
I know that you are with us wherever we go, but I can't help thinking about you being physically present. I wish you could have felt the grass under your toes and the sun on your back. I wish you could have heard the puppies bark and felt their soft fur. I wish you could have tasted the cake and smelled the flowers. Mostly, I wish you were sitting on my lap, with your head against my heart, taking in all these little moments. I wish you had your long fingers wrapped around mine while we were singing. I wish I could look into those blue eyes and know that you are ok.
Do you remember when you would put your heads against our hearts? I loved to snuggle up to you and take in your sweet smell of baby shampoo. Sydney, I remember when you first started trying to turn your head, you would lay on my chest and look one way and then the other. I was so proud of you! Carynne, I think you were very close to doing the same, but I think you were so comfortable and content right where you were that you didn't feel the need to look around as much. I would just hold you closer and let your breath fall on my shoulder.
It's moments like this that I miss more than anything in the world. I would give my whole life just to hold you both for five more minutes. I love you both so much and I miss you a million times a day.
Love,
Mommy
Thank you for giving us such a beautiful day today. This morning, your daddy and I woke up early and drove to Poppy and Nana's to help with some yard work as well as open the pool. Poppy, Daddy and I worked on the pool all morning and then Aunt Gwen, Uncle Chad, Amelia and Sophia came over for lunch. We sang Happy Birthday to Gwen and it made me so sad that we didn't get enough birthdays with you.
I know that you are with us wherever we go, but I can't help thinking about you being physically present. I wish you could have felt the grass under your toes and the sun on your back. I wish you could have heard the puppies bark and felt their soft fur. I wish you could have tasted the cake and smelled the flowers. Mostly, I wish you were sitting on my lap, with your head against my heart, taking in all these little moments. I wish you had your long fingers wrapped around mine while we were singing. I wish I could look into those blue eyes and know that you are ok.
Do you remember when you would put your heads against our hearts? I loved to snuggle up to you and take in your sweet smell of baby shampoo. Sydney, I remember when you first started trying to turn your head, you would lay on my chest and look one way and then the other. I was so proud of you! Carynne, I think you were very close to doing the same, but I think you were so comfortable and content right where you were that you didn't feel the need to look around as much. I would just hold you closer and let your breath fall on my shoulder.
It's moments like this that I miss more than anything in the world. I would give my whole life just to hold you both for five more minutes. I love you both so much and I miss you a million times a day.
Love,
Mommy
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Walking and Mothers Day
I don't know where to start this post, so I'll start with the walking and maybe get to Mothers Day...maybe not.
Yesterday and today Sonya and I walked the Monon. The Monon is a walking/biking path in Indianapolis where the former Monon Train Line ran. We've walked the Monon for as long as I can remember, but now it seems harder. We walked it when were young 20-somethings trying to get foxy for my wedding. We walked it with Jess when she and I were pregnant. We walked it with the girls last fall before the weather got cold.
Before the girls were diagnosed with SMA1, Jake and I bought a double jogging stroller in hopes of running with them this spring. Now, I see these joggers about every half mile of our walk and I think 'that should be me'. I should be the one pushing the jogger with my two adorable girlies enjoying the ride. I should be the one stopping along the White River bridge to let the girls look at the ducks. I should be the one stopping at the blind school to let the girls listen to the wind chimes. I should be the one stopping at the sno-cone stand in Broad Ripple to get the girls a sweet treat.
But, it isn't me. Instead I am empty-handed; empty hearted. Instead of pushing a stroller, I am pushing myself with all of my might to make it to the next day. Instead of passing the parents of twins and giving them my 'knowing' look, I am diverting my eye(s) so that floods of emotions don't hit me and break me down right there. And now, I think about that jogging stroller, sitting in the garage, my girls never getting to try it out.
Once, when Jake and I took the girls to the trail, we parked beside the caboose and before we even got onto the trail, both girls needed their diapers changed. We stopped at the gazebo to change them and let them sit in the shade and enjoy the sights before our walk started. As soon as we loaded them back up into the stroller, Sydney fell asleep, but Carynne stayed awake almost the entire ride. She didn't make a sound; just sat in the stroller and took it all in. It was a weekday, mid-afternoon, so the trail was pretty quiet, but I think she loved it that way. Now, it is hard to pass that gazebo and not think about that little chunk of time when the world stood still for us.
I don't think I want to write about Mothers Day...there's not much to say. It sucked.
Yesterday and today Sonya and I walked the Monon. The Monon is a walking/biking path in Indianapolis where the former Monon Train Line ran. We've walked the Monon for as long as I can remember, but now it seems harder. We walked it when were young 20-somethings trying to get foxy for my wedding. We walked it with Jess when she and I were pregnant. We walked it with the girls last fall before the weather got cold.
Before the girls were diagnosed with SMA1, Jake and I bought a double jogging stroller in hopes of running with them this spring. Now, I see these joggers about every half mile of our walk and I think 'that should be me'. I should be the one pushing the jogger with my two adorable girlies enjoying the ride. I should be the one stopping along the White River bridge to let the girls look at the ducks. I should be the one stopping at the blind school to let the girls listen to the wind chimes. I should be the one stopping at the sno-cone stand in Broad Ripple to get the girls a sweet treat.
But, it isn't me. Instead I am empty-handed; empty hearted. Instead of pushing a stroller, I am pushing myself with all of my might to make it to the next day. Instead of passing the parents of twins and giving them my 'knowing' look, I am diverting my eye(s) so that floods of emotions don't hit me and break me down right there. And now, I think about that jogging stroller, sitting in the garage, my girls never getting to try it out.
