Dear Sweet Girlies,
I have been thinking about you a lot today. Daddy and I went to a new therapist last night and had a very good experience. We went together and it was so interesting to hear your Daddy tell his interpretation of your life, your disease and your death. I feel like I have had a really hard time getting past your disease. I think it is because for the last month of your life, we were completely consumed with the management of it all. I want to be able to focus more on where we were before we knew you were sick. I want to focus on the months of good times, not the bad.
I also feel like I am sort of at a stand still in my life while everybody else is moving on around me. Children are growing and learning new things I have these sad feelings knowing that you should be doing the same. If I do think too far into the future, I then feel guilty about it...like I'm somehow leaving you behind, and that upsets me even more. While I get great joy in seeing my friends' and families' children growing up, I get a lot of what if's in my head as well. Who would have walked first? What fruits and veggies would be your favorites? What kind of baby-proofing would we have done to the house? What kind of forward-facing carseats would we have bought? It's like the past is consuming me with this sadness about losing you and the future is consuming me with where we should have been as a family. So, I guess I'll just continue living day-to-day, thinking about you, loving you, missing you and trying to be a better person for you. I love you!
Love,
Mommy
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Gosh, brook, I just can't read these things without crying. You have an enormous support system, keep blogging, we love you. Take it at your pace, day-by-day if need be. {{hugs}}
ReplyDeleteI love you! *snuggle for you*
ReplyDeleteTaking it day-by-day is all you can do sweety. We all love you.
ReplyDeleteyour stronger than words can express. i'm so blessed to know you and i'm a better person for it. take it one day at a time...we all are here for you!!! Love you lots and lots!!!!!!
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ReplyDeleteI wish you never had to wonder what they would have been doing. I wish this kind of pain had never entered your life and your sweet girlies were growing up with you, experiencing all the things you'd dreamed of them doing. My heart breaks and my tears flow for what you're enduring. We don't know each other, but your family is always in my prayers. ((hugs))
ReplyDeleteday by day...praying for you.
ReplyDeleteI knew of a woman who had lost her husband unexpectedly. She took all of his shirts, and had a quilt made. It gave her great comfort. My heart aches for you and your husband. I left my 1 1/2 year old just for a weekend for the first time. That was hard enough. I admire you for going forward. Keep doing the blog. It's good to get all of your feelings out there.
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