1st Birthday

Happy Birthday Sydney and Carynne!

I've been thinking about this post in my head for a few days now and everytime I think about it, I feel like it will turn out to be a jumbled mess, so please bear with me. We will start with a few pictures from that beautiful day.

They were less than an hour old in both of these pictures and they're both wide awake. When we had visitors at the hospital, everybody continually commented on how bright-eyed and curious they were.

When they were born, my mom switch was automatically turned on. During the time leading up to their birth I was so worried that I wouldn't know what to do with two babies. We had gone to the classes, I had read the books and done research online, and still, I felt like I had no clue how to do anything that involved taking care of other human beings. Thankfully, though, it came fairly naturally. From the moment Jake and I were given the Mommy and Daddy title, we went into 'parent mode'. We fed, burped, changed, rocked and soothed like old pros. I was a mom.

When they died, it was hard to know what to do with that title. I am a parent if you look at 'parent' as a noun, but what I want to be is a verb 'parent'. I want to raise my girlies and take care of them and teach them. I want to hold their hands as they're learning to walk. I want to teach them their numbers and letters and colors. I want to see their expressions as they learn to eat new foods. I want to plan their 1st Birthday party for them and see them make a mess of their cakes. But I don't get that luxury because now I'm just a noun.

As this day approached, Jake and I went back and forth as far as what we wanted to do today. Should we invite over all of our friends and family and have cake and ice cream? Should we throw a huge party with streamers and balloons? In the end, we decided that today we will just lay low. We didn't want to make any plans that we might not feel up to in the long run. We are going to visit their trees later today and then maybe take a walk along the Monon. Jess made us enchiladas for dinner so we wouldn't have to worry about our appetites. We're just letting this day come quietly in and go quietly out.

So how do we hang onto our grief and try and be verb parents at the same time? We try and help others. We're going to go to Costco in a little bit to grab a few cans of formula and some boxes of diapers. Then, we're going to take them down to the Julian Center, which is the battered women's shelter here in Indianapolis. They are always in need of donated items.

If you'd like, you can help by finding a similar operation in your town and donating in honor of Sydney and Carynne. I know most of my readers are moms and I know you probably have some old baby stuff sitting around the house, so why not look at this as a late-summer cleaning opportunity? You don't have to do it today, or even tomorrow, but go out and be verb parents to your entire community.

Thoughts of you both....

Dearest Girlies~
It's about 1:00 a.m. and I wanted to write because you both have been on my mind so much today. Six months ago, you left this world...I don't even know how to follow up that statement. Mommy and I were talking just a bit ago about how hard that is to say out loud. Honestly, I'm finding it difficult to even write. There are times *and this is only in my opinion* when it seems like forever ago that you were here. Seems like another life time that I would stop by on my way home and say hello to my two favorite girls...well, Mommy would make that three I guess:-) Forever ago when I would cherish being 27 and single, spending my Saturday nights having cuddle time with you both. Then there are times when I feel like you are still here...literally!!! That I'm going to walk into your house, and there you'll both be. Your presence is so powerful, I don't think there are words to describe how it feels. Just like Mommy, I too see you in everything. Every flower, every rain drop, every babies face...every breath. I thought about you a lot when we were all on vacation in Myrtle Beach. Sitting on the deck, watching the ocean, I remember thinking that the water stretched on for what seemed like eternity. But, that somewhere out there was more land just slightly out of our reach. That's how I feel about you girls. I know your out there, your just slightly out of our reach too. To say that I miss you is an understatement. To say that you have "changed" me, is to use a word that doesn't even begin to describe what you've done for me. To say that my love for you continues to grow everyday...well, that doesn't do it justice either. You both were a gift. Not only to Mommy and Daddy, but to all of us. You were the most precious of gifts.....
Girlies, there aren't enough words in the world that can help explain how I feel. Just know that I'm here...loving you both, missing you both, praying for your family and offering myself to do anything and everything that you, Mommy and Daddy might ever need.
Rest in peace among the stars tonight Carynne and Sydney...knowing that right now you are loved more than any two people ever were.
Love always~
Aunti Sonya

With me

Dear Sweet Girlies,
Today I would normally just write to you, Carynne, because six months ago today you left us. I had been thinking about this post for a few days. How hard it would be to have to acknowledge that you have now been gone longer than you were here. But something changed and today I don't want to focus on my grief or sadness, I just want to use all of my energy for something else.

I know you girls are with me every day. I can feel you in the heat of the sun; I can see you in your daddy's eyes; I can smell you when I go into your room. But today, I need to you to help somebody else. I need you to help me help them. I need you to help me know what to say and what to do and how to be strong for them.

I know a lot of times I've written about how alone I feel. What a horrible, exclusive club it is. The problem is, I never want this group of people to get any larger. I never want another parent to join us. Julie and I have talked a lot about how much we wish we didn't share this in common, but I am so very thankful for her and her words at the most necessary times. Now, girlies, we need to go help another MoM. We need to take care of Joe and Brooke.

