Just thinking.....

Dear Girlies~
Was just thinking about you lots today, so I thought I'd say hi...I love you and miss you tons!!!! I hope your resting well tonight and enjoying the beautiful scenery around you both. Snuggle close and sleep tight girls......smooches, smooches, smooches!!!!!!
Love Aunti Sonya

I should add...

When I was in labor with the girls, I threw on a t-shirt and yoga pants while Jake threw on a t-shirt and shorts. It was after we got to the hospital that I realized we were both wearing beer shirts. Me in my High Life Lite and Jake in his Guinness. Guess we probably didn't win any parent of the year awards that day, but I wouldn't expect anything else from two hashers.

Speaking of the hash (not the smoking kind), I'm not sure why, but for some reason I just haven't been feeling it lately. We have made some amazing friends through the club and I love hanging out with them outside of running, but I feel like the actual club is very cyclical. Many of the people we started out with don't come out as frequently as they used to and I don't know a lot of the 'virgins'. It is hard on me when you're running with somebody for the first time, getting to know them, and they ask if you have kids. We're still having trouble finding a gentle way to answer that one.

The rest of the story...

Tuesday, August 26th, 2008 - Just another boring day at home. I was very bad and met Jake out for lunch. We ate at the Penn Station on Pendleton Pike because he was working a job in the area. I had a ham and cheese sandwich. Afterward, I went back to man my station on the couch. Jake came home from work and we had dinner (I don't remember what we had, but I know it wasn't spicy). Back to being a big lazy bum. Jake has a tendency to fall asleep on the floor when he is watching tv and this night was no different. I was laying on the couch, completely restless, and finally woke him up and told him to go to bed at around 11 p.m. I went back out to the couch, very annoyed that I couldn't sleep.

Wednesday, August 27th, 2008 - 1 a.m. started having some contractions. Because I had stopped taking the Procardia earlier in the week, I knew that my contractions would come back, but I expected regular old Braxton Hicks contractions. From my very first one, I knew these were different. I started timing them on a Web site and they varied between two and four minutes apart. Honestly, I was not in any pain at all; I mean, I was used to these things, I'd been having them for 10 weeks, they just came with the territory.

3 a.m. - After two hours of timing, I decided I might as well call the OB office and let them know what was going on. They asked me to come in just to get checked out. So, instead of doing what I was told, I took a nice shower, puddered around a bit and finally woke up Jake. He was NOT happy that I was waking him up two hours earlier than he normally got up for work. He kept saying that he didn't understand why we had to go in, they were just going to send us home. I asked him to take off his grumpy face, load up the bags and get in the car or I was going to walk to the hospital by myself (the hospital is about 300 yards from our back yard so this was an ongoing joke).

4 a.m. - Arrived at the hospital and got settled into triage. This is where they determine whether you're in real labor and you get to be admitted to a room or you're a first-time mom who thinks her water has broken but she has actually pee'd herself. I was 4 cms. Jake was pretty surprised to hear the nurse say "You're not going home again until you've had your babies." At this point, I am in minimal pain.

6 a.m. - 6 cms. I move into my own room and get assigned an awesome nurse who was the exact type of personality I needed. Still not too much pain. I was breathing through the contractions, trying to concentrate and just take it all in. The nurse sent in an anesthesiologist who gave me an epidural. At this point, I will say that I truly believe I could have done without drugs, however, this was my first time doing something like this and I thought it would take forever. Also, my hospital highly recommends epidurals with twin births because there is a chance that an emergency c-section would be necessary. As soon as the epidural was inserted, Dr. B. came in and broke my water. She found that Baby A had meconium in her fluid. Dr. B. told me that she wanted to go ahead and break my water because she was afraid I would stall and labor would last a long time if she didn't. She had a surgery at 9 a.m., but she said as soon as she was done, she would come check on me.

6:30 a.m. - 9 a.m. - I slept. Jake slept. Yes, you read that right, we slept through the rest of my labor.

