A letter to the girlies:

Syd and Rynners,

We have so many memories together, yet it seems like so few. Time just flew by from August to February. I can still vividly remember the sequence of events that led me to hearing some of the most awful news in my life. Greg, Nate, and I were shopping and your mommy called me. She asked what I was doing around 6:30 because she wanted all of us to meet at your house. I could tell your mommy was upset and I asked her a few times what was wrong; she wouldn’t say over the phone just that I needed to be at your house later. I have never rushed through a store like I did after that phone call, I was frantic just throwing things in the cart and running to the check out. Knowing now the news your mommy and daddy had for us I think to myself “what an idiot” for being so nosey and wanting to get the information from your mommy over the phone. As I was on my way home to drop of Greg and Nate your Auntie Sonya called in a panic because your mommy and I had been trying to call her, we just knew something wasn’t right. It only took about 20 minutes from your mommy’s phone call to me actually getting to your house, but it seemed to take forever. You girls were coming home from the hospital this day, so I tried to calmly go into your house and at least make sure you both returned from the hospital, whew- ok there you both were. I saw your Aunt Gwen standing in the dining room; it was obvious she had been crying. I saw that she couldn’t even look at your mommy without loosing it and then I saw her look at you two and have to go into the other room sobbing. “What the hell is going on here?” I thought, I was ready to vomit! I’m so sorry your daddy had to choke through the story of your diagnosis and tell us that you were given a life expectancy. I sat there in disbelief as I looked around the room at everyone else, I could see the confusion on everyone’s face. I was sitting next to your mommy while she was holding you Sydney, I had never seen your mommy cry like that, the raw pain and heartbreak. Girlies, I’m sorry you had to see me cry like I did so ugly and hysterical. As I sat there on the couch holding you Sydney I was thinking to myself “this has to be an awful nightmare, wake up! This seriously is not happening right now” “you mean to tell me that this is the point where I start creating our last memories together.” I called your “uncle” Greg and he couldn’t understand me, he kept telling me to breath because he feared I was going to have an asthma attack. His response to the news was “oh my god….no…seriously?….oh god.”

When you girls passed I couldn’t believe it, “wait a minute….the doctors said…..but no it’s only been five weeks!” I was and still am so proud of your mommy and daddy’s strength. I don’t deal well with funerals in general, so I tried my absolute hardest to be strong for you mommy and your Auntie Sonya. I commend Auntie Sonya for being by your mommy’s side and helping take care of your arrangements. It’s good to know that we all have such a strong bond that we can be each other’s rock when we need it. I did decent during your viewing, but I cried start to finish at your funeral, you just looked like two sleeping babies snuggling in the bassinet. I tried so hard to compose myself on my way up to say goodbye to you two for the last time, but it was impossible and the more I tried to hold the grief in the stronger it became. Giving your mommy a hug was what finally broke what small bit of composure I had obtained.

So many people love you and miss you. You have no idea how many people’s lives have changed from your short time here. You made me appreciate the little things and take nothing for granted. You’ve made me a better mother to Nate because I have learned to cherish every moment I am given with him. You’ve made me a better friend because I fully understand just how special a friendship is the way we have all pulled together around your mommy and daddy. I know you are holding hands in heaven and looking over us right now. I know that Nate will never wreck his bike because he has two guardian angels watching over him.

**I have one small favor to ask of you girls. My grandpa got to heaven a little over two weeks before you both did. Can you please check up on him every now and again and give him a kiss for me?

Thank you for being you, so wonderful. I love you both so much!

Things I Remember.....

Girls~

I remember seeing the first picture of you inside Mommy's tummy and my jaw hitting the floor when I counted two of you!!! I remember saying to Mommy and Daddy, "are there two of them in there???" and they said yes, identical twins.