I love you.

Love,
Mommy

Redirection

Do you ever click on a Web site and get the 'Redirection' error message if a link is broken? I got that once today and thought of how similar it is to my life right now. I feel like all of my links are broken and I have no idea where to go. I don't even know what to do to fix it. I told Jake last night that I feel like I'm at this point in my life where I have to make all of these huge decisions and I'm just tired and I don't want to anymore. I don't want that kind of responsibility hanging over my head anymore. We made decisions for the girls that I still question every day so why would I want to take on even more? I know that this is all brought on by my return-from-vacation-unemployed-empty-housed funk, but I wish it would just pass and I could find some more direction in my life.

I'm trying the best I can to live a good, honorable life for my girlies, but it is hard especially when obstacles are being thrown at me from every direction. I will just keep trying.

Hi ladies :)

Hey girlies! It's Auntie Jess and Nathaniel....we were just sitting around today and we were missing you.

Nate wanted to talk to you so I let him type you a letter:

inhjhuninmnjhbtrshufgxuh gc hhufrxhutfrxhufhu gbug fkmgcccccccccccc,nhj
.;;;;;;;;;;,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,nnn

We love you!

A Brief Post

Good Morning Girlies,

I just wanted to sit down and write to you and tell you how much I love you. We are at the beach right now and we are having fun but you are always on our minds. Daddy and I were watching the moon sit on the horizon a few nights ago and the water was clear and sparkly, just like your eyes. We got upset because it just seems like there are so many beautiful and amazing things to see in this world and we wish you had gotten the chance to see them with us. We wish we were able to dip your toes in the warm water and watch you giggle. We wish you were able to feel the sand on your legs. More than anything, we just wish you were here, with us. That might be selfish, but that's the way we both feel it should be.


This picture was taken of you on Thanksgiving Day. It was the first day you met your cousin Willow and it just so happened that you were all wearing the same outfits. The order of this picture goes Willow, Sydney and Carynne.

I loved these outfits and would put you in them all the time. They were just so soft and cuddly and there's nothing like getting in a few cuddles with girlies to make life easier.

I'll write you again soon, but in the meantime, don't forget how much we love you and how much you are missed.

Love,

Mommy

I knew this would happen

So, one of the people I talk to online recently updated her signature picture. In it, one of her little ones just happens to be wearing the same top that the girls wore for their viewing/funeral. I knew that I would see this outfit again, it came from a very popular children's clothing store and was absolutely adorable. The kind of outfit any mom would love to put on her little girl; so bright and sunny and full of life. If they made one in adult sizes, I probably would have bought it in every color for myself. But, now this shirt takes me back to my porcelain babies lying together in silence and when I saw it, my heart dropped. I'm actually surprised I hadn't seen it sooner. I knew that if I did see it, it would make me sad, but I didn't expect it to be this bad.

When I bought the outfits, I didn't buy them for the girls to wear at their own funeral, I bought them because I thought they would be perfect Easter outfits. Obviously, we didn't make it to Easter; not even close. I'm not sure if I've ever talked about Easter here before, but I might as well bring it up now. It was the first family function Jake and I went to after the girls died. There was a huge elephant in the room. Nobody even mentioned the girls the entire time we were at my mom and dad's. It was as if Jake and I were strangers intruding on a family's dinner. They made small talk with us; the spring has been so wet, work is this and that, are you going to plant a garden, anything to keep conversation as light as possible, until finally I couldn't take it anymore. I had to get out of there - FAST! We made some excuse to need to rush to Jake's parents and hit the road.

I was so sad and hurt and mad all rolled into one. How could people just go on with their lives pretending these babies never existed? How could people not want to talk about them? How could people not see that we were sitting here, drowning in a grief pond full of quicksand? If they had just thrown us a little rope, a little sweet memory or something, we could have at least made it to the shore. As we drove down the road, my feelings of hurt turned into a much deeper anger. An anger that made me resent certain people. I felt very forced into that situation. I was told that Easter was something we needed to do because we had avoided a few other family functions and we were being selfish. If I had known then that it would be as hard as it was, I never would have gone.

In hindsight, maybe we were being selfish by avoiding; maybe I was being selfish thinking that people should have seen the pain that we were wearing. They aren't mind-readers; there is no real 'death etiquette' so how were they supposed to know what we did or did not want to talk about? Gradually, I have learned that I am my only advocate. If I want an activity or a get-together to go a certain way, I have to make it happen for myself. I also know that never again will my baby girls be swept under some rug just because people feel uncomfortable. Talking about them and reminiscing about them brings me peace so I will be selfish and strive for that peace.

Back to the outfits though...I haven't seen them since February 28th. They weren't returned to us so I'm suspecting they were cremated with them on? A family member took pictures of them the day of the viewing. She told me that as morbid as it may be, if I ever feel the need to see them, the pictures will be there for me. She didn't want me to regret not having them. I haven't asked to see them. I don't know if I ever will, but I do know that they were so beautiful in those outfits that the picture in my mind is enough.