9 a.m. - Nurse comes in to check on me and in the process wakes me up a bit. Before she even has a chance to check me, I tell her that I believe we are go for launch. She checks me and is amazed that I am 10 cms and ready to go. Dr. B. is still in surgery so I request Dr. S. from the same practice. Dr. S. comes to my room and says that she is ready when I am. I did one or two practice pushes...honestly, I can't remember...I just remember the nurse saying something about no more practice pushes, these babies are ready! So I was wheeled to the OR to deliver.

9-something - I was in the OR, Jake was standing on my right side, awesome nurse was on my left side, Dr. S. and some student doctor were at my feet. A different anesthesiologist was there, ready in case of an emergency, four infant nurses and 2 NICU doctors. So, 12 people in one room were ready to welcome our sweet girlies into the world. Dr. S. said that it was ok for me to go ahead and start pushing with the next contraction.

9:45 a.m. - Sydney Anne was born after three contractions. Because of the meconium, she had to be suctioned immediately and taken to a warmer. I was able to see her from where I was on the bed. I took about a two second breather.

9:53 a.m. - Carynne Marie was born after two contractions. She was definitely ready to meet the world and I'm sure she would have come out even more quickly if I hadn't taken a breather. She was taken over to a warmer and I sent Jake over to get every little last detail on camera because I was afraid I would be out of it and not remember later.

By 10 a.m., both girls had been examined by the NICU doctors and were determined to be healthy and perfect so I put one girl in each arm and got wheeled back to my room. There we were, a family of four.

Last night Jake and I were laying in bed. He rolled over and said to me "God, I miss those little girls so much." I miss our little family of four.

Quiet House

Yesterday was a very quiet day at home and it made me sad. It should have been the girls' first 4th of July celebration, but instead it rained all day. So, I sat on the couch most of the day, in and out of sleep, trying to distract my mind. I miss the sound made when we would pat their backs, trying to get a little burp out. I miss the sound of them babbling. I miss the sound of Carynne being upset in the bathtub because she hated baths. I miss the sound their NG tubes would make in their bellies when we would check for placement...it sounded like a tiny little fart through the stethescope. I miss the constant hum of the oxygen machines.

Yesterday, during the quiet, I had the urge to go into their room, but I didn't. I think it would have been too hard to sit in the little rocking chair. I used to sit there, holding one of the girls after her bath, while Jake was drying off the other. I would set their clothes out on one of the cribs with Sydney's on the left, Carynne's on the right, so Jake would know who got to wear what. We very rarely dressed them alike, and I tried as hard as possible to make sure that from the first time an outfit was put on, it was then forever known as Carynne's or Sydney's, not interchangeable between the two. It was my attempt at trying to make them as individual as possible. Now, when I refer to them, it is almost always as a duo, not individually. I feel guilty for that, but it is so hard to avoid. I will try to get better at keeping their identities separate.

The house is quiet again tonight, and now I'm realizing that it is quiet most nights, so I better get used to it.

Upset Auntie

I am very upset this morning to the point of crying although my tears quickly turned to anger. I am so tired of hearing about, reading about, and seeing parents that don't care about their children! I was looking at the news today and one of the top stories was an Ohio couple left their 2 year old in the car for 9 hours, resulting in the little girl passing from a heat stroke! I can not begin to tell you how much this upsets me, I can't believe that these things actually happen. I don't understand why people that don't want or don't care about their children continue to have children. I can't stand to see people take their children for granted I just want to scream at them that they have no idea how lucky they are! I just can't wrap my head around why things are the way they are. There are people that would give anything to have children, people who are loving and would give those children the world. I know for a fact that Brook and Jake would give anything to have even 5 minutes with Sydney and Carynne, but instead of getting to be the wonderful parents I know they are they have the mourn the loss of their beautiful daughters.

Now, I'm not trying to get on my soap box and say that I never get angry or irritated with my child but it's the people who neglect their children that upset me. I feel for the children who don't yet know what real love is and I worry about their future as adults, will they be able to function normally in society? I look at my son and I can't understand why all parents don't love their children the way they should, what happened along the way to cause them to lose the attachment? NOTHING, I mean NOTHING is more important than your child, you must care for them, you must love them, you brought them into this world....I just don't understand why these awful parents don't get that.