I remember you NEVER kicking for Aunti Sonya!!! You would be kicking up a storm, but as soon as I touched Mommy's belly, you would stop...you were such stinkers. But now I wonder if you were just playing the "fake sleep" game with me and I just didn't know it. It would make sense, because after you were born you played it with us all the time:-)

I remember getting to hold you both at the hospital after you were born. You were so tiny and so beautiful. The joy on Mommy and Daddy's face was priceless. They were so proud you belonged to them and so happy you had come into this world as perfect as you were!!! We were so excited as a "family" to be gaining such precious little girlies too.

I remember getting to feed you, rock you, sing to you and change your diapers too. See, I do those things for a living( I'm a nanny), but I loved every chance I got to do those things with you both.

I remember as you got bigger, Sydney you would smile at me all the time!!! I could always get a grin, a gooo sometimes a fart or two...lol. But Carynne, you didn't think I was as funny as your sister did. It took a while, but right around 4 months you started smiling at me like crazy...and I loved it!!!

I remember Mommy and Daddy taking you to the hospital on New Years Eve because Carynne needed surgery. Aunti Jess and I were out with other friends trying to celebrate, but all we could think about was you guys. It just didn't feel right not being there with you...so, we headed downtown to the hospital and high-fived at midnight in the parking garage.

I remember being in the living room when Mommy and Daddy told us what was going on with you both. I just remember crying...and saying a not so nice word over and over again. Shock and devastation can't even begin to describe how I felt. You were both so tiny and fragile...aren't we as your "family" supposed to protect you and keep you safe???

I remember seeing all the tubes, machines and medicines as they started coming into the house. It definitely was hard to see how much you both were going through, but you were still the most beautiful little girlies ever and I loved getting to help Mommy feed you, snuggle with you and hold your hands on the mat.

I remember getting a few calls from Mommy that changed my life. I felt such sadness when I drove to the hospital after you passed Carynne, that I wasn't sure I'd make it. I felt such guilt at not being what Mommy needed right in that moment, but I just held her and watched your beautiful face...and we waited for Daddy. I remember feeling such deep grief and deep honor when Mommy and Daddy asked me to be with you Sydney in your final moments. You were so beautiful too.

I remember not wanting to leave Mommy's side that entire week after you passed. I'm sure I drove her crazy!!! But I literally couldn't function if I wasn't in her presence...because in her presence, you both were there too.

I remember how I was on January 22nd...the day before you were diagnosed with Werdnig-Hoffman...and I know how I am now. You both have FOREVER changed my life in ways that I can't even explain. You both showed me how precious life is, how beautiful a smile is, how captivating a "gooo" conversation can be with a baby, how small things just don't f*#kin matter when you see two tiny girls having the fight of their life and constantly giving it their all.

I remember your bravery...I remember the light in your eyes...I remember how much I love and miss you...and I will always remember the lessons you taught me.

Mariska Hargitay Girlies

Love Aunti Sonya

Auntie Jess

I'm "auntie" Jess, one of the girlies favorite fake aunts. I've known Brook since high school and we're great friends. I was about 4 1/2 months preggers with my little Nathaniel when we found out Brook was preggers. Brook and I were belly buddies, we shared our first pregnancy experiences. It was cute, I was just a bit further along so I would warn her about what was ahead. Although I only had Nate kicking around in my belly, the girlies would fight and kick each other in Brook's belly!

We would joke that Nate was a little ladies man and that Syndey and Carynne were his girlfriends. We live in the same neighborhood and giggled that he would be the "pimp" of the neighborhood with a girl on each arm. You can see in the picture to the left that we tried to start him early, but he doesn't look very interested in the whole situation. I'm sad that Nate is too little to remember his friends and how wonderful they were. I miss our play dates, my girlie snuggles, playing the "stinky feet" game (Syndey always thought I had the best jokes, Rynners did not find me funny that often). I'm heart broken about the loss of these beautiful little angels. When we were pregnant together I had all of these visions of Nate riding his bike down to Brook and Jake's and asking Auntie Brook if the girls could come out and play. Them going to school, riding the bus together. Maybe even one of the girls being Nate's first kiss. Now I feel guilty in a way that I have Nate and the girls are gone. This isn't how this is supposed to go, these situations like with the girls are supposed to happen to people you don't know not one of your best friends. I was so excited that our children were so close in age, but now it's this double edged sword where Nate does something and I wonder about the girls doing the same thing....what they would be doing now. I don't want Nate to make Brook and Jake sad, but I don't think that is something I can control. I love you Brook and Jake. I love you forever sweet little girlies!