Once, when Jake and I took the girls to the trail, we parked beside the caboose and before we even got onto the trail, both girls needed their diapers changed. We stopped at the gazebo to change them and let them sit in the shade and enjoy the sights before our walk started. As soon as we loaded them back up into the stroller, Sydney fell asleep, but Carynne stayed awake almost the entire ride. She didn't make a sound; just sat in the stroller and took it all in. It was a weekday, mid-afternoon, so the trail was pretty quiet, but I think she loved it that way. Now, it is hard to pass that gazebo and not think about that little chunk of time when the world stood still for us.
I don't think I want to write about Mothers Day...there's not much to say. It sucked.
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Thoughts.......
Your boyfriend Nate turns a year old this month and as I plan his party I am thinking alot about you. Just like your mommy I am a scrapbooker and I'm not sure about her, but I'm always thinking ahead of the pictures I want to take that will make for a great book. I will get most of the pictures I want, but when I do get around to making Nate's first birthday scrapbook there will be something missing. I had envisioned a picture of Nate with a girlie on each side sitting on his little picnic table, all three of you smiling with your Curious George birthday hats. Knowing that this won't happen makes me sad, but knowing that he got to play with you the times he did makes me smile.
I think about you girls alot and the fact that you were so close in age to Nate makes it hard for me sometimes. As he hits certain milestones I can't help but wonder what you would be doing now. I don't mean to be depressing sweet girlies it's just that I grew so attached to you in the short time you were here. When your mommy and I were belly buddies we bonded in sharing this first experience together, because of you your mommy and I are much closer friends. Having gone through that experience of first time mommy-hood with your your mommy makes me hurt for her even more.
I wonder if you come and visit because Nate randomly looks up at an area of the room and smiles, he babbles as if he's talking to someone but it's just a wall. Is that you? I can't see you, but for no reason I feel the need to smile, I tell myself it's you giving me a snuggle.
Thinking of you today,
Auntie Jess
I think about you girls alot and the fact that you were so close in age to Nate makes it hard for me sometimes. As he hits certain milestones I can't help but wonder what you would be doing now. I don't mean to be depressing sweet girlies it's just that I grew so attached to you in the short time you were here. When your mommy and I were belly buddies we bonded in sharing this first experience together, because of you your mommy and I are much closer friends. Having gone through that experience of first time mommy-hood with your your mommy makes me hurt for her even more.
I wonder if you come and visit because Nate randomly looks up at an area of the room and smiles, he babbles as if he's talking to someone but it's just a wall. Is that you? I can't see you, but for no reason I feel the need to smile, I tell myself it's you giving me a snuggle.
Thinking of you today,
Auntie Jess
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Therapy
Dear Sweet Girlies,
I have been thinking about you a lot today. Daddy and I went to a new therapist last night and had a very good experience. We went together and it was so interesting to hear your Daddy tell his interpretation of your life, your disease and your death. I feel like I have had a really hard time getting past your disease. I think it is because for the last month of your life, we were completely consumed with the management of it all. I want to be able to focus more on where we were before we knew you were sick. I want to focus on the months of good times, not the bad.
I also feel like I am sort of at a stand still in my life while everybody else is moving on around me. Children are growing and learning new things I have these sad feelings knowing that you should be doing the same. If I do think too far into the future, I then feel guilty about it...like I'm somehow leaving you behind, and that upsets me even more. While I get great joy in seeing my friends' and families' children growing up, I get a lot of what if's in my head as well. Who would have walked first? What fruits and veggies would be your favorites? What kind of baby-proofing would we have done to the house? What kind of forward-facing carseats would we have bought? It's like the past is consuming me with this sadness about losing you and the future is consuming me with where we should have been as a family. So, I guess I'll just continue living day-to-day, thinking about you, loving you, missing you and trying to be a better person for you. I love you!
Love,
Mommy
I have been thinking about you a lot today. Daddy and I went to a new therapist last night and had a very good experience. We went together and it was so interesting to hear your Daddy tell his interpretation of your life, your disease and your death. I feel like I have had a really hard time getting past your disease. I think it is because for the last month of your life, we were completely consumed with the management of it all. I want to be able to focus more on where we were before we knew you were sick. I want to focus on the months of good times, not the bad.
I also feel like I am sort of at a stand still in my life while everybody else is moving on around me. Children are growing and learning new things I have these sad feelings knowing that you should be doing the same. If I do think too far into the future, I then feel guilty about it...like I'm somehow leaving you behind, and that upsets me even more. While I get great joy in seeing my friends' and families' children growing up, I get a lot of what if's in my head as well. Who would have walked first? What fruits and veggies would be your favorites? What kind of baby-proofing would we have done to the house? What kind of forward-facing carseats would we have bought? It's like the past is consuming me with this sadness about losing you and the future is consuming me with where we should have been as a family. So, I guess I'll just continue living day-to-day, thinking about you, loving you, missing you and trying to be a better person for you. I love you!
Love,
Mommy
Saturday, May 2, 2009
Cute Babies for Cute Girlies
Good morning ladies...or should I say good mid-morning since it is 12:30!! Just wanted to share something cute with you both.
Mommy and I were sitting outside my apartment this morning and saw the first family of baby ducks!! There were 12 of them, and they were so cute...I know you both would have loved seeing these fluffy little babies with their cute little legs. They were running all over the grass and Mommy and I thought it was so funny!! We also saw some of Alfie's relatives sunbathing on the rocks. You know how much Mommy loves turtles, so she was really excited to see them all too!!! I wish that you both were here to see them all in person, but hopefully t
hese pictures of them will make you smile...it isn't an exact picture of the ones we saw, but close enough!! Enjoy the weather today girlies...the sun is finally out again and it looks like it's going to be a pretty day. I love you so much and am sending you LOTS and LOTS of kisses!!!!!!!!!!
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