Pictures from Dee

Jason looks a little nervous :)

Dee with Carynne on the right and Sydney on the left.

Brady investigating a stranger in his home.

Megan getting in some cuddle time.

Patrick with the girls.

Sydney on the day she was born.

Me and Carynne on the day she was born.

Happy 7 Months!

Dear Sydney and Carynne,
So, I was afraid that today would be very difficult for me because you should have turned 7 months old today. Instead, the day wasn't so bad because I tried to fill my head with happy thoughts. Sydney, I was thinking of the time I put a little bit of chocolate on your tongue. You were pretty much in seventh heaven. I think that is the only proof that you were my baby; you loved sweets. Everything else about you mirrored your daddy. I do think it is ironic though because when we tried with you, Carynne, you didn't like it so much. You were my girl through and through.

The other day on Ellen there was a movie trailor for "Where the Wild Things Are." For some reason it made me very sad. I started crying because it made me miss you and miss all of the things I wanted you to experience. I think of all of the flowers coming up in the yard and it reminds me that you'll never enjoy a spring. I planted some Stargazer Lillies for you in the corners of the yard and I really hope they come up. Daddy and I picked out Stargazers for the arrangement around your bassinet. They were beautiful, but not as beautiful as you.

I want to say 'thank you' for giving me so much strength. I feel selfish asking for more, but I know it will come with time. I want to go back to work and get back to a life among the rest of the world, but it is really hard for me sometimes. Little things, like babies in carseats and toys at Target, remind me of you and send me to a very dark place. A place where all I am consumed with is the sadness of missing you. I know I need to think about the times that we did have together, not the times that you will miss, but it is hard to pull myself out of the darkness.
I love you!
Love,
Mommy

Something good

So, how about helping out a fellow mom of multiples and voting for her belly?

She is the one in the green, 4th picture down with the blue background.

Thanks

http://www.babygizmo.com/vote/index.php

Buried Treasure

So, the other day Dee sent me a link to some pictures on her smug mug account from the Benefit Concert. They were amazing pictures, but I was snooping around her friends section and came across a ton of pictures from the day the girls were born. It was like I had come across a buried treasure! I was so excited because we have a ton of pictures from when we were in the hospital, but most of them are of other people holding the babies. Dee, I owe you a HUGE thank you!!! Seeing these absolutely made my day! Let me know if I can post them here :)

People

Dear Girlies,
I hope you are safe and holding hands today. I miss you so much. I love you both so much and today I feel robbed because our time together was too short. I have to be completely honest with you...I think your death has made me a little jaded. Daddy and I were sitting in a restaurant the other day and I was watching a young mom flop around her infant daughter. I was so mad at her for being so brash. Doesn't she know how lucky she is? Doesn't she know that each day is so incredibly precious?

I watch TV late into the night and it is all crap. Do you remember watching late night TV while I was feeding you? I wish I could get just a few hours of that time back, no matter how sleep-deprived I was. During these programs I just want to scream at the people for being so trivial. I feel like life is so much bigger than how people are living. Reality TV is crap. Get kicked off Survivor? Who cares? Do something stupid in front of the cameras on Real World? Get over yourself. Didn't win some bachelor's heart? Move on.

I'm sorry this letter is so negative. I am thankful that you have taught me to see how precious every moment of life is. I am thankful that you gave me and Daddy all of your smiles because when I think of them I am brought back to a happy place. I am thankful that you let me be your mom. Today I will be mad and jealous but tomorrow will be better. I love you both and I always will.
Love,
Mommy

Letters

Dear Girlies,
I don't have much to say, I just feel like I need to write to you to be close to you. I am reminded of you wherever I go. For the first week after you were gone, I just wanted to be home, where you once were, soaking in as many memories as I could. Daddy has tried to get me out of that cocoon and back into the real world, but it is very hard because small details of the outside world bring me more grief than the memories at home. Patrick has a conference this week in Baltimore so we are driving out with Megan a few days later to meet up with him. We are going to visit DC, Baltimore and then go up to Niagara.

Today we went to the bookstore to pick up some magazines for the trip. I looked to my right and there were all sorts of children's books that I wanted to buy for you. I loved reading to you because you were so attentive. I'm sure that you both would have been great readers. I looked to my left and there were the magazines about fit pregnancies and raising 'green' children. It made me remember the days that I would sit on the couch feeling your kicks and dreaming about our future. In front of me was the self help. I ventured into that section and found a book about grieving the loss of a child. I picked it up, bought it and brought it back home. I've read about 2 chapters and now I want to scream.

Where is the book about losing two children? Where is the book about losing infants? Where is anybody in this entire world that knows how I am feeling? I feel like the only other person is your Daddy. I have people surrounding me with love and support all day, yet I feel very empty. I wish I knew how to fill this void. If not fill it, at least adapt to it and start living my life again.

It's hard to get over this overwhelming feeling of missing you. I just want to hold you in my arms; I want to feed you and give you a bath and take care of you. I am a mom and that is what I am supposed to do...I am supposed to be taking care of my babies, not mourning them. I love you and I miss you so much.
Love,
Mommy

Warning: Extreme Cuteness Ahead!

Here are some pictures of the girls taken on Valentine's Day. They were taken by Carrie Furry who owns Fingerprints of Grace. She takes pictures for families dealing with grief and uncertainty. She came to our house and did an amazing job of capturing the girls' personalities! The tutus came from sweetiepietutus (an Etsy shop). I had ordered them, along with some cute cupcake onesies for the girls' 6 month birthdays, but they were just too cute to pass up using for our photoshoot! The fluffy ball things were made by Carol's Girl Scout Troop. They made them to hang above the girls' crib so they would have something fun to look at.

Crazy Toes

Rynner sucking in her bottom lip right before a huge smile

Sydney hamming it up

Look at those bellies!

Some divas in the making

Pretty in pink

Priceless

Rynner sticking out her tongue

Beautiful Sydney

Smiling Rynner