Below is the last picture of I have of Nate and girls together. Taken Christmas 08, baby Santas. (Let me tell you how difficult it was to coordinate 3 infants for a photo shoot...whew!)

A Quick Hello

Hey Everyone~
Brook has been kind enough to add Jess and myself to her blog so that we can also share our thoughts, feelings and memories of Carynne and Sydney. She asked that we give a little info on ourselves as an introduction, so here's a bit about me and my relationship with their family...

My name is Sonya and I've been friends with Brook and Jake for years. Brook and I actually went to high school together, though we didn't really hangout till after, and Jake and I met about 10 years ago at a club in Ohio.....I actually introduced them at a party here in Indy, and they've been together ever sense. I was so excited when they told me they were pregnant...even though they tricked me first;-) and was shocked/ecstatic when they found out it was identical twins!!! I think I saw Brook almost everyday of her pregnancy, and was so thrilled when Jake called and said the girls were finally here!!! Getting to hold them for the first time, and being called "Aunti Sonya" was a memory I'll never forget. I'm really grateful to Brook for giving me the opportunity to share my thoughts/memories of the girls and hopefully you guys will enjoy them too.

Tempting

Lately Jake and I have been annoying the snot out of each other. I have been tempted on several occassions to walk across the room and just slap him. While that temptation has been strong, I have withheld (even though it would be a great way to release tension). I'm kidding a little bit, but seriously we are not dealing very well with each other right now. You see, he is the type of guy that deals with his emotions by putting them as far out of his mind as possible. This means he wants to be distracted by other things 24/7. Whether it is hanging out with friends, or going for a jog, or playing video games 15 hours a day, he is always doing something to fill his time. I, being a typical pisces, want him to be with me 24/7. I know it sounds very needy of me.

I really don't like our therapist. It's not that I dislike her as a person, I just feel like she isn't giving us any advice at all as to how to deal with these types of issues. She is a grief counselor and she sees us separately, but honestly I feel like we need a marriage counselor more than anything. We need to learn how to work better at giving the other person what he/she needs. We also need to learn to be more understanding with each others different grieving processes. Maybe I should just give it some more time...who knows?

On another note, my dad is going for his second round of chemotherapy today. It seems to be going ok. He hasn't felt too nauseous because he is taking some miracle medicine that helps to settle his stomach. He is also taking a lot of painkillers so he is pretty loopy at times, but that's ok. The tumor is big enough that if he takes his shirt off you can see it under his skin and he has lost a lot of weight, but other than that he is regular old Poppy :)

The More the Merrier

For your reading pleasure, I have added Sonya and Jess as authors to this blog. They have lots of memories and feelings to share about the girls so I figured why not keep them all in one place? Hopefully they will give a little intro about themselves. Enjoy!

Dreams

Dear Sweet Girlies,
I have been having some pretty vivid dreams of you the past few days; some good, some not so good. The strange thing is, somebody else is taking care of you while I am watching. It reminds me of how I felt having our in-home nurses here. When they were here there was a part of me that felt like I wasn't doing my job as a mom because I should have been able to take care of you on my own. I know that your needs were beyond what your daddy and I could do on our own, but there are some days when I wish it had just been the four of us at home enjoying our last moments together.

Last night I was laying in bed thinking about you and what you did for us. Wilco was playing in the background and I thought about how you made me want to be a better person. You were and will continue to be a light inside of me. Thank you for making me better. Thank you for putting everything into perspective for me. Thank you for letting me be your mommy.
Love,
Mommy