5 Months Continued...

Sydney,
You left us five months ago today. Last night I dreamed about you and your sister and it was so nice. It was like you were right there with me. I think that one of the hardest parts of grief is just missing somebody's presence. If somebody moves away, you always know that the opportunity is there for you to be in their presence again. I don't have that ability with the two of you anymore and it's hard to comprehend that it has been taken from me.

The face you're making in this picture is your silly ornery face. I turned around for maybe a minute to do something else, then I looked back and you had managed to get this toy around your arm. We decided that you were a bit of a diva and you just enjoyed carrying your 'frog purse'. You look so proud of yourself here. It makes me miss those adorable faces so much. I miss how your cheeks squish up into little chipmunk cheeks when you smile. I miss you both so much and I wish, more than anything in this world, that I could see you again.
Love,
Mommy

5 Months

Dear Carynne,

You left us five months ago today. It's funny how time works...sometimes I feel like you just died yesterday and other times I feel like it's been eons since I last got to hold you. I replay your death in my head over and over. It haunts me. I try to push it out of my head and turn to only good memories of you. Memories of you in your swing or wearing your too-big shoes or sucking in your bottom lip to smile. Those are the memories that need to stay in the front of my mind.

When I was getting ready to write this post to you, I thought about just doing a bunch of pictures. I was going through some files and came across a picture of you sleeping. Those pictures are really hard for me to look at. Both you and your sister look so quiet and peaceful and sweet in them, but they take me back to that time when you were too quiet and too peaceful and too much like porcelain baby dolls. When you were laying together in that bassinet and I had to say goodbye. When your daddy and I were the last ones standing in the room with you, his hand on my back, telling me it was time to go home.

As I go through this process, I will try not to dwell in the details of your death, I will try to refocus on our five and a half months of good. I love you.

Love,

Mommy

Double Rainbow

Dear Girlies~
I just wanted to say thank you for the BEAUTIFUL double rainbow that you gave us on Sunday. Mommy, Daddy, Daddy Darling and I were on our way back from a visit with Nana and Poppy and it started to rain. As we drove further along the Muncie bypass, the sun started to shine. I told everyone in the car to watch for a rainbow, and when we turned around there were two!!!!!! It was so pretty we pulled over on the side of the road so I could take some pictures. They reminded me so much of you girls...beautiful, soft, similar yet different, heartwarming...gone too soon. Thank you for that brief moment where the world stood still and all we could see was your beauty in the sky above us. I love you both so much and miss you more than words can say!!!!!!

If I had 10 Million dollars...

Most of the 'Questions of The Week' at the Multiples Blog Network don't apply to me anymore, but I can answer this one. The question is what would you do with $10 million?

• Pay off all of our bills and our mortgage then remodel our bathroom.
• Buy all of our friends (Sonya, Jess, Danny, Erin and Sean) new cars - this includes paying their insurance b/c insurance is higher on new cars.
• Take a few months to travel the world, then when we find really awesome spots, we'll call up all of our friends *see above* and fly them to where we are.
• Send Jake back to school.
• Give lots of money to SMA research.
• Give lots of money to Riley Hospital (including a book for all residents on bedside manner)
• Give lots of money to lots of other charities in the area...Keep Indianapolis Beautiful, March of Dimes, Julian Center, etc.

There is one other thing I'd like to do, but I don't think I can buy that wish...

Girlfriends

Girlies,

Nate and I were in the grocery store today and I saw a mommy with two little girls......this made me very sad. It really got me thinking of you, I just miss you so much. I get mad that I have to miss you because you should be here. Nate should be getting to know his girlfriends, it breaks my heart that he had such wonderful friends that he is too little to remember. We should be having play dates, me and your mommy should be taking walks together with our little ones in the stroller. Your mommy and I should be sharing stories about mommyhood and giving each other tips. Instead we are all in this fog and just when it gets clear enough to see, something reminds us of you and the clouds fill our heads with thoughts of missing you.

Nate now points to things and says "uh dat" which is "what's that". He pointed to the picture of you two that we keep on our fridge and said "uh dat" and I was telling him that you were his little girlfriends. I told him how he would go over to your house and play on the mat with you two. I told him how we posed you three in reindeer antlers to take Christmas pictures, I told him how pretty and sweet you were. He just looked at me and smiled as I was talking about you, almost as if he understood all of what I was saying. I love telling Nate about his girlfriends because I want him to know all about you, I just wish I didn't have to tell him about you and that you were just here. I wish that he could "know" you and that you three could continue to make memories.

I don't know what was different about today sweet girlies, but I've thought about you all day. I cried for you today, I love you! I really really miss you, I want to hold you and snuggle you today!

Missing you always~ Auntie Jess

Sneaky Tears

Dear Sweet Girlies,

I miss you so much today. I am so mad that you aren't here with me. I don't care what anybody else says, you belong here with me. I am so sick and tired of hearing that everything happens for a reason and that's why you two left me. I don't think any reason is ever good enough! Today I'm just mad because I miss you so much and life seems so unfair. I just want to scream out; I want to yell at anybody that will listen to me. I want to know who makes up these stupid 'reasons' and why I wasn't a part of this decision.

I have these 'episodes' two or three times a day that I call sneaky tears. I will just be sitting there, minding my own business, and my tears will start. If I'm at work, I go to the bathroom or I go outside or I go up to my car and wait things out. If I'm at home, they usually sneak up on me in the shower or in the middle of the night in bed. I get them a lot when I'm driving too...I'll hear a song on the radio or I'll see a mom and baby walking the Fall Creek Trail. Obviously, tonight they came while I was watching TV. Most of the time, they are a few quick sobs and I pull myself together. Tonight they overtook me; they filled my whole body with such a deep sadness that I feel like I have a black hole digging through to the very core of my being.

Writing to you helps a lot. It makes me feel like I'm talking to you. It makes me remember when I would talk to you about all the amazing things that your fresh little lives had waiting for you. Mostly though, it makes me feel like you're with me, if just for a second. I know you've left me physically, be please don't ever leave my heart. I love you too much to let you go.

Love,

Mommy

Special Day!

Happy Birthday Aunti Sonya! We love you!