I apologize that I'm so angry this morning, but I read the news story and something just snapped me into this angry state. My heart breaks on a daily basis for Brook and Jake, for the pain they continuously endure. And my heart breaks for myself, the part that is left empty because of the girlies being gone. Losing them has changed me for forever, it gives me a totally new perspective on things. I soak in every single minute I have with my son and the girlies have taught me to love like I have never loved before.

Guardian Angels

Dear Girlies~
I wanted to leave you the lyrics to one of my favorite songs. The words are even more special to me now, because they remind me of you both. I believe you are here everyday...that your spirits are connected to ours...and I know you will continue to be present in our lives forever...I truly believe you both are our guardian angels.
I love you girls and miss you everyday!!!!


"The Prayer"

I pray you'll be our eyes
and watch us where we go
And help us to be wise
in times when we don't know

Let this be our prayer
when we loose our way
Lead us to a place
guide us with your grace
To a place where we'll be safe

I pray we'll find your light
and hold it in our hearts
When stars go out each night

Let this be our prayer
when shadows fill our day
Lead us to a place
guide us with your grace
Give us faith so we'll be safe

We ask that life be kind
and watch us from above
We hope each soul will find
another soul to love

Let this be our prayer
just like every child

Needs to find a place
guide us with your grace
Give us faith so we'll be safe

Important Dates Continued...

I guess I should explain why I am doing this...I use my Outlook calendar for everything in my life. Throughout my entire pregnancy, I kept all of my doctor's appointments on my work calendar and since I will be unemployed in a month, I want to make sure and have as many days as possible written down so I never forget.

• March 31st, 2008 - 16 week ultrasound. The ultrasound was pretty routine, but the one thing that made it a little different was that the technician guessed the gender of the babies. She wasn't 100 percent sure they were girls, more like 90 percent, but we withheld from telling anybody until our next ultrasound just to be on the safe side.
• April 28th, 2008 - 20 week ultrasound. She guessed right!! Two beautiful girls happily carrying on inside of me.
• May 17th, 2008 - We went to our first of many classes at the hospital. This one, however, was directed specifically at parents of multiples. I remember Jake saying after the class that that was the point for him where it really sunk in that there were going to be TWO babies for us to take care of pretty soon.
• June 7th, 2008 - We had a cookout at our house instead of a 'formal' shower. It was very fun and much more laid-back than a normal shower...it was so good to see so many friends.
• June 13th, 2008 - I remember it was just me and the guys at work that day. I had been on my feet for quite a while, having a few Braxton Hicks contractions here and there. After lunch, they started happening more often so I called Dr. B. and went into her office at 3 p.m. She told me to stay off my feet over the weekend, come back on Monday and see how I was feeling. I went back on Monday and was officially put on bed rest for the rest of the pregnancy. I had to take Procardia every 4-6 hours to help with the contractions. I took the Procardia from then until August 25th, 2008.
• Between June 13th and August 25th, 2008 - Bed rest was boring. I had twice weekly NSTs and once weekly appointments with Dr. B. Anyone who has been pregnant knows how boring NSTs are...especially for two babies! It took forever to do my NSTs because the girls' heartrates were always so close that the technicians could never tell if they were getting two different babies on the monitors. I used to sit in the recliner all afternoon and watch TV or call people, while the girls were ticking away on the machines. When I would call Poppy at work, he would always comment about how neat it was to hear the girlies over the phone.
• August 25th, 2008 - Appointment with Dr. B. and NST. I was 36 weeks pregnant and HUGE! I had gained 55 pounds total and I was incredibly uncomfortable. I let Dr. B. know that I was getting a little impatient, so she scheduled an induction for September 10th at 7 a.m. WHAT?!?! 2 1/2 weeks??? Because I was considered in the 'safe' zone, I was allowed to go off of the Procardia. I was 2 cm dilated and nothing much was changing.

I will save the next two days for